DISENGAGING FROM THE TANGO

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This Blog article(EXCEPT EXCERPTS) is creative property of Dr.A.R aka LecinQblog.This blog article originally was written for and is meant to appear on any one of the blogs in this list

http://www.blogger.com/profile/15524952530919224387 .If you find this blog article anywhere other than on BLOGSPOT,please visit my original blog,find my email address and email me with details of where else you read this blog entry.All my blogs are AD-free blogs AND I completely frown upon someone else trying to make money off my blogs without my prior written permission.

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DISENGAGING FROM THE TANGO

Poem by Dr.A.R aka Lecinqblog

Disengaging from the tiny tango,

is a part of this dance.

Me,the swan ,

gliding on the dance floor,

alone and shiny,

doing my dainty dance,

sometimes strong and acrobatic,

sometimes gentle and delicate,

Me,the swan,

gliding on the dance floor,

as the crowd watches and cheers.

Me,the swan ,gliding on the dance floor,

And as I dance,

I spot you at the fringes,

standing in your dark glow,

The dark feathered man duck,

cute and sweet,

quacking in your tongue,

A cluckety guttural speech,

I glide along dancing,

constantly distracted by you,

standing at the fringes,

quacking away in your deep dark garb.

I constantly look over my shoulder,

slightly distracted from my dance,

I do that so often that I pay note,

Who is this duck in deep dark feathers,

and this pleasant guttural quack?

I gesture to you,

I call you over,

to dance along,

just for a bit,

just for a tiny tango.

I gesture wildly till you take note,

And take note ,you do.

You stop your quacking and take note,

of the pristine bejewelled swan!

She dances and sings these strange notes,

you are bemused by her strange swan tongue!

Notes that sound interesting to your duck ear,

bemused and interested,

you take note,

of the bejewled swan,

gliding along the dance floor.

We are but the same,

me the gliding swan in water,

you the paddling duck in water,

but water birds all the same,

we are both water birds.

I gesture wildly till you take note,

half surprised,

Is it me you are calling?

And then,

in full public view,

You pitter patter your duck feet,

as you eagerly walk across the dance floor,

to join me in a dance.

You reach me,

And we ENGAGE in a tiny tango ,

our kind eyes lock for but a moment,

your kind duck eyes meet my kind swan eyes.

We are but the same,

gliding water birds,

gliding and singing,

water birds we are.

We do our tiny little tango,

shoulder to shoulder,

arms entangled,

feet in rythm,

eyes locked,

we have our tiny little tango.

Then,as we are still doing our tango,

I look over to the fringes where you were standing before,

there they were,

your whole duck family,

mama duck and baby ducks,

looking along,

slightly alarmed at our tiny tango,

slightly troubled,

but yet cheering on.

And ,as we are doing our tiny little tango,

for just a little bit more,

I disengage and retire to the fringes,

without a word to you,

without a gesture,

an abrupt retirement.

You seem nonplussed,

wondering why I stopped,

But I quickly walk away,

into the changing rooms ,

out of your view,

while you stand alone in the dancing arena.

You then slowly walk back to your duck family,

dejected and deep in thought,

invigorated by my dance,

yet surprised by it all,

a new experience,

a different experience.

Upon your return,

mama duck seems relieved,

baby ducks don't know any different,

they quack along at your return.

Many dances pass,

no sign of me on the dance floor,

your tired eyes search for me,

the prinstine swan gliding way.

I am not in view,

I am in the changing rooms,

drinking water,

changing constumes,

recuperating and reassessing.

And finally after a long time,

I reemerge,

strengthened and enlightened by my brief rest.

When I re-emerge on the dance floor,

I am a new me,

And yet,

As I glide along on the dance floor,

My eyes constantly run to you.

I notice your sad face,

yearning for yet another dance,

like the tiny little tango,

that we had not long ago.

So I gesture for you again,

for another tiny little tango.

But,you hesitate this time,

you look at your duck family,

as if to seek their approval and blessing.

They give it half heartedly,

and you pitter patter, yet again,

across the dance floor,

and then we have a tiny little tango,

yet again.

Another new tiny little tango!

This time it isn't as effortless.

I try to keep our bodies from getting closer,

yet trying to teach you the dance,

I try to push you further,

while still holding close.

