Impulse control:Exercise:Verdict

not compatible, no matter how intense it gets from time to time..
We live in the real world, so coutnries, work ,careers, outside factors matter
They will affect us.
one of us will feel displaced forever depending on what we decide.
not fair on anyone.. coz love wears off and reality sets in and then one of us will feel like they gave in too much
sigh..
btw,,unless they address something directly to me.. very clearly and with respect, this will never go out of TIME OUT,,DECISION ,,,

Impulse control:Exercise: glad i controlled till the real deal started

glad, coz now i realize that the honeymoon period of this relationship has long been over..it is gone, it is over..this is not right for me..and for them..hence the frequent nastiness.
so, glad i didn't impulsively run into their arms while i read those intense rosy stuff!
yaya..waiting and analyzing and paying attention is good for me..i need to not be in denial..i need to open my eyes , read everything..see , take my time and decide..no need to be in denial.. yes i messed up..but had i knowledge of the her i wouldn't have initiated it no matter how much of pressure from the other person..i have always had people around me ready to drop their others in the hope of ending up with me..I am ethical, i don't do that..coz no one deserves to be kicked off for someone else.. that is why. i don't like to be part of any abuse, that is why. either ways!

Impulse control:Exercise: Now i know why i cried so many times on time out

Intense intense intense interactions, so many , so long, so deep, so loving..so unmistakably real
No wonder the withdrawal is so difficult
but see, bad things have happened after those intense moments, so would be a very nice thing to wait and read up everything before i decide.i have a lot of stuff to read.this might take days of non stop reading.shite!

Impulse control:exercise:revelations, trying hard not to run back to them

I am midway in reading all the correspondence..and all those close intense moments we have had..shit man..they were true..obviously true..but the situation they were in when they did this and probably what they did even after those intense conversation totally baffles and degrades me in some way. that is what baffles me as to how can a person with such intense feelings for me just turn around the next day and not feel anything or think of me in a bad light? I am baffled
but , yes, not a good idea for me to run back at all. I need to read the whole correspondence even if it now takes me days, then I will finally decide.

because, running back impulsively after remember the tender moments and then complicating the situation further is what i did ! i should not have run back so many times like that..coz then I would not question their love or dedication..
Now, I am completely going to wait for the time out to happen and then if nothing happens from their side..fin.
I know there were tender moments. but well, they were and many ugly moments have happened since.the relationship has already reached a stage of deliberately fucking up each other's moods..so there ya go . wahtever..it is never going to go back to this stage of great respect he had for me ,,coz now he knows that he can get my love a lot less coz it is out of my control..
you know what that is called, it is called fucking up someone coz they have unconditional feelings for you and viewing my love for them as my weakpoint.. hmmmm. sighs.

Impulse control:exercise: they are better off and enjoying without me

yes they
And when compounded by sentences that you recall that say, "it was never as serious as you think, "
" sometimes I imagine you, sometimes imagine other people"
"she just tells me not to reveal personal info, so it is all okay" (as if i am this tool to be used with no opinion or choice on the issue-as if the two opinions that matter is his and hers and then i am this fu&^bg entertainment doll!

And then now you find out that during each time out they go back to life like before, like normal and they are fine with it..
well, whatever those moments were, though they were special..this is not special.especially when i end up unproductive and unhappy because of each interaction and each revelation, they gain immense positivity from me and get better in life and then when there is TIME OUT they go back to their old life and it is all great..!
fantastic.Can i go find people who are like me? can I go by my book and try meet people who give me positivity back when i give them positivity?
I need to give myself that chance before it is too late and i have yet again spent another productive decade wasted.

Impulse control:Exercise:greater understanding,acceptance

okay, okay, there is something here.
There is intensity.it is inexplainable coz this connection defies all my rules of what makes me connect to a person
I have a certain set of characteristics that i know that if a person possess i will be happy to interact with them or be happy with them
This person doesn't have any of them..so yet i am attracted to them and want to interact and talk to them
I accept that.
BUT
like my rule, I NOT HAPPY..
I am addicted in some way..but IT IS NOT A HAPPY ONE ..but yet, it is intense.. very sexual(undeniably-though no sex yet--but sexual tension is immense.. )
but I AM VERY VERY UNHAPPY, i LOSE MY CONCENTRATION..I LOSE MY ROUTINE..BUT YET IT IS INTENSE
what is important is.. i need TIME OUT coz each time I interact or connect, i get unhappy and unproductive after.
this never happens when i interact with people who have the set of characteristics that i consciously know i like and am happy with.
So, well, I don't know what this is..maybe just some mental disorder of mine.where i want to still self torture or maybe i percieve they want me so much and thus use these conversations as an EGO BOOST mechanism
sometimes i suspect  he is doing that too.. like he knows i am veyr talented and very pretty and very nice and he just is using this as an ego boosting technique to tell himself that he is worth -as a pacification mechanism for a midlife crisis..hmmmmmm
So if both of us are ego boosting and not actually happy..We do need a TIME OUT.. a permanent one.

Impulse control:Exercise:This cannot be a blame game.learn the truth

See, this is not a game about who did what , when and how.
What is most important now is, WHAT IS THE PRESENT SITUATION?
Now  I KNOW SOME FACTS.now I know the situation as is, ..Now am i happy with it? Do I want it the way it is now? Is it working for me? yes or no?
you dont' feel you get the attention you need at the right moment you need it?
You feel you are being manipulated?
you feel it is always stressfull?
no matter what the cause of all the above is..there is something just not working out.
There ya go..
TIME OUT
it takes two to tango..so , no matter how much the sexuality works..other things need to work too. if they don't, there is going to be negavity.NO one wants a rollercoaster..we want stability.
TIME OUT is good..A permanent one is good.. coz unless you close one chapter fully, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to open another one.. ya know.

Impulse control:Exercise:Analysis,self blame

Actually ,
Memory can be defective, unless we have a record of the sequence of events , the timeline and chronology of thoughts, conversations,events and such.
Who said what and when and in response to what is very important in determining , who is at fault, if at all anyone is at fault at all.
Everybody starts finding fault only when something doesn't work out.-Be it at the workplace, or friendship or family or love etc etc
When things work out ,everyone runs to take credit for whatever happened.
Anyways, it is good we are in a digital age..Everything is recording for posterity,for most part, except ofcourse the feelings and the heart flutters and the stomach churnings and the Arrythmias.unless, both of you or all parties involved have taken the time to journal about these as well
I did some reading up and ya know what..it wasn't onesided  at all..It was as much me at fault in inciting this on some level..though my inciting for in a healthy direction.. their inciting was to drag this whole thing and give it an unhealthy turn

hmmm..Atleast now that i know that i was equally inciting this, I feel less targeted and manipulated..ya know.. I don't feel like that hapless person who was targeted schematically.
That is is a consolation..but having said that.. again, this makes me want to run back and forget about the Time out
But again, i have felt exactly the same want of interaction even without the time out..So actually i wasn't getting what i wanted even when there was no time out..So why not really have a Time out and try to see what really happens on a real time.
But having said that.. withholding certain vital details till someone put a gun to your head and asks a very specific question is almost akin to deliberately lying and getting away with it.
I incited a conversation which revealed details that would have never come out otherwise voluntarily from their side..So ya know what, they either never took this serisously enough at all to feel the need to tell the truth or deliberately didn't want to tell the details so that they can get more interactions..but is that not MISREPRESENTATION?
it is..so, THEY ARE TO BLAME
infact, thinking of it..good that i am reading the whole thing chronologically now , like a story.. coz , I don't think I would have incited anything had that info been given to me much earlier
So i was inciting without knowledge of a particular situation and they were inciting back with full knowledge of that piece of info..
SO I AM NOT AT FAULT AT ALL. that is exactly why i feel wronged.
So, no self blame required at all.
So, maybe A PERMANENT TIME OUT IS IN ORDER..
Coz this thing started on lies from their side..withholding truth is a lie too.

Impulse control:Exercise:Tug of war

okay.
okay
Again,tug of war
The pull of those attachments
I remember those intense connections.Those episodes of intense emotional entanglements,those moments of undeniable amalgamations..yes,
They happened..even if only in both of our minds at the same time
This is tougher
Coz, this want to belong and to possess ...this want supersedes intelligence sometimes
And I want it all over
But this won't work..
Because the unpleasant moments supersede the very very very intense connections.
The intense moments are outnumbered by the not so intense, sometimes very mundance ugly moments..
So, yeah,TIME OUT very necessary
I need a F&*Ng time out.
I know..again, want to give up everything and F&*k the time out and then..It will suck all over again
Better suck WITH A timeout, rather than WITHOUT a timeout!