The effort shows,

The struggle shows,

And for a minute,

you try to learn,

You try to do the tiny little tango.

　

This is a different tiny little tango ,

different from the previous one,

and then,as you try to meet my eyes,

I look away,

I am focusing more on the floor,

And,Your kind eyes moisten.

When I finally look up to meet your eyes,

You look down focusing on the floor.

Our eyes never meet this time.

This is a different tiny little tango,

no spontaneous charm,

no gay abandon,

just lowered eyes and

cautious footsteps.

finally,

you DISENGAGE from this tiny tango,

and walk back to the waiting duck family.

The ducklings are eagerly quacking at your return,

mama duck is relieved you are back in her arms.

and me ,

the pristine swan continues to glide on the dance floor,

as the crowds applaud the finesse of my dance,

my strong moves and my delicate turns,

The gliding swan continues to glide on the dance floor.

Copyright © LeCinQBlog

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Tags: #dilemma #mr_t #friends #comrades #chemistry #sexuality #love_lost #past_love

MR.SUNSHINE MAN

This Blog article is creative property of Dr.A.R aka LecinQblog.This blog article originally was written for and is meant to appear on any one of the blogs in this list

http://www.blogger.com/profile/15524952530919224387 .If you find this blog article anywhere other than on BLOGSPOT,please visit my original blog,find my email address and email me with details of where else you read this blog entry.All my blogs are AD-free blogs AND I completely frown upon someone else trying to make money off my blogs without my prior written permission.

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MR.SUNSHINE MAN

My sunshine man,

My Jimmety cricket,

My live wire with wisecracks,

My avocado farmer,

My forever charmer,

My wearer of many-hats,

My vespa rider,

My wave surfer,

My reader of books,

My writer of words,

My balm to the soul,

My walker of the talks,

My sweet little dreamer,

My fallible human,

My peace-paint dancer,

My cafe-crooner,

My pond-goo drinker,

My yoga-pants farter,

My chocomole-eater,

My humble yogi,

My puckering whistler,

My former postman,

My current soul-friend,

My veggie-chomper,

My curly-lock-cuteness,

My bike rider,

My star gazer,

My dracula-nailed-strummer,

My pop-eyed-starer,

My peacelover,

My nomadic traveler,

My messenger of love,

My holder-of-hands,

My hug-giver,

My mr-tight-pants,

My mr-trying-his-best,

My mr-growing-up-each day,

My chezck-bundle of goodness,

My mr-unsure-of-himself,

My mr-wordplay,

My emotional cushion of comfort,

My patient-generous-mature-guy,

My mr-bigger-person,

My mr-wanting-to-do-good-by-you,

My fall-back-plan-forever,

My proud gardener,

My tree planter,

My sugary sweetness,

My sulker-in-the-corner,

My sleeper-all-day,

My uber-sensitive-lad,

My generous giver of love,

My patient forgiving lover,

My bare-foot-walker,

My forever-joygiver,

My battery-recharger,

My soul-repairer,

My link in the human-chain,

My fellow in the global village,

My worshiper of the sun,

My soul-window through which happy breezes blow,

My truth seeker,

My willing-learner,

My spiritual tittilater,

My compulsive-co-thinker,

My sharer-of-joy,

My go-to-guy in times of despair,

My selfdoubting-questioner,

My student-and-teacher,

My keeper-of-company in this eternal loneliness,

My strength inspirer,

MY FOREVER-FRIEND!

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Tags:#happiness,#poems_about_friends,#mr_pink,#jase,#peace,#inspiration,#forever_friends,#thank_you,#love,#balm_on_my_soul,#poetry

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Most poems posted on this blog are typed out directly into the compose box and posted immediately.Most poems are FIRST DRAFTS and are written over minutes ,with no paper/mind- edits.Most poems are spontaneous and real.I pride myself at being able to write poems at the drop of a hat , on the spot and in a jiffy.Writing honest poems without editing them helps me to purge my feelings and emotions even more than writing prose.

If you like reading my poems,please,do email me telling me about it.If you are a book publisher, and would like to publish my poems,please email me with a valid official phone number and a feasible book proposal .Thanks!