Impulse control:Exercise:reaping results of Impulse control

Finally, RELIEF
Feeling much better again,
Finally feel free in the mind
And now the positivity comes back
The positivity that i so cherish,
the positivity that i so exude comes back to me.

I am able to do a lot of stuff again,
sing, guitar,blog,interact.
All without the iron negative grip that was on my mind..
The bad influence,
The pain,
The imperceptible disrespect that i kept perceiving,
the feeling of having been wronged is gone...
I feel better..
I am glad I took this TIME OUT..
This time it is a real time out.. like, "shut down anything that reminds of that time" kinda TIMEOUT ..so,,good!!
LESSON? Stop continuing to give positivity to people who not only lap up all the precious positivity you give them but also pretend as if it is  nothing ;when they clearly know how valuable it is.Pretending that way, is a deliberate way to degrade someone else because ,you fear they will leave you ,if you show how valuable they are to you..
To me, for most part in my life, I know I am talented and a valued addition to anyone's life. I deliberate nurture positivity in myself and i deliberately dole it out to others. I believe that the world runs of positivity, that's why.
I will surround myself with people who have value for my positivity and will take the time to clearly and verbally appreciate.I hate people who say something different from what they actually think or want.I see that as a very dishonest and manipulative personality.
I clearly thank other people when they give me something valuable-be it time or friendship or care etc.I expect the same back from them.
I hate people who play games.I am a stright-forward person and I DON'T LIKE GAMES.I don't have time for petty, pathetic games in life.There is so much in life to achieve than to emotionally manipulate everyone around coz you are F*&&ed up in your head.Go sort things in your own head first..then come back to me..when you are a better person.
Such people are insecure and better off with other fellow insecure people and then they can both wallow in their combined insecurity.I just hope such couples don't produce any children while wallowing in the insecurity though, coz the children suffer.geez!
I feel so much better that my positivity has come back to me..I hope this lasts.

My best friend talks about dreams

I have a good friend.we have been friends since 2004.That is like 5 years..yeah? good
We are these friends who will go months without even saying a Hi or dropping a mail, but one day suddenly when we talk,We talk as if we just talked yesterday.
There is no uneasiness to it.We take off from where we left.
To achieve that comfort level where there is no animosity in conversation when you talk after a long time, you need a certain compatibility and a certain overlap of mental wavelengths.
We do have the comfort level, I think.

And this friend, let us call him 'kim', he is the same age as me..One thing that we have in common is this liking for cooking and arts.. We have artistic brains..yet we are professionals.He is a computer professional and I am a physician.. But we seldom talk about work, we talk about lives, philosophy ,arts etc etc.

He thinks he is this bohemian trying to make a living out of art while he could have very easily made tons of money being the computer geek that he is.We all have that calling,Ya know.
So, yes, as we keep talking, we reach a point, where he starts saying the most profoundest things..
Very well thought out , and they come out of his mouth just like that!
I make a mental note of those pearls of wisdom to recall later, coz , he himself forget his own words.
On some days when I say, " Do you remember you said this" and he goes, "Really?Did I say such smart stuff?"
So , very recently we talked and he talked about dreams. I am sure he will soon forget his own profound words.I figured, Why not just make a record of his words?So that, later,I can quote his own words to him.
Here goes,

KIM talks about DREAMS
-----------
QUOTE:
A person who's capable of dreaming has a mind so vast that there is not enough time in one life to cover that ocean.
Some dreams are sensible...but they take generations to come true.
A dream that is a legacy that gets built little by little each generation.
Like the bridge to races and the ending of slavery. Those are all dreams many people had which took decades and centuries to finally happen.
 UNQUOTE
----------------------------------
I have such nice friends.Nice!!!

Impulse control:Exercise-Dealing with panic and withdrawal

Had a very severe bout of withdrawal..I so wanted to just drop the resolve and just start sending all the emails I have been saving as drafts.
I cried too coz it was too much to not do it.
It was too much,the energy of passion, emotional attachment, fear of loss,not giving yourself the interaction that obviously touched your soul in some intense way.
I cried loudly.Then,well,I did something else(indescribable right now for this blog entry) and then,cried some more..
The moment passed.No emails were sent.
But I have to do this..Coz i have had similar moments even when i had no TIME OUT .I mean, crying on a Time out because you miss them is one thing, Crying without a time out coz the other person wants to see how important they are to you by making you cry by withholding attention is another thing.
The crying without a time out was when there was deliberate withholding from the other side.Doing that is called trying to see how much you matter to the other person and that is cruel and then you understand that withdrawal was a better idea.Insecure idiots resort to such unhealthy patterns of trying to understand how important to the other. Healthy people just ask you, "how important am I to you? coz you are very important to me" Then i would probably say,"yes you are very important enough for me to have delayed submitting my work project coz i needed to spend time interacting with you"
But no, you choose to use unhealthy means.whatever!
So, I decided on a TIME OUT for the reason that, "Why not cry alone without giving the satisfaction of ego boosting to someone else who deliberately withholds communication as a way of getting back at you or as a way to pacify insecurity to see how much you will try and try and make them finally communicate"
So, yeah..I cried.This crying  is not  some silly ass romantic pining.This is some neurotransmitters going haywire.
Ideally,there was no need to cry.Yes,you miss them,they f*&^ng miss you too.But this is a TIME OUT..to see how it works without each other.. so why cry? seriously!! Geez...both parties sitting and crying in their respective apartments coz they miss the other one badly but still want a TIME OUT is like , I don't know, PATHETIC!
Why did i cry though?
But,see,the crying, it was so out of  my control.The pain, it was meaningless, reasonless too.But i cried,very loudly.So, there ya go.
Yes, Impulse control was a success..No emails were sent..they are still sitting in drafts.
I need to do this.I need to find out what this really is,coz it never worked and I DO need a time out.
Coz, it never really worked.
It started off all wrong,It went on all wrong.
It never was right.
So, I need this TIME OUT to find out how wrong it is,before it gets any more wrong and more mistakes get compounded.
so well!
I need this 10 days TIME OUT HAPPEN..10 days..yes, I need these 10 days. I better give myself a complete 10 days time out.I owe it to myself.

The Aussie men take me to La-La land

Ya know what the funny part is..?
I recently discovered that i get turned on by other aussie men too
..who incidentally also have the same style of speaking and coming on
STRONG...
So i guess..it was just an aussie man trait and i took it as some
special trait of yours..
I am ashamed to say that i actually went to the extent of imagining
things with him on the first day we got to talk too.and he came on
pretty strong on the first conversation too..
Actually,, with you  It took me so long to start responding to your
advances..but with him..the first email exchange and then it was all
LA LA LAND..totally..Just had to confess.:((

That is when i started questioning the whole thing from my
side...maybe i was just plain horny when we did it ...
or maybe..back then during those DMs..you were just plain horny..ya know..

So, at this point..I am pretty confused and so, unless you tell me
.what it was that you were trying to accomplish back then.. was it
just lust? Do all aussie men do that?
Do you usually keep talking sex laced talk while you are being
friends..is that an aussie cultural pattern too?ya know..be slightly
all sexual while talking to women friends?
Coz this other aussie man did that to me and i kinda got turned on the
same way i got turned on with you.So maybe, i was just plain
horny..maybe there was no love..
VERY CONFUSED...
please help me understand this.. :(((

Impulse control:exercise:Let the moment pass

I had a mini crisis.I was this close to say " f%ck this, lemme go send that draft email" "what if this what if that"
Then i waited.
Then i cried
Didn't know I would cry this way..but I cried
Then i sat there
Then i thought
"What if ....."
Well , then don't I want to see , what if? Don't I want to really give this the test of time?
Ya know.I do need to know if this will survive the test of time..yeah?
Do i secretly fear that it won't stand the test of time? I think I do
Then well, this is the time to test to see if my fears are real
If my fears come true during this 10 day break then the break was better now than later
If my fears don't come true, a 10 day break was worth it.
So, well, a lot of TV, music and food and some more crying later
The moment has passed
And now I think that the crying was unnecessary.
no seriously,,,why exactly did i cry?
So, yeah..one rule for impulse control is "let the moment pass'
But one other advice is,, in other things in life...other than impulse control, 'SEIZE THE MOMENT, DON'T LET IT PASS"

Impulse control-experiment-Extreme pining!

seriously..erratic heart beat
extreme pining
Missing you so much
This sucks
I am trying real hard ..I just want to go ahead and break the time out..Just want to tell you how much I miss you
But my heart aches right now..it is just not right..Then I  go see the group pictures ..not just of yours .but of  smiling faces beside you. that reminds me..
Impulse is going to get us nowhere.nowhere.