BOSTON STRONG

This Blog article is creative property of Dr.A.R aka LecinQblog.This blog article originally was written for and is meant to appear on any one of the blogs in this list

http://www.blogger.com/profile/15524952530919224387 .If you find this blog article anywhere other than on BLOGSPOT,please visit my original blog,find my email address and email me with details of where else you read this blog entry.All my blogs are AD-free blogs AND I completely frown upon someone else trying to make money off my blogs without my prior written permission.

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Poet's note about her poem BOSTON STRONG.

I was supposed to type this poem out in april,but I kept postponing it for later.Finally, the time has come to bring out this poem,which has been floating around in my brain for months now.

This poem is a tribute to boston and all boston lovers.Boston is ONE OF MY FAVORITE cities in the world.It holds a special place in my heart and the whole boston marathon bombings totally broke my heart for a bit.But, boston is famous for it's resilience and its strength.And this poem is an ode to that spirt.

I have attempted to write each stanza of three lines each and each line with just two words.Each line has a special meaning.Anyone who is a boston native can instantly recognize the places i mention in a mere two words in each line.This is my humble gift to fellow bostonites/bostonians .Please enjoy!

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BOSTON STRONG

Boston strong,

Boston brave,

Boston beautiful.

Boston bustling,

Boston briliant,

Boston big.

Boston ancient,

Boston new,

Boston cool.

Boston T,

Boston see,

Boston me.

Boston commons,

Boston charmers,

Boston gardens.

Boston wharf,

Boston whales,

Boston sails.

Boston walk,

Boston run,

Boston marathon.

Boston beans,

Boston chowder,

Boston dough.

Boston revere,

Boston revolution,

Boston Tea.

Boston brains,

Boston hearts,

Boston souls.

Boston sox,

Boston rocks,

Boston blues.

Boston strong,

Boston brave,

Boston beautiful.

==================================================================================Tags: #boston,#boston_poetry,#poems_on_boston,#boston_strong,#love_for_a_city,#love,#I_miss_boston,#city_love

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Most poems posted on this blog are typed out directly into the compose box and posted immediately.Most poems are FIRST DRAFTS and are written over minutes ,with no paper/mind- edits.Most poems are spontaneous and real.I pride myself at being able to write poems at the drop of a hat , on the spot and in a jiffy.Writing honest poems without editing them helps me to purge my feelings and emotions even more than writing prose.

If you like reading my poems,please,do email me telling me about it.If you are a book publisher, and would like to publish my poems,please email me with a valid official phone number and a feasible book proposal .Thanks!

SHEDDING YOU LIKE OLD SKIN

This Blog article is creative property of Dr.A.R aka LecinQblog.This
blog article originally was written for and is meant to appear on any
one of the blogs in this list
http://www.blogger.com/profile/15524952530919224387 .If you find this
blog article anywhere other than on BLOGSPOT,please visit my original
blog,find my email address and email me with details of where else you
read this blog entry.All my blogs are AD-free blogs AND I completely
frown upon someone else trying to make money off my blogs without my
prior written permission.
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SHEDDING YOU LIKE OLD SKIN
I am shedding you like old skin,
Like a snake does over time,
the mighty female cobra,
dark and powerful and glistening in the sun.

She lays there on the ground,
basking her skin in the sun.
She notices her skin tatters,
too long this skin has been on her she thinks,
too many tatters on the skin.

These tatters that came,
with doing the mating dance with her male cobra!
she thinks ,
while basking there on the ground,
time to shed you mate,
time to shed you like old skin.

So ,I slither along rough surfaces,
and slowly scrape out the old tatters,
I slither and slither,
in and out of sharpnels,
and slowly the skin starts shedding,
bit by bit ,
and then finally as a whole casing.

Finally,I have shed you like old skin,
Finally,I have shed you like old skin.

I have shed you like old skin,
I have shed you out,
with your rolex watches,
and your fancy dysfunctional cars,
your desperation for money,
your confused love choices,
your sell-out personality,
I have shed them all,
I have shed you with all your flaws,
flaws that I once thought you would never develop,
but you did,
so,now,
I shed you my friend,
I shed you like old skin.

Our old mesmerizing cobra love dance is over,
The wrangling together in our majestic lengths is over,
We have done the love dance far too long,
now it is over.

So, I am shedding you like old skin,
like old snake skin.

And now when I return to our old love garden,
I can still see a casing of my old skin,
and a casing of your old skin too,
laying there in one of our old love nooks,
a saddened nostalgia that!

and so ,I am shedding you like old skin,
coz ,I have outgrown my old skin,
and you have outgrown yours too!

Poem by Dr.A.R aka lecinqblog
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Tags: #mr_U, #love,#old_love, #young_love, #special_love,
#love_with_a_soulmate,#fork_in_the_road_of_life,#childhood_love,#soul_love,#soul_replica

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Most poems posted on this blog are typed out directly into the compose
box and posted immediately.Most poems are FIRST DRAFTS and are written
over minutes ,with no paper/mind- edits.Most poems are spontaneous and
real.I pride myself at being able to write poems at the drop of a hat
, on the spot and in a jiffy.Writing honest poems without editing them
helps me to purge my feelings and emotions even more than writing
prose.
If you like reading my poems,please,do email me telling me about it.If
you are a book publisher, and would like to publish my poems,please
email me with a valid official phone number and a feasible book
proposal .Thanks!

My man of many colorful shirts

POEM by Dr.A.R .Copyright lecinqblog aka Dr.A.R

MY MAN OF MANY COLORFUL SHIRTS
The man of many colorful shirts
Striking in red,
deeply dark in black,
perfect in pink,
bright in white,
rugged in checkered ,
burning in orange,
bella in blue,
baked in brown,
pretty in printed,
blending in chocolate,
taking on turquoise,
cute in creme,
glowing in green,
bejeweled in blue on blue,
pensive in pink on white,
baritone in navy blue,
sunshine in white on pink,
cholo in the pink checkers,
yowzee in yellow,
cool in khakhis,
rugged in rose,
playful in magenta,
placid in baby pink,
royal in white on black,
energetic in aquamarine,
fresh in mauve,
moody in maroon,
neat in white on mauve!

My dear man of many shirts,
many colorful shirts you wear,
you love to dress up you say,
you look good my friend.


Every shirt you adorn,
brings out the beauty in you,
the beauty of a bright mind,
a restless soul,
a kind heart .

Even more desirable you are,
when the shirts come off,
and the muscle tone shows,
and lean body glistens,
and always in my thoughts,
is this colorful man with his colorful shirts.


Tags:Mr.T,shirts,clothing,analogies,simile_in_poetry,poetry,love,sexuality,sex,admiration,love,adornment

POSTNOTE:This poem is about mr.t,yet again,another poem.I had been
meaning to write this poem since february.Got around to doing it only
now.
The thing about mr.t is,he has a peculiarly interesting skin tone
which allows him to carry off any colored shirt he wears.Everything
looks good on him.
In one way,though my own skin tone is slightly different from his,I
manage to carry off any color too(atleast I have been often told this
by many different unbiased sources)..
So,I like the fact that i found another person,a man at that,who also
carries off any and all colors so well.This poem is an ode to his many
colorful shirts.Simplistic but ornate verbosa!
I wrote this poem in ONE GO,no edits,just like all my other poems.I
wrote this poem while looking at a slideshow of mr.t's pictures and in
each he is wearing a different colored shirt and I wrote as I saw
..:)))),just a while ago,,so...FRESH off the press.enjoy!

One day

One day
I will find my man
An equal man
An equally intelligent man
An equally good looking man
An equally multitalented man
And it is not going to be mr.r
or mr.t
or mr.U
it is going to be someone else
with whom
I won't feel like I sold out for less
I won't feel like I am settling down for less
I will feel at home
as he teases me
intellectually
emotionally
sexually
and spritually
and I would tease him back and
When we have kids together
we will praise what we find in our kids
a little bit of each other.

Monkey madness in march!

Monkey,Monkey,
Sitting on the Branch.
Monkey,Monkey,
Looking at me

Tags:nature,stories,march,monkey,journal,trees,animals,gook,four_liners

A fleeting love in february !

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Poem written by Dr.A.R aka Lecinqblog.
This is copyrighted material,
PLEASE DO NOT REPRODUCE OR USE without prior written permission from A.R
*****************
Just before I go to sleep,
Just like that,
I learn to sexually respond in my mind to a new man.
Another man,
Even older,
than the previous one,
the previous one?
I rebuked for being too old,
for me to pursue!
This new one ?
comparitively anciently older,
and yet !
The mental orgasm ;
That the old monster was able to give me,
I am able to experience it anew,
With a newer man,
A newer but more ancient man.