Now I will never know

I should have never ever sent them over to them..Just like I usually never do..
Coz, now, I will never know , what they actually wanted. If at all they wanted anything.
Speaking of which, it disappoints me that any lesser person satisfies them as much or more.So, that is what they will get now. An average Broad( I don't use this word usually coz i find it derogatory to women's anatomy in general, but I use this literally now.. A broad hip)
I am an overkill in most cases..It is like they are happy with freshness factor 10,I go give them a freshness factor million..who needs a million when ten will do? yeah..sure ..
Now I am smiling as I type this..Knowledge does that to you..It makes you smile

Suckers for misery

Some people are suckers for misery
They know everything,,
the lies,
the manipulation..
everything..
they know what is wrong.
.they know it is all wrong.
.but yet, they want the misery..
They are a sucker for misery..
Ask for it , lady..Ask to be messed up..sure!

Impulse control -day one ! I am not significant

It was very very very very very tough for me..to stop myself from doing something impulsively

Anyways,
I lay there on my bed..eyes open and after calming down much  I realized the following,

" It is not due to you at all..You really didn't have anything to do with what they were already feeling .Their  feelings, they were due to changes that happened completely unconnected to you..It was unconnected to you..It might look like it is connected to you,but NO.They might make it look like it is connected to you , especially if they suspect that by pretending that way they can score with you.But the truth is, you don't figure here anywhere ..You were not responsible for any decisions they took..because you were not responsible for the situations and the feelings that happened to them.

They are in a special situation where a whole set of planned sure things in their life were taken away.They got miserable due to those changes unconnected to you.And then they made decisions because of that..and because they made those decisions they had to further give up other people that they had to get rid of ..because of the decisions they made..So, it has got nothing to do with you at all..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..

I am just a small part,,figuring in the fringes...some tiny lil incentive that happened accidentally..that is it..
The decisions are because of that sadness and the further decisions to get rid of other people is for the convenience that comes with getting rid of them--allowing scope for more flexible decisions..It has got nothing to do with you at all." 

So,for me,the first day of impulse control has given me something>>>CLARITY..
Yes..I am not significant enough to have prompted them to make any decisions at all..But coz they figured that they might get some if they said so and made it seem so to me,TAKE ME ON A GUILT TRIP,now that they are doing it anyways for their own other reasons, they said so or made it look so..
But in reality ,the sadness and pining and confusion is for someone else.. that old friend who walked off to distant lands...that is all there is to this..
I AM NOT SIGNIFICANT. I NEVER WILL BE AND I NEVER WANT TO BE EITHER. END OF STORY.
CLARITY

Vital sentences that i need to constantly remember for my own sake!

XYZ:"The first thing that came to mind when i saw those pics was &^%*($#)*&^"
Me thinks:Sighs and shudders,heart shrinks and breaks into tiny lil pieces in utter hearache

XYZ:" If my situation had been any different, I would still look for others"
Me think: Good,that clarifies a lot of things in my head.Thanks for atleast opening your mouth and telling me.Blesses her own stars for having asked this question

XYZ:"It was never as serious as you imagined"
Me thinks: Oh...oh...okay..okay...still pondering

These sentences pretty much clarify everything for me..besides ofcourse tons of other not so flattering responses that you don't try giving to  a very educated very smart very talented and a very kind woman..You don't go compare her with uneducated-piece of shit-women who have no of education and who make money parading underwear on the ramp..There is a lot of difference between a highly educated woman who is also very artistically inclined and some silly ass uneducated  idiot who walks  on  the ramp and does nothing other  than be eyecandy.If a person doesn't understand the difference, that says a lot about them. about what they want and about what they feel comfortable with..

Degradation with a single word

DEGRADATION WITH A SINGLE WORD
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.Please do not use or reproduce without prior written permission
Degradation with a single word
That single word,
It shattered every and any bit of respect,
You ever had for me,
Opened up windows to allow me to think;
About how you think.

That word,
Degraded me to no end.
Did I need to expose myself to that degrading word?
Probably yes?
by the very fact that I took you in,
became your friend,
I deserved a taste of the real you;
So, yes, i deserved it like that.

Your perceptions are very important too;
Why?
They have repercussions,that's why!

All the time I kept giving,
you kept viewing me distorted,
It takes away from everything.

The love you ever had for me,
The respect you ever had for me,
The friendship that ever was,
The comfort level that came easy initially,
That single word?
It takes everything away.

What remains,
Standing alone,
start naked,
Is the ugly truth.

The truth of degradation,
A slap in the face of kindness.
But it never seemed like kindness to you;
in all your twisted thought processes.

Like a blind person,
Who cannot appreciate my painting,
Because he cannot see;
That is you!

I walk away,
shaking in horror,
did I need to take that word of degradation?
And swallow it and still try a consensus?
NO.
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

Impulse control

I need some impulse control
Please, please,please,please,please,please,deep breath...don't,,don't do it..don't don't don't don't don't do it.
Better painful now than very very very painful later., better painful now than later.. coz the pain multiplies
Shut the F(*K up..and stop with the impulsive behavior..please please please..Can someone please stop me..This thing is so out of control!

Speaking of Impulse control, I suddenly remember about some conditions with poor impulse control..Shudders!
I have started to diagnose myself with the nasty things some very ill-informed (but endearing) person diagnosed me with.yay..geee, I am so flattered.My fault though..totally! You don't go out and do such things for people..at all!

Speaking of unflattering diagnoses,,all the more necessary to demonstrate some impulse control..For all you know,this is too true only for you..only in your mind..Maybe it is unreal/forgettable for everyone else.ya know..
Girl..where is the impulse control? Is it so tough?huh? Impulse control..go play some guitar.go .

Missing the kisses

Missing the Kisses
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission
Missing the kisses,
I am missing those kisses,
You gently place on my ears,
My neck,
and my eyes,
and everywhere else.
Missing you,
Here is a kiss from me,
One for the scar between your shoulder blades,
One on each of the freckles on your back,
Many on your shoulders,
One for each ear,
kisses on your cheek,
soft kisses for your forehead,
kisses on each eye,
kisses on your ears,
Missing your kisses,
But they are long gone.

Written by Lecinqblog

A loooooooong 10 days

A loooooong 10 days
Copyright(c)2009 Dr A aka Lecinqblog, Please do not reproduce or use without prior written permission
These ten days,
Are going to be long,
aren't they going to be too long?
What if i forget,
What if i feel relieved,
what if i don't want it anymore?
What if i will never know how it actually feels?
what if it will become a distant memory of;
What could have been?
What if i end up liking these 10 days of solitude?
What if?
But I need to know
Solitude speaks to you,
It silences the din
and the heart whispers,
So, i need these 10 days,
These long ten days,
looooooong ten days.
Written by Lecinqblog

Dear 'puppy dog eyes',Sorry!

Dear 'Puppy dog eyes',Sorry!
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog
Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission

Dear Puppy dog eyes,
Sorry!
Sorry,about everything.
It hurts,
I know it hurts,
It hurts me as much,
All I can say is Sorry,
because, I am truly sorry,
It hurts my heart,
It hurts my soul,
It had to happen this way,
This is all consuming,
like running on fumes,
the last drops of gasoline,
leaves no room for anything else,
We run in circles,
hurt each other to see how much we care,
This is all consuming
It hurts,more than i can describe,
Sorry is all I can say,
Sorry for you,
Sorry for me,
The puppy dog eyes, they haunt,
I know i haunt you;
Everyday,
We are like ghosts now,
our souls are ghosts too,
haunt is all we can do;
To each others' minds,
to our hearts;
We squeeze them and pulverize them,
Drink them up and
Try to walk away,
coz it hurts to be,
it hurts to walk away,
it just plain hurts.
So, sorry!
Sorry this ever happened.
Dear puppy dog eyes,
my dear puppy dog eyes,
Sorry?
I know I am your puppy dog ears,
but you are my puppy dog eyes,
I am sorry..coz this hurts too much for me to stay!
hugs
Sorry, my puppy dog eyes, sorry,
This just consumes me too much,
I have to walk away,
For you, For me!
Written by Lecinqblog

Want

WANT
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.
Copyright(c)Dr.A aka Lecinqblog Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission
WANT


Serendipity,
crossing paths,
Curiosity,
Conflict,
dismissal.


More curiosity,
interaction,
withdrawal,
dismissal,
interaction,
dismissal,
conflict.




Immense reaction;
spontaneity,
conflict,
anger,
withdrawal,
emotional disconnnection.




Conflict,
withdrawal,
curiosity,
interaction,
want.




Curiosity,
interaction,
entanglement,
withdrawal,
conflict,
anger.




Emotional withdrawal,
denial,
escapism,
withdrawal,
anger.




Interaction,
interaction,
interaction,
immense entanglement,
emotional entanglement.




Want,
more want,
immense want,
curiosity,
withdrawal.




Conflict,
anger,
denial,
anger,
conflict.