This february night,
in the month of valentine,
Just before I go to sleep,
For a few minutes,
I imagine myself looking into this man's deep emotionally loaded eyes,
too much emotion in him,
it is always that way as I notice,
too many times i have seem him start talking about something from the past,
Very dear to his heart,
And he almost starts to well up in tears,
I think that it is this side of his,
the childlike emotional side of an old man,
not ashamed to go there to places in his mind,
places that cause him to want to cry,
but he stops short of actually crying each time.

I think it is "pity love" yet again,
why is it always that ,with me,
pity evokes far more love in me for people,
then , then,
the "pity love" transforms into a motherly "taking in",
like you take a crying child to your bosom,
"taking in" of his soul into mine,
our souls color each other,
And soon the unconditionality of takin in someone and their soul,
allows me to sexually react to them,
but only,but only
if the time and person is appealing to me in other ways too.

So, now,
on a february night,
the month of valentine,
just before I go to sleep,
All i can think of ,
is him.

His stories,
His emotion filled stories,
His juvenile body language when he is all of 48,
His broad face,
a face that immediately reflects what he feels.

He is not afraid to show on his face exactly how he feels,
His playfulness,
how good he wears those shirts,
men who look good in dress shirts have always caught my sexual eye.no?

His skin that tans ever so easily,
making it go clayily bronze after days of sun,
strangely and newly I realize,
I am attracted to his bronze hue.

The square jaw,
The strong jaw,
the way he pops things into his mouth and
noisily bites into them,
the strong jaw.

I mutter under my breath,
The way he wields things with his left hand,
something so sexy about deft lefthanded men,no?
(of which too many are around me these days,)
(too many left handed old men around me !)

And then, for some reason,
I keep muttering under my breath,
"But he is so handsome,oh, but he is so handsome"
I repeat that over and over,
under my breath,
every single time I see him.

"aww,truly,how can he be so handsome?"
over and over,
as if in wonderment,
that I actually find him handsome.

I stare at him closer,
to find out why I find him so handsome.
I stare somemore ,
just to verify if i really find him handsome.
Am I talking myself into it?
I stare some more each time,
just to make sure this is a spontaneous thing,
this attraction i feel for a face and a person.

I suspect the attraction is for the persona,
so I squint and stare some more,
to see if he is really handsome,
or am I talking myself into this?
I mutter under my breath yet again,
"oh,but why do I find him so handsome?"

This night,
finally,
on this night of february,
the month of valentine,
it happened,
the mental orgasm.

Just as I get ready to sleep,
all tucked up in the buff ,
under my comfy blanket,
in the dark,
I look up at the ceiling and all I can utter is,
"oh, but why so much emotion..why, come here"

I am only imagining all this,
yet it feels real,
much like telepathic love,which is true,
but I seldom imagine such stuff in a sexual manner,
it has to happen spontaneously,out of the blue,
very rarely does it cross over,
from the "reaching-out" to a person ,
to,getting all sexual about it in my head.

So,in february,
the month of valentine,
As I lay down,
I ask him,in my imagination,
as I imagine, he is right there on the bed with me,
and I ask him to be over me
and then I look into his eyes,
as he is heavy on me,
"but why my dear, why so much emotion, why?"
I know I am crossing the pity-love-threshold ,when ,
I start using phrases like "come here" in scenarios.

A simple moment,
a moment in my mind,
but an orgasmic effect on my brain and body,
and then,
the sexual relief from the mind to the body,
Allows me to sleep deep that night.

The next day,
yet another day in february,
the month of valentine,
a whole day of actually saying niblets of my thoughts to him.
I do so ,
because I want to empty my thoughts of him.
I tell him things,
so that I can purge all thoughts of him.

I tell him things in succession,
all eager to empty my mind,
I tell him all this,
barely expecting him to respond,
I don't want him to respond.

I say things in quick succession
I don't want to give him time to respond,
I want to say and bolt before he can react,
I just want to empty my mind,
I want to tell him what I think of him,
then move on.

So,I tell him things,
and then run away before he can react.
I half expect him NOT to pay attention,
I fully hope he doesn't react,
I just want to say and run away,
I DON'T want us to get involved,
but yet ,I want to say my mind,
so ,I say them,like a bravado youngin.

I say and say,
then I run away,
and then,
as night arrives,
weary body lies down to sleep,
in all its nakedness under a cool blanket.

And yet another night of february,
the month of valentine,
I get ready to go to sleep,
Partly playing out all the lines I had told him that day,
well thought out honest lines,
lines that were meant to unburden my soul,
I feel bad that I feel so much for yet another OLD man.

So,before I go off to sleep,
on yet another night of february,
the month of valentine,
I mutter under my breath,
in the dark,
under the blanket,
"I MUST STAY AWAY,I MUST VOLUNTARILY withdraw from this"

This is like an ultimatum I give myself,
I make a FIRM mental note to myself,
I say this to protect myself from yet another old man,
I need a young man,
I don't need an old man,
I am too young to be with an old man.
I mutter under my breath,
"I must nip this in the bud !".

Then I mutter some more
"Stop this before it goes too far"
Then some more,
"You are the one who will lose out again"
"Don't pursue this!"
"stop!"
"stop before you pursue this!".

Then I know,
I AM DEEP INTO THIS,
emotionally and mentally,
sexually more so than anything,
but sexual is nothing but emotional and mental put together.

Even before it begins,
I know,
I must get out before it gets deeper,
any deeper.

So,this night in february,
the month of valentine,
I turn over my bed,
to lay on my side
and stare at the wall and
mutter under my breath,
"You must learn to protect yourself"
"Protect yourself BEFORE the damage happens"
"I must withdraw!"
and then I go to sleep.

The next day morning,
I am surprised to find a note from him,
shucks!
I DIDN'T want him to respond,
I didn't
oh no,
on no,
"oh my gosh, he is getting into the well too!".

The cool waters of the well,
that I inadvertantly got into,
the waters that I wanted to wade for a wee bit in,alone.
I wanted to do so alone ,
And then get out of the well,
oh no,
Why did he get into the well as well?

Severe panic,
because I was there in the well,
already swimming alone in the cool dark waters,
alone and swimming in the well I was,
singing praises of him from my soul,
and then he hears my songs.

He has sharp ears,
eager sharp ears looking to hear solemn songs,
so he notices and hears,
he peeps into the well.

What he sees is a pretty maiden,
"Strong eloquent maiden this one,swimming in a well?"he thinks.
"singing all but songs about me?" he asks,
Then, just like that,with ease,
he gets into the well too.
and then he just jumps into the well too?
oh,but why?

I dread,
because this a well,
it is cool and calm,
but yet,it is dark and deep,
and there is no going anywhere from here.

It is a well,
it is not a river or ocean,
it is a well,
quickly but surely,
one of us needs to get out.
This is what I wanted to withdraw from.

So, I swim uncomfortably while he is also in the well,
the loud free songs I was singing before,
they now trail away.

I stop short to think to myself,
"what do I do?"
"do i abruptly get out?"
"should I just swim with him here for a bit?"

But,this is a well,
this is not a river,
Rivers go to the sea,
wells go nowhere!
There is no going anywhere with this.

Then,out of an impuslive whim,
I decide,
I decide to continue,
to sing out all the songs I wrote for him,
empty my songs into the well while I am still here.

I decide I will empty myself completely,
before I get out of this well.
So,I sing yet another song,
he listens intently,
yet another song,
he listens intently some more,
We never talk,
I sing, he listens.

Then suddenly,
I feel the need to explain to him why I sing this way.
This sudden explanation causes him to react strangely!

A strange reaction that.
Maybe he didn't expect me to explain?
Maybe he didn't want me to explain?
Maybe he wanted me to just sing.

The strange reaction causes me to stop singing anymore,
I still had a few songs left in me for him.
I wanted to sing out all of them before I left,
but his strange reaction stifled my songs.

Now,there are a few songs left residually in my soul,
and I don't like that!
I don't like residues!
His strange reaction surprised me,
It opened up a self-doubtful-part of his heart to me.

Projection never appeals to me,does it?
So, I am baffled by his strange reaction.
So,suddenly,I am hurt and stifled,

I doubt,
I stop singing,
I get out of the well for a bit.
I sit at the bankment of the well,
deep in contemplation.

He is still in the water,
I wonder why.
I don't notice him much anymore,
it is getting darker,
no real saying if anyone is in the water or not.

I sit at the bankment for a bit,
then I walk around,
doing chores,
thinking and rethinking my songs.