Want,
want and conflict,
revelation,
vindication,
occurance.


Hurt,
regret,
disgust,
shudder.




More disgust,
sadness,
hurt,
regret,
deep regret,
give up!


Silence,
disconnnect,
sadness,
fear,
yearning,
reconnect.


Reconciliation,
tears,
hurt,
disappointment,
resentment.


Hurt,
deep hurt,
yearning,
want.


Giving in,
hurt,
emptiness,
yearning,
want.


Dissatisfaction,
hurt,
anger,
want!
Written by Dr.AR aka Lecinqblog

The pensive playlist

Like I usually say on the Poetry and poise blogs,
Playlists and the music we choose to play at a given point of time reflect our mood at that particular time.

Dec 20- 2 ft of snow in the Northeast

Lots of thoughts in my head.Some puppy dog eyes haunt me in my mind..some bitterness in the heart prod me to walk away and then I need a playlist..
This is what i played

Playlist now>Santana(product G&B) Maria>Chris Daughtry-Home>Its not over>Coldplay-The hardest part>Daniel bedingfield-Gonna get through this 3:23 AM Dec 20th from web

Listening to>Coldplay-If you love me>Daniel powter-Bad day>Darren Hayes-Insatiable>Rihanna-Disturbia>Sean Hayes-Dream machine>Duffy-Mercy:)) 3:39 AM Dec 20th from web

The song DREAM MACHINE has a very hypnotic feel to it.It is like U R laying on the dance floor slowly writhing in a trance like rattlesnakes 3:54 AM Dec 20th from web

Playing now>Duffy-Warwicke avenue>Eminem-8 mile-Lose yourself>Enrique Iglesias-RythmDivine>Robbie williams-Feel>Fergie-Big girls don't cry:) 4:09 AM Dec 20th from web

Playing now>Fergie-Fergilicious>Pink-Funhouse>George Harrison-Sweet Lord>Green day-Boulevard of Broken dreams>GunsNRoses-sweet child of mine 4:40 AM Dec 20th from web

 puppy dog eyes, pouty mouth,typing away frantically into keyboard,while multitasking-cooking spaghetti casserole.More puppy dog eyes!!! 9:19 AM Dec 20th from web

My Best friend/s advice/s me!

 I am a woman...we all have relationship crisis/crises(more than one).

We go to our bestest friends.Friends who have nothing out of it, as in they don't benefit from any particular outcome.So,they give neutral third person opinion.

Because i am a woman, this time around, I  went to  male male best friends to find out the male perspective on this particular  issue..

Two male best friends and yet , Almost exact similar advice..

Sigh..Yet..I don't learn..coz my gut instinct asks me to get anxiety related arrhythmia by indulging in dangerous pursuits.So,I continue on, in spite of the advice they gave.

Nevertheless,here are nuggets of their advice>Just as a record for posterity..

Their names and real details of the whole issue have been withheld for the privacy of all parties involved.
============================================
BEST FRIEND 1 ADVICES


Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"ya, you must've missed that memo, all guys are dogs" again,thanks for saying that.I didn't know ALL were.they are?
Me:BLAH
Best friend advice:"..dogs that chase after any tail they see!"

okaaay.I didn't know it was so grim.But really?I guess!

Me:BLAH
 Best friend advice:"....and he would've moved onto the next tail he saw walk past"
Again,thanks! I guess he would have!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"...one last time GET OVER IT.you're not perfect, you made a mistake!"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)Best friend advice:"...learn, move on.forget he even exists!"Okie, dokie,shall try!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..no, you've finally learned something that most learn at 18-22.catching up!"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..he wasn't in love with you.he was reaching.trying to see what he could get.just drop it, move on, learn from your mistakes."

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..get over that feeling.pride comes before the fall."

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..you now see the need for that attachment.never before have you seen that need.cause he couldn't get you.he wanted you only on his conditions"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"he might not have actually quit those things"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"best case scenario he falls in love with you, you fall in love with him, story over.worst case, you get there, he dumps you within two weeks"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"no need to waste more brain functions on him"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"keep striving for perfection.he wasn't perfection"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)===================================

BEST FRIEND 2 ADVICES


Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:what sort of drama? guy drama?

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES: So now he'll have no girlfriends

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:lol no, but it happens allllllll the time.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:why? there's nothing wrong with the story

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:it sounds like any normal drama story

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:lots of douche bag guys out there.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:welcome to most men!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:'Most' doesn't mean all

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:It's true though. Lots of men I know are jackasses.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I don't approve of most guys my friends date

 Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I'm not saying women aren't guilty of the same behavior. I think it's becoming common in today's society

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:People are programmed to climb the ladder in their careers and in their life. Always upgrading, always looking for more.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:sometimes a mess is worth cleaning up. Kinda like a run down house that needs a good renovation.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I can tell that relationship won't go very well.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:yeah, I prefer to avoid other people's messes and clean up my own if I make a spill.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:when people get too greedy, they lose everything.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:sometimes it takes two hands to catch a falling/shooting star, and if you're busy catching one with another

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:hand, you'll drop them both.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:well, it's stuff you already know., I just put it into words for you
=================
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

I understand now

I understand now how it is possible for a 40 year old man to just cheat on his wife like that.
I understand how it is possible for a 29 year old woman to be with that forty year old cheating husband.
I understand how a 30 year old man can fall for the 40 year old deserted wife.
I understand how two friends can love the same girl
I understand how the girl can love both the men
I understand how what starts as pity sex turns into passionate out of control affair
I now understand your lines where you say, You gave up your beliefs to be with her
I now understand how you just had to do it despite you knowing it won't work
I now understand why i questioned it so much and yet I myself am doing the very same thing.
I am angry that i am doing the exact same thing i was angry you were doing
I understand how out of control and conflicted you were back then to do what you did , the exact same thing, that i am now doing after having objected and warned you at that time.
We are all fallible,,koby says that..he is right
I understand how we are all puppets at the fate of cruel trysts ..trysts we put out fingers in like babies do in fire.
They burn, they singe, but do they learn.Maybe not.
I understand how once we are wired a certain way, we do it over and over and over till one day we die.
I understand how no amount of psychotherapy and family support changes that.
We learn those kickass lessons and yet will forget those lessons again at the nick of time
We hate ourselves for selling ourselves short.
We hate ourselves when the people dearer to us sell themselves short, yet we do the same
Why can't we be together?
oh no.we just have to go find those broken people, get broken ourselves and then run into each other's arms during those window periods..
Where we quickly gasp for all the air we can ever get,
warm ourselves in each other's embrace,
yet we go out again, seeking more broken people,
Why can't we just be with each other?
it is not like we didnt' find each other.
but no,,we need those broken people,
to let ourselves know how unbroken we are in comparison
yes, that is it..we want to feel like the better ones
I understand it all..

Head on shoulder

 HEAD ON SHOULDER
Copyright(c)Lecinqblog aka Dr.A .Please do not use or reproduce/use without prior written permission


Head on shoulder,
All i want to do;
Is to call you near,
And say,
"Come here!".

I lay there silently looking at the ceiling,
You come and lay down beside me too,
Then you lay your head on my left shoulder,
I let you;
coz I want you there,
Then I slowly lower my gaze,
To look upon your puppy dog eyes,
And then I ask,
"Why the pain?"
And then i let you kiss me,
Over and over and over,


Does your pain go away?
Probably not;
I just let you do it anyways,
I just want your head on my shoulder.
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

About caging a pretty bird!

 Copyright(C) Lecinqblog aka Dr.A.Please do not reproduce without prior written permission.Do not use for any purpose without asking first.

ABOUT CAGING A PRETTY BIRD

A person sees a very pretty, colorful bird ;
with many colorful feathers;
that is soaring in the sky;
in the all its glory.

They take a liking to it .
They want it..
They want to  own it.
They want to keep it at their beck and call;
so that they can watch the pretty feathers;
whenever they want.

They want to keep  it near;
so they can hear it sing it's pretty songs;
whenever they want to hear one .

They lay a trap.
They catch the bird.
They put it in a CAGE.

Days pass by,
the bird gets sadder and sadder.
It cannot fly in all its majesty.
Flying, which is its second nature;
is not allowed anymore!

It sits in its unnatural circumstances,
in that tiny little cage,
a pitiful spectacle.
It gets sadder by the day.
The bondage,
the lack of freedom;
NO skies, no trees..
Just  a tiny cage.

A majestic creature that once soared the skies ,
now sits in a tiny space of a cage.
The bird tries to get out in the first few days.
No luck!
Days pass..

The bird is resigned to its fate.
It sheds a silent tear every now and then.
It waits..
maybe the cage will open,
maybe I will go..
The cage doesn't open.

Slowly, the bird becomes another person.
A person who sits in a cage waiting to be fed.
It changes.

The colorful feathers shed.
No more colorful feathers.
Just some grayish singed ones.

No more of that freshness anymore.
The glow of the body is gone.
Some more silent tears.

A body transformation.
Unhealthy feathers in a  filthy cage.
The bird stops singing too..
After all,what is there to sing about sitting in a tiny cage?
Nothing..nothing at all!

Slowly, slowly,
the bird forgets the skies,
the trees, the singing..
it becomes this colorless, sad, grey feathered bird;
that never sings!

It just lets out a sigh,
a sad sigh of bondage,
It cries some more,
Tears dry up!

The heart is broken,
the body is dead
The bird dies!
Merely of heartbreak,
of  bondage ,
of having been possessed ;
and displaced !

It dies,
It lays there in the cage,
till someone clears up the cage;
Yet for another new bird with colorful feathers
To come in
Waiting...the cage is waiting.
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog
Copyright(c)Lecinqblog

Dear you,Can I adopt your big bro

The smell of his body

If you follow my Twitter stream on a regular basis you might recall that weeks ago, i got drenched in the rain--to the bone.. got my camera and phone and other paraphernalia wet too..not to mention the boots and what not.. I could have easily found refuge in a building just as the rain began to pour, but i kept moving on, partly because it had been so long since i got wet in the rain and I like getting wet in the rain.
Anyways, I came back home and within an hour had to go out again..NO time to dry off my stuff and my favorite coat was wet to the core.. So, i decided to dry it out by ironing it.
I think the coat was of a synthetic waterproof material-something that would melt if i put the hot iron right on top of it..So, I used newspaper between the Hot iron and the overcoat and kept ironing it..It was probably the chemicals in the newsprint but a strange smell of print admixed with wet coat and smell of rain and all that finally reminded of a strange smell that came back from distant memory.My ex boyfriend...hmmmmmm...His body..that smell....I guess, he used to accumulate all the automobile exhaust smell on his body -It can happen when you ride a bike  in the open exposing yourself to automobile exhaust on the streets.
We used to have a fixed time of roughly an hour at my home each day to speak and spend time with each other.He would brave all kindsa weather to make it there in time ..and since there was only a hour(this one hour was besides the eight hours we spent together at med school-that is like 9 hours together,geez)
anyways, in that one hour at home, we would get down to business(if you know what i mean) like clockwork..and his body sweat, the automobile exhaust and sometimes the wet coat smell that lingered on his skin ..that smell.. that is how the present smell smelled of..funny how smells get forever etched in our minds like this.. It was a spooky experience to smell that smell again. all while ironing out a wet overcoat.LOL

===========================================
I just realized that a lot of young impressionable minds are reading my blog entries and thus i felt the need to come here and add a post script to this story .
Original blog entry was written on Nov 25 2009
Post script has been added on Dec 24th 2009
How many hours are there in a day? 24 , yeah? Then we sleep for 8 and that leaves us with how many?16.
Out of those 16 hours, we were spending 9 hours together..and the med schoool and 1 hour of to and fro travelling.. that leaves us with how much of time for ourselves?
Let us see, 5 hours ..and in those 5 hours, we had to study, shower, eat and do whatever other stuff.
Is that enough? Is that enough time for ourselves?
Also doing such a thing(getting down to business)  at a  prescribed time like clockwork each day, coz we only get  that one hour together at home in full privacy ..again..How healthy was that?
On retrospect, doing it like that coz that was our only chance to do it. was unhealthy in itself..
                          It is like eating and stuffing yourself silly coz you may not get time to eat  when you actually get hungry..it is sad and unnecessary .
                        It was more like an obligation which we felt the need to do coz if we didn't do it at the time we had together,we  won't get time later when we actually miss each other and feel the need to do it.
                                  And yeah, did I mention  the pathetic all nighter phone calls we used to make each other ..all coz i would feel that those one hour sessions ended abruptly just when i started to emote..(I need alteast a 3 hour session, to do it slowly.I can't hurriedly do it like it was my job and i was getting paid for it or some such)
                          So i used to feel that these sessions  were animated and forced and were not done sponteneously and i had to emote and express during that prescribed time of one hour out of force and that doesn't ever happen with me. I need 3 hours...I need it to escalate , slow and steady.(btw, if any creeps are reading this....if you are over the age of 44.please imagine your daughter is writing this blog entry and move on...instead of having creepy fantasies in your head)
                                         When i look back , I understand how distressed I was with the whole scenario.
On top of that,this particular person that i was with., I really didn't want to be with him at all in the first place. It was because he tried every tact in the book so that he could make me be with him, I finally gave in.
Giving in like that,out of the fact that the other person is so into you and that if you are with such a person you are doing something for them..is a VERY BAD IDEA..
                                     nuff of preaching..btw,, to read more on relationship dynamics and such, you might want to check out my other blog "antidote to anger" look to your right and there is  a link.
cheers
                         

Far North-Movie review

This movie is deep
This movie is picturesque
This move is emotionally absorbing
This movie is shocking in places
The movies is sad on many levels
It is slower than the usual pace at which movies are set.So,if you don't like reallySLOW moving film plots, you might want to skip this.(but I highly recommend you slow yourself down and actually catch this movie!)
A very unique story.The movie is based on a short story by Sara Maitland.
Dwells into complicated emotions where, sometimes, people whom you have been very kind to all their life , all in an act of petty selfishness leave you behind to find their own way.
Is it fair to find their own way? probably yes.A very complicated situation
The background music is eerie, amazing and reminds me of japanese music, though essentially is all about slow european opera.Dario Marianelli has scored the music for this movie..Very amazing..very calming in places, very eerie in places, Very good music.Compliments ,sir!
Asif kapadia, director, screen play writer..Dude,,good job.
This movie, I couldn't catch it from the beginning, so the full review will be when i see it in whole, like, right from the first shot.
Very very good.
I am going to try and find time and sit there and watch this movie from start to end..
This is a 2007 release..very very very good.. as a work of art, as a work of cinematography, as a work of music juxtaposition with emotion.
Nevertheless, I still have my final verdict reserved till after i finish watching the whole thing. I shall then write about the storyline in detail too.k?


Meanwhile, here is an interview with The director Asif kapadia..Nice read

http://www.bean-land.de/rg_sbfarnorthinterviewe2008.htm

I just read the interview and seems like Asif quite deliberately wanted the movie to not look from any particular country or a particular timeline.He choose to make it to look timeless and universal and I must say that it does look universal -as in , you cannot put your finger on it and say, "This is this country, this is from this timeline--a vagueness about location and timeline" The film has however been shot in part in Norway, the Island of Svalbard, and inside in Twickenham Studios
The movie seems to have been released by Kurt media on DVD

From the Interview I gather that Asif's first movie is called "The warrior".Given that i am so impressed with his FAR NORTH, I am now going to try and catch hold of THE WARRIOR too..Intrigued!

The playlist of TENDER INTENSITY

 This blog entry was written first on Nov 22nd..and it has been just over a month.And usually add postscripts to older blog entries if something connected to the subject matter of that blog entry warrants updating of the blog entry.I usually add such updates the end of the original blog entry and call it a post script.But this time I figured I might add a prescript to this blog entry.
Prescript is dated Dec 24th 2009


The prescript is a POST-INTENSITY PLAYLIST


The actual  nature of the "Intensity" by itself becomes questionable when you realize that everything on the other side is very ambiguous, secretive and in wraps, where they don't let out the real feelings out in words anymore.. So, all there was, was this 10 hour conversation..Nothing real ever happened after that..It never will; coz , I am like a square peg and they are like a jagged edged hole. and i will never fit in that hole..
Anyways.. again, playlists reflect moods and the present POST INTENSITY PLAYLIST plays only one song and it is a song called 
WHO IS SORRY NOW? by Connie francis


Who is sorry? hmmmmm...very complicated questions..Maybe , another blog entry on my antidote to anger blog will serve its own purpose better.Not here,, not just yet..



 THIS WAS THE ORIGINAL BLOG ENTRY WRITTEN ON NOV 22,2009(READ ON)
************************************************
Recently i had a long conversation(read 10 hours) with someone. 
Today, a couple of hours ago, I was still recapturing the conversation in my head and as i did that, I selected some songs from my music and put together a playlist.
Playlists are like MOOD METERS.The type of songs you choose at particular points of time to listen to; reflect the mood at that time.


I am just making a record of this playlist--because, I observed that the set of songs I chose were highly representative of my thoughts connected to this person..Indirectly or directly !