Oh but,
maybe my songs are all stupid,
maybe I imposed myself too much,
no more songs,
no more songs.

But,I,
but, I
but,
no tears yet.

He clearly felt imposed upon,
okay,no more songs,
no more songs for him,
no more.

Yet another night in february,
the month of valentine,
I get off to a fitful sleep,
dark soul in darkness,
silence and sadness.

I wake up the next day,
I run to the well,
too dark in the dawn to see,
looks like no one is there in the water.

I decide to get once more into the water,
one last time,
to leave a parting note for him,
a tiny little lotus flower,
a goodbye present.

I leave a note, no songs this time,
just a note,
saying I won't sing any more songs,
the parting gift of a lotus.

Then I leave,
I am not sure,
I walk back in self doubt,
it was dawn in the dark,
what if he was still in the water,
wanting to swim,
swim with me.

I left in the dark of dawn,
not wanting to return to that well again,
not wanting to sing any more songs,
no more songs for him.

Burdened by some residual songs ,
that were left unsung,
I have a heavy heart.

No tears yet,
yet another february evening,
the month of valentine,
fitful sleep,
no tears yet.

I mutter under my breath,
"I should not have imposed to BOLDLY"
I mutter somemore,
"I read signals all wrong"
"I impose myself on others,"
"Me and my stupid need to sing soul songs"

Yet another february night,
the month of valentine,
I drift into extremely fitful sleep.

Next day comes,
I don't even go to the well,
Then,by afternoon,
too burdened by my unsung songs,
I go to the well.

I am taken by surprise to find something there,
to see,
another colored lotus,
waiting for me?
"He left a lotus for me?"

I see a strange shadow of a man,
over at the distant other edge of the embankment,
stretching out his hand ,
to what seems like a reflection.

He doesn't realize there is no one else inside the well,
I was not in the water,
but he thinks the reflection is me in person,
so he stretches out his hand,
to my reflection in the water.

While in that very minute,
in that very minute,
when I am admiring the lotus he left for me,
he is stretching out his hand to my reflection in the water.

He probably had been waiting for hours since dawn,
And while in the afternoon,
just as I arrive at the well,
admiring the lotus,
he had already waited for hours by then.

Just as I realize what has happened at the well,
in those few hours of my absence from it,
I am slightly reluctant to get right into the water,
but his lotus present for me,
it makes me burst into tears,
aaaah,tears,
tears finally!


And,I am still reluctant,
to get into the water,
I CAN'T join him,
This will get far too deeper for me to handle.

If we openly join hands this way ,
people will see,
I can't do this,
I can't do this with him,
the old man.

I can't get into this water,
I can't.
While I am struggling to decide,
his outstretched hand aches in anticipation.
yet,
I can't decide.

This is far too tough for me,
The decision is very dilemma-inducing,
some tears,then silence,
Mind is racing,
but he is waiting with an outsretched hand,
yet,and still!

Can't let a courageous man alone and waiting,
in the waters of the well,
The well that I beckoned him into with my songs.
yet,can't decide.

My songs were innocent and un-scheming,
I didn't expect or want him to get into the well,
but given that he is what he is,
the man who does what he feels,
he just had to jump into the well.

I am suddenly reminded of his strange reaction,
I pull back,
why did he say hurtful things?
and then.
why did he turn around and leave me a lotus?

He now swims there waiting ,
with an outstretched hand,
he has been waiting for hours now.
And,as the afternoon sun pierces the water of the well,
and heats it up,
he is waiting,
and I am sitting at the banks of the well,
clutching the lotus left for me by him.

I CAN'T DECIDE,
So, I decide to find another lotus,
to give it back to him.
I take a walk,
in search of a new lotus for him,
And in much reluctance,
when I return to the well,
HE IS GONE!

His lotus is gone too,
The lotus that I had sat there clutching for a bit,
that is gone too!

Strangely,
I am suddenly relieved,
not needing to respond anymore,
not feeling the pressure to reach out to his hand.

All i wanted was to sing songs in a well,
alone,
for a bit.

Now ,I am sitting at the bank of the well,
with a few residual songs in my soul,
burdening my soul,
him having left the well.

I can see his watery footprints walking away,
his lotus is gone too,
surely,
I can follow his watery footprints and find him?