Here are the songs


1/Dave Brubeck-Blue Rondo A la Turk


2/OSD-Free diver-Movie-Song-Brutally brutally in love with your children(the line from this song that intensely captures my soul each time i listen to it is>> I am brutally brutally in love with your children, even though, You won't let me have them) awwwww


3/Darren Hayes-Insatiable>>> In my opinion Darren completely  CAPTURES with his angelic voice  the intense emotion of love making


4/Amy Winehouse--Do me good >>lyrics.. Do me good and so this craziness will disappear, Do me good and I will tell you anything you want to hear ! (When she sings do me..she is only asking him to be good to her..not like do her or something..just to put a halt to minds on overdrive)




5/Sean Hayes feat DJ Mark Farina--Dream Machine --This song is hypnotic..Totally,,reminds me of long lonely drives in hot vast deserts ..all sweaty, lonesome.. and yet hypnotically magically 




6/About dreaming with a broken heart-JM-This song will gnaw from inside of your soul after it soaks in first.


7/Eric Clapton -Wonderful tonight--I would say,, a simple kind of love.where she dresses for a  party and duh! simple compliments and simple love..nothing complicated..hmmmmm..


8/George Harrison-Sweet Lord--I know this is like one of those church choruses.. where you get lost in the song for the repetitive trance like state--But yet..worth listening once in a while




9/Goh Nakamura-Highway flowers--Goh is my dear friend..Lyricist par excellence..The lyrics are just too much..any of his songs are just good enough for any time for me..Heya Goh..good job!


10/Again Goh nakamura-Daylight savings-Immense lyrics, immense voice..




11/Goh-Embarcadero blues--again..another anytime song for me..I listen to his songs almost everyday..so there ya go..nothing specific for this playlist or any such


12/Scissor sisters-I don't feel like dancing 


13/The killers-Are we human or are we dancers


14/Carling New kings--Love is just a game, broken all the same --Very interesting, catchy, slow, gets to me 


15/Uni and her Ukelele-Mahalo maui rose-truly,,her songs are always catchy.some of the lesser known artists but very good nevertheless.


16/Maroon 5-She will be loved--each time i listen to this song, I start remembering the music video..I think it is very twisted -very typical of all Maroon 5 videos..hmmmm


17/MIA-Sunshowers-I like the video to this song..all those kids on branches of mango trees..Interesting and a very unique sound 


18/Midnight cowboy-Everybody is talking at me, i don't hear a word they are saying, Only the echoes of my mind-
This song..totally melancholic and gets me and kinda makes me cry for some reason ..the song in the context of the movie plot also makes it even more sad for me


19/Nelly furtado-Turn off the lights--Very interesting sound this song has got..catchy , rappy and yet dreamy at the same time


20/Pearl jam-The fixer -You should see them in concert..they are like the idea of sexy ..and powerful  vocals .There is  something of that older-man-sexy  about them...powerful vocals.. me likes(wink wink)


21/Chad Blondel-Pretty eyes--This guy is an Australian artist-Found him from myspace.This song is slow, chiding and I like it very much .. This song kinda reflects my present situation --totally 


22/Savage garden -Truly,Madly,Deeply -Again, Darren hayes, his voice-ultimately oozing of sexual energy laced with tenderness.. and this song was one of the songs I used to play on the jukebox each day at the cafe while in med school.


23/Jamiroquai-Seven days in sunny june-This song will take me back to summer in my mind.it is like sliding on ice and yet it is summer--The song slides into your ears, I say! Totally ! My absolute favorite.


24/Shakira feat Alexandro -La Tortura--Totally reflects the mood..damn..the cooing tones of the voices..totally charged with sexuality 


25/Carling New kings-She won't love me like you --This song is interesting in its lyrics and somehow takes me back to 2006 -the summery afternoons


26/Maroon 5-Sunday morning--Duh,,if it is sunday morning, what song is better than SUNDAY MORNING, RAIN IS FALLING..each time i listen, i feel rain is falling...totally rocks!


27/Shania Twain-That don't impress me much-The lyrics make me giggle for some reason..sweet...I often think of this song when guys find silly way to try to impress me..


28/OST-The Departed-Movie-The guitar solo right when the rat walks on the railing-Maaaan,,this is truly some melodic guitar shredding!


29/The fugees-Killing me softly-Again, one of the very first songs I downloaded onto my laptop when i bought it years ago-very dreamy, very flowy, very groovy...smoothhhhh! Apt for this occasion and state of mind


30/The script-Break even-Apt lyrics-Coz I got time and she got freedom,coz, when a heart breaks, it don't break even!


31/OST-Top gun-Movie-Take my Breath Away ! Again, need I explain?Lyrics, baby!


32/Venessa Paradis-Be my baby--Again, this lady is the Baby mama of kids of that guy from that pirate movie-johnny depp?


33/Maroon 5-Wake up call -Again, any song by Maroon 5 will work for any Intense mood...any sexy mood ..any damn mood, I say!


34/Connie Francis-Who is sorry now---Golden Oldies--very interesting lyrics.......


35/Maroon 5- Woman  Again,,what can I say..Adam levine==sexual voice. Totally suits this mood!


36/TOUCH AND GO - Would you?\
 Lyrics > I find you very attractive,Noticed you around..Would you? Ummmm..would you go to bed with me?
Now 36 is one song.. that will totally turn me on and i will go into one of those jolly(wink wink) moods..NO, totally! This song will get to me and will start to make me grin..totally! VERY SEXY

silence

silence.

The duck and the goose

THE DUCK AND THE GOOSE
copyright(c) Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

The duck and goose,
the goose and the duck,
Two lil beings,
They think alike,
the duck and goose,
They like each other,
The goose and the duck,
cry together, and laugh together,
the duck and goose,
Go mess up in the same kind of messes,
They love, they laugh all the same,
The duck and goose,
they would be nice together.
Written by Lecinqblog

Mistaken appreciation for Romantic interest!

The thing..I am not sure if it is the way I interact with people.
Maybe the amount of attention i give people even if all I intend is a friendship is almost in exaggeration to what usually others would give only if they are romantically interested in the other party.
Let us make this simple.
Ordinarily,It appears that, people would give a certain amount of reaction to someone they seek to have a friendship with.And these very people would(as it appears coming to think of it) reserve their immense praises and compliments and exaggerated reactions of goodwill only for the people they are romantically interested in ..As in , in a relationship where they are expecting something more back...As in..you are romantically interested in someone...and you are expecting them to reciprocate with their love to you and then both of you can emotionally derive some benefit out of it or something.

Bus rides,Train rides and Bicycle rides

I love busrides..i also love trainrides..I like bicycle rides the most..
bike rides allow you to ride slow enough to be able to take the surroundings in...
I love bus rides because you can sit there like the queen while someone else drives the bus for you..You can look out the window...stare at people at each busstop and prolly take pictures and study books..
I like Train rides the best-not only does someone else drive for you...there is walking space..the pantry car..the dining area.. the works..Not to mention the jiggly ride...reminding you of a milder roller coster...Me likes!!

Thinkin

thinkin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to

I want to ............................

Review of MJ's funeral memorial service

I know , I know!
Some of you are already gasping after having read the blog header
Well, "oh my god.She is going to the extent of reviewing a funeral service! How disrespectful of her!"
Well, first off, Though the Idea of reviewing someone's funeral service might come across as obscene, I feel the compulsion to do it.I feel obligated to do it, as a mark of respect to MJ.
Also, because , 10 years down the line, People will be googling to find out a real account of the funeral and I need some real honest record of it to exist somewhere for people to read.
And yes, ten years down the line, I know that Google will still be going strong and people will still be using google as their search tool.I am so hopeful like that inspite of the Microsoft-yahoo merger in an attempt to take on the Google giant.Microsoft is a greedy little shark with no respect for ethics or privacy .So, i don't like them..I like Google..I like Google.

Now for the review:
First off, I hate it that the abusive father and the estranged brothers and sisters got to organize this memorial.
The people,Whom in real life, he had decided not to be in contact with.
The whole family then sits there in the front row wearing dark shades.
I think that wearing dark shades all in a row, like some MEN IN BLACK team , is very disrespectful indeed.
The so called family sat there in the first row.The eldest daughter of MJ , all of 12 yrs old, very unsure..afraid, almost with an expression of->eager and wanting to please the people who probably she hopes will be good to her now that her only papa is gone and gone forever.
The son , a little younger , also sitting beside the grandmother, younger than the daughter,typical of how little boys are trained in this society, chewing gum like a camel, all in attempt to show he is cool, he is okay, he is strong and he can manage on his own coz he is DA MAN..Sad, but he is all but a child, having suddenly lost his father and now having to sit beside this whole bunch of men and women wearing dark shades, perfect strangers, suddenly pretending to be family.
A child chewing gum like that only means that the kid is very nervous, and yet is even scared to show his emotion coz he is scared to appear emotionally vulnerable. Why scared? because he doesn't trust anyone around now.. Better behave like you are unafraid and what better way to do so than chew gum nonchalantly to show that he is not afraid.
The third kid, the youngest, kinda had this "Deer in headlights " look. Too young to understand the gravity.. but surely the kid knew something was up. Was the third one even there or was I seeing things? Can't say.I was partly dazed at the sudden death.
No matter what MJ did in his life.. he really was a great talent.. A great talent who had to deal with the greediness of a large family,his own family, which wanted to cash in on his talent.. Black families can be like that..Not just black families but all communities that constantly yap about how family is the most important thing in life , do this.Such communities and families put up a fake image for the neighbors when a lot of nasty things are pushed under the carpet.. A lot of abuse happens and yet, everyone is supposed to pretend like they are happy .why? I have no idea..To put a good show? why?
Anyways, My aim here was to review the funeral service and not their lives..So lets get to business
The family had requested famous singers to come and perform .. and I am sure , half of them came out of a mark of respect ..Sometimes , its like, you just can't refuse coz the Guy is dead..this is not the time to say No.
I am so worried for the children ..really..that family ..they look like a bunch of ruthless money sharks. It has been only a month or more after his death AND THE WHOLE FAMILY IS EAGER TO PUT OUT A FAMILY ALBUM TRYING TO CASH IN ON THE DEATH OF MJ. and they are trying to pass it off a tribute to MJ..They have no business putting out an album at all.. Seriously, if he meant anything to you guys, you would be really grieving his death, and not putting out albums trying to cash in on the mass mania that his death has brought about. In fact the news that the whole family is trying to rope in famous singers to participate in this tribute album is what finally prompted me to post a review of his funeral service .there is a limit to shamelessness.. The guy is dead. PLEASE DON'T MAKE HIM THE CASH COW EVEN AFTER HIS DEATH.I just hope no one buys this tribute album..Don't buy anything this family puts out... Don't feed the greedy sharks.
Anyways, The funeral service happened at the Staples center and all fans were asked to participate in a lucky draw and some few lucky got chosen randomly out of the whole lot and they got to enter and attend .So,everyone got a chance to try their luck and if they didn't make it , it was sheer odds .After all there is only that many people they could accommodate at the staples center.So, that part was done fair and square.
There was a musical performance -A tribute of sorts..
All these popular singers came and sang on stage and paid their respects with their music..which was fine..After all what other way to pay tribute than to sing or perform music.I am not going to review their performance here.But special mentions->Jennifer Hudson's performance and Stevie wonder's performance felt more close to the heart and sincere than the others. Hence the special mentions.
Some of them came and spoke. The worst part was the speech of Brooke shields .It was at one time speculated that they dated.She spoke at the funeral.she kept speaking and crying alternately.She kept saying about how being a public figure and the lack of privacy thereof was a common factor that united them.. hmmmm... well, for one..MJ was a talent.. he sang..his music is world class.. Brooke shields on the other hand , is or was a model.. Modelling cannot be equated to musical talent.. I am sorry lady.. there is a lot of difference between your kinda famous and his kinda famous... Also, I think, Models are quite aware that their contributions are not really as significant as much as the some of the other real talents in tinsel town which also explains their constant feelings of worthlessness or depression especially since they are paid so much in comparison to what seeminly is an easy job.. I know, some models are now going to come running to say how tough modelling is,,how much of drugs and abuse goes on there, how much of travelling they have to do and all that bullshit.All i have to say is.. well,, it might be difficult ..but not more difficult than so many other jobs.. No one asks you take drugs. and drugs is not part of modeling.. I was telling the modeling is easy... if you take drugs as a model and mess up your life.. that is not a part of your official job description..So stop overplaying the importance of your job.There are far more important jobs in this world.Modeling is really a dispensable one.
And so .. I felt that it was stupid of her to stand there at MJs funeral and ramble on and on about how both of them could relate to each other because both of them were very famous.. She rambled about about how at Elizabeth Taylor's wedding they were playing around like children.Seriously.. what was she thinking?..she could have made her speech shorter and said something more sensible..But instead she was desperate and eager to show that she was someone connected to MJ..Ridiculous and unnecessary it was..
There were these two basketball players who came on..Magic johnson was just fine..short, sweet, few lines. Then this other black guy(i don't know who he was) -I am presuming that he was another player too..He took the opportunity not to really pay homage to MJ but to sit and say things which indirectly implied that MJ ate chicken.It seemed like he was more eager to clarify that MJ was not a vegetarian more than anything else.You see, soon after MJ's death so many news items about MJ's vegetarianism were making the rounds..So,this guy , saw his role in shattering that myth and making sure that no one goes on the path of vegetarianism by believing those rumors . He took it upon himself to make sure he clarifies this piece of news at the memorial service of all places..Seriously! he goes on and on about this story about how the first time he visited MJ's house, the butler asks him what he wants to eat.. and he then asks for Fried chicken and then later how MJ shares a bucket of KFC fried chicken with him .. I don't know.. Did KFC pay him to say that? Is a funeral a place to sit and talk about a bucket of KFC? product placement. Gosh! Geez!
Whatever it was...some of these speakers had their own agenda and that agenda didn't quite reflect any true intention of paying homage to MJ..
There was this black couple which came on stage and i have no idea what they spoke.but they spoke and spoke.. Its like..even on his funeral day..everyone was fighting for the spotlight. Its like..LETS MAKE THE MOST OF THIS..
The only bright point of the funeral service were the musical performances.. if at all there can be bright point at a funeral at all
hmmmmmm. Made me realize how emotionally dead people can be.. yeah they are dead in their soul even before they are physically dead.. So,,let MJ's soul rest in peace..though i really don't believe in afterlife and all that jazz. I hope the children manage to not get damaged till one of them reaches 16 and then seeks emancipation and seeks custody of the rest of their siblings..Because at this point, the children are being looked at as the Golden geese.. I feel sad about that.

A special HI! to MJD

I started twittering (or tweeting )on April 3rd.I have made quite a few friends on twitter.. not the friends you call when you need someone to urgently come over home when you are super sick but the kind of wonderful friends with whom you share thoughts, give and get emotional support and have discussions with.
MJD is from portugal..she is a wonderful lady and is officially my twitter sister . We came across each other due to our common appreciation for Jason Mraz music.
For the past three days. MJD has embarked upon the task of teaching me Portuguese, and I am thoroughly enjoying the exercise..Since i can't pay her any real money as the tuition.I decided to make a sketch of her childhood picture(this pic is, from what I gather, her favorite picture)as a token of my appreciation to her.
Anyone who is here coz i asked you to rate this sketch..Please do so in the comments section right here or DM me on twitter with your rating.I so would like feedback about my artwork.
Cheers!

Why do I love you so? I don't want to !

Why do i love you so ?I don't want to!
Copyright(c)2009 Lecinqblog.Do not reproduce without permission
Why do i love you so?
I don't want to ,
But looks like I have to,
It won't go away,
The love,
It stays,
It seethingly lingers inside of me,
I want it go away,
So, I can rest in peace,
It won't go away,
It stays inspite of my desire to let it go,
I want to hate it ,
Because that is what slithers;
under the underbelly of the undeniable love,
I think I hate you because you don't fit in,
With this image of whom I would fall in love with,
It clashes with my principle of whom;
i have decided to fall in love with,
I hate you for a myriad of reasons,
So,why won't I stop loving you?
Why do I love you so?
I don't want to!
Written by Lecinqblog
to

Michael jackson died 3 days ago

Monday, June 29, 2009

First off, he dies at the age of 50, in this day and age of modern medicine, good cardiac drugs, great interventions available to prolong life and what not. There was no dearth of money.Though there was some news of bankruptcy I am sure he had enough to pay for good medications.
Second off, his children are only 12,11 and seven.The children whom he shielded from the media glare and public.They are orphaned now.Just doesn't feel right.I am sure the relatives will go in for a custody battle for the money they might get for being a guardian.I hope Michael wrote a sensible will , so that the children don't become the golden geese .
Thirdly , he got acquitted of the child molestation charges only recently and he was planning a come back tour-which got sold out already. I was hoping this was going to be his redemption.That redemption never happened.
About child molestation charges , All i know is, he got acquitted.I have no access to the trial transcripts, so i cannot comment on this issue except that he was acquitted by a court of law .
Most news about famous entertainers are always laced with many lies, out of sheer jealousy and out of sheer desperation on part of the gossip magazine hounds who have no source of income unless they take pictures of entertainers .The gossip magazines are able to sell because there is no dearth of common people who want to gossip about an entertainer and sometimes derive cheap pleasure when something bad or weird is happening to someone famous and rich.You stop buying trash magazines and these trash magazines will be out of business.But , oh no, you are so nosy and are seeking such an escape from the mess that is your own life, you seek gossip news .You like outrageous news and sometimes these gossip magazines spin that gossip for you , at the cost of distress to another human being.
If someone sings well, you pay them to sing for you.end of issue.If you feel they are getting too rich disproportionate to their talent, stop buying their music.end of matter. no need to encourage gossip magazines to hound them and make their life a living hell with no privacy and then derive some sick pleasure by knowing that though they have money they have no peace. People, you are the ones paying for them.If you don't want them to be rich, don't pay so much for their music.Stop buying their music.end of matter.
Anyways, that whole lecture was because, i think, the media and the media stories were responsible for Michael's death in a way. He has been performing since very young , first as the star of the jackson five and then solo. He has been in the media glare all these years. The gossip, the rumors take a toll on a person. They start drinking and taking drugs to escape the drama. and one day , at the age of 50 they die too soon.
Michael Jackson's music and musical style and voice and message through music were all about equality, human rights, love and childhood and good things.Those ideas and thoughts were all his own.His music managed to reach third world countries.His records spanned over decades.I grew up with his songs.
His pelvic thrust and genitalia grabbing may not be my favorite moves in dance, but his moon walk sure is one of my favorite moves.
My favorite song of his is, 'THEY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT US' and the video to that is My favorite music video ever. the brazilian drums, the crowd, michael dancing in all abandon amongst the crowd. I love that video..have you seen him dancing ? Now, that is natural talent. he dances from his soul.he also sang from his soul.. It was all real. That sincerity was what was able to touch people across countries.
Have you seen this other music video for his song CHILDHOOD? well, my favorite line form that song is
BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME, TRY HARD TO LOVE ME.
Each time i hear that line, I break into a sob these past few days.Michael is gone.Death is such a final decider , isn't it?
One other song that i like very much is, BLACK OR WHITE. The music video just like always, amazing. One face morphing into another face all through the song, black morphs into a white face, then into brown, then into yellow. Beautiful
One other favorite song of his which is my favorite is , MAN IN THE MIRROR. It is a very long song, but when you pay attention to the lyrics, you can understand why that song is my favorite. The essense of the song is, CHANGE STARTS AT HOME, IT STARTS WITH THE PERSON YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR.
I have no idea what the issue has been with his father, but making a very young child, perform night after night like it is the kid's job is atrocious, in my opinion. well, Michael never had a childhood . I hear that there was talk of how Michael's father abused him and yet, It makes me want to puke to hear his father talk to reporters outside of his home today, when the reporter asks him," I hear that you have been particularly close to michael these past few years" and the father says, " He is my son, I fed him, Ofcourse I am close him "
I am thinking in my head, "there is absolutely no necessity that every person that feeds another person automatically gets close to that person. A person is not a dog , ya know.Not that i am trying to demean a dog here by saying that all that dogs need is to be fed "
Anyways, what happened between him and his father , only both of them know. So, I am not going to speculate on this issue where Michael was possibly abused by his father.
Spookily, Michael's untimely death is being compared to Elvis's death which was also too early and also suspected to be a drug related heart attack.
Speaking of which, the indignity of an autopsy.
I am a physician and I know what happens during an autopsy.It is sad to die and then be subjected to an autopsy just coz you are so famous that it becomes mandatory to rule out foul play.
Also speaking of which, I heard the 911 call that was made to call for help being played over and over on TV , over and over again. Gosh, ridiculous.Me as a physician, with all due respect to GOOD paramedics have to still say that I am very skeptical about the medical skills of paramedics.Most of them do more harm than good during the few minutes from home to hospital. They just know some basics and do those procedures very blindly without taking into consideration many other possibilities that a doctor could possibly think of during that time of crisis.Yet, they somehow think they are good enough to manage an emergency on their own .Anyways, that is a whole other blog entry for my Ecology and Health blog.I digress.Yes, blame is a big part of dealing with death of near and dear.So, prolly, I am trying to blame the paramedics as a way to deal with Michael's death.Maybe the paramedics did their job.Speaking of which, Michael's relatives want a second autopsy.Dude , none of you relatives were close enough to have been near him during his death.Now, everyone is crowding around him like they care.Again, I am an outsider, so i must not comment.Who knows what happens inside families.
BTW, I also think it is very insensitive to play the autopsy report on TV.Seriously, why talk about his balding head, knee surgeries and what not.Why? The man is dead. leave him alone.This is cheapness to try and explore his body to see what surgeries he got done. I mean, what the fock! People are like vultures, aren't they?
Also, looks like a lot of people are discussing on various forums, about his skin which turned into super white over the years, how his nose got very very short and well his child molestation accusations.
If any of you remember ,well, there was a fire accident many many years ago,while he was performing on stage and he had to receive a skin transplant .After that is what started the white skin. Did they transplant a white person's skin onto him? I have no idea , coz, from what i can see, his whole body is white.A whole body skin transplant? His nose, sure, he got surgery done, but didn't that happen after the burn incident too? I have seen patients lose noses during burn accidents. So ,sure, nose could have been lost in that fire accident.I don't have the exact chronology of incidents, coz ya know, i was busy doing important things back then.
Medically, vitiligo doesn't classically appear that way his skin is/was these days. So, well, not vitiligo or is it? Medicine is vast, clinical variations are vast, can't comment at all.
About child molestations, there was this cancer patient kid, who was talking about how people are willing to treat an animal of another species aka a dog as their own family and yet are not able to treat a person of another race equally. A profound sentence indeed.And given Michael's song content in BLACK OR WHITE, I am sure , the young boy's words impressed him very much. No harm in inviting the children over to his home..
My only question is, what the fock were the parents doing? were they so starstruck that they forgot all chaperoning rules and left their young children to have a sleep over with an adult stranger? what the fockers? I want the parents to be tried in a court of law for utter negligence too.. and yet these parents shamelessly file a case and then get silent after getting some money. I mean, if really you cared only about your child, why go silent, why not fight it till the end? It was not about the child at all, was it now?Yet again, what happened between michael and those children, only they know. I am just a third party. I have no idea.
So yeah, I love Elvis's music. The best voice ever. The most beautiful face I have ever seen.He died before i was born, yet, Elvis's music is top on my playlist always. He died early.Had he lived, he prolly would have been 70 something, but come on, it would have been fun for me to go visit him in person. But no, he died. He left behind a child. The spooky part is, his only child was in a relationship with Michael jackson for a bit.They call it a fake relationship and well, gossip magazines will say anything,so , take it with a pinch of salt. hmmmm.. some karmic connection there. I don't believe in the concept of karma though. Anyways, Michael, the best musical talent ever. The content of his work, top quality. He died .. He just died too early. None of us were mentally prepared to deal with the sudden death.We were so ready to deal with him getting bankrupt and obscure and old, but not dead.
It is irritating to see the whole bunch of idiot entertainers come out and go ga ga over him now..I mean a few months ago, Vh1 was afraid to play his songs on their channel anymore, now they are blaring his music and paying homage. and all entertainers who wanted to play it safe and would say 'no comment' these past few years, suddenly come out and babble like frogs.After all , the man is dead, we can all safely babble now, that is what they think perhaps.
Only few entertainers had the courage to say they liked his music even when he was alive and caught up in all that controversy and only those people have the right to open their mouth and pay homage now.The rest of you, please shut up and move on.

Gray and Pink

Grey and pink
Written by Lecinqblog copyright(c)2009
He wears pink,
He wears it elegantly,
And he wears grey,
He wears it classily.
This him is not this other him you see.
One of them wears pink,
One of them wears grey,
Grey is gorgeous,
Pink is pretty,
Grey how you entice me,
pink how you invite me,
Grey how to challenge and provoke me,
Pink how much you accept and enchant me,
Grey and pink, pink and grey,
Which one, which one,
oh the eternal questions of everyday love,
Oh the eternal eeenie, meenie ,moes,
No it doesn't work like that,
It can't be rock,paper,scissors,
Who wins,
It is not about winning after all,
it is about who,
Pink or gray,gray or pink
Pink or gray,gray or pink
Pondering away these everyday ponderings,
pink or gray,gray or pink.
Copyright(c)2009Lecinqblog.Please do not use without permission.

---------------------------------------

Nov 2009..Pink and Gray refers to two different people.
since the time that i first wrote this poem..many revelations have occurs,may layers have been peeled further..but somewhere along the line, I chose Gray. I have to insist that i do have the most immense respect and admiration for pink but I think gray and me..we go back older, we connect mentally in a more complicated and undeniable manner..So,yes I chose gray..but ,,off late..a new green has walked in.. Green and me have nothing in common..personalities are opposite poled,,ethics are complete contrast..yet somewhere on some raw sexual level we gel..Soyeah.. but gray is da guy!