BUT I WON'T,
I won't,
The residual songs remain unsung ,
my soul is a slightly heavy one now.

But,I am not following his footprints,
I NEED him to go ,
I don't want him to come to the well,
I WON'T come to this well,
the lotuses will be left alone.

No more songs too,
and I DON'T want an old man,
I NEED A YOUNG MAN,
I don't want an old man.

Now and again,
I have this urge to sing out his songs ,
no new songs come up in my mind,
it is only those residual songs,
that never got sung,
they want to come out sometimes.

Then,suddenly,
I remember his first initial strange reaction,
and then,
I WITHDRAW,
no more songs for us,
no more swims in the well,
no more holding hands,
no more exchanging lotuses.

I WAIT FOR the watery footprints to dry out,
leaving no trace of his path,
I have a vague idea,
of the direction of where he went,
but I WON'T GO THERE.

A fleeting love of february is better left alone!


Tags:love,Mr_T,love_songs,lotus,gifts,soul_songs,residual,unrequited,unsung_songs,well,swimming_in_a_well,reaching_out,letting_go,love_that_is_not_meant_to_be,

More of kayo than oshin

I took the time and watched 100 episodes of oshin, just to refresh a
vague childhood memory.
Not bad at all, but I just have to say that by the 100th episode I saw
myself checking to see how many episodes were left and was shocked
that there were a total of 297 episodes.. and I was like, "geezus" ..I
mean...can't go ahead watch 200 more episodes..So, gave it up for
now..Also, the lady that english subtitles the episodes does them 2 at
a time per week and I have EXHAUSTED all english subtitled
episodes..and from now in, I can watch 2 episodes per week ...The
whole series though is already uploaded in a CHINESE VERSION and if I
get desperate or bored enough, one of these days, I will watch the
rest of the 100 episodes, in a marathon fashion in chinese and be done
with it..LOL
So, yeah...I used to think that I AM OSHIN in some ways..but now,
given my adult perspective on things, I AM MORE OF A KAYO than oshin
...:))A sad but interesting revelation about myself
Tags":oshin,kayo,japan,childhood_memories,memories,tv_series

The colored memories of japan

My first exposure to japan was during my childhood when an english
dubbed version of the tv series OSHIN was telecast on our TV....that
was the MOST UNTAINTED INNOCENT BEAUTY FILLED MEMORY OF JAPAN...japan
became the land of snow,wooden slippers,sliding doors,ceramics and
what not ...to me,,it was all INNOCENCE AND HAPPINESS FILLED...
With my exposure to MR.U...who was in the japanese language learning
club during his early teens and hence , his association and love for
japan comes from that...
and sometimes in 2008/2009,,he was taking yet another trip to japan
and therefore, i was tweeting what I THOUGHT WERE PERSONAL anonymous
tweets, THE GIFTS i wanted from japan for me...I wanted tatami
mats,sushi making mats, and some ceramics...
Funnily, by 2008, all my memories japan GOT COLORED WITH MR.U

Funnily, MR.GREEN's friend, twitter searches and auto adds anyone who
tweets about japan because incidentally mr.green was living in japan
and still lives in japan and he was running a blog and was looking to
add all japan interested people to his twitter friends feed so that we
can then read his blog and he can RAISE AD REVENUE via the blog
visits..

And after making tweets about japan that were INDIRECTLY directed at
mr.u, I was surprised when some 40 YEAR OLD GUY from japan suddenly
followed me ...sure enough i checked out his twitter and then his
friends list and then proceeded to add this other guy who was a
software engineer also from japan...I added this mr.green's friend
first and then read his blog and then added this other guy who
happened to be his friend...
This guy was MR.GREEN
In an unexpected series of events thereafter, i became close to
MR.GREEN for a while and NOW ALL MY MEMORIES OF JAPAN have stopped
being colored with mr.u AND sadly ARE NOW ALL COLORED WITH THE MEMORY
ASSOCIATION OF mr.green
This saddens me very very much...
I WANT MY UNTAINTED CHILDHOOD MEMORY ASSOCIATIONS OF JAPAN BACK...
BUT IT IS JUST NOT HAPPENING..
Anything about japan , any news on tv...anything on the travel channel
and all i can think of is MR.GREEN..sadly, he is married to someone
else now :(((
TAGS:japan,memories,oshin,mr.u

Popping out child after child just to KEEP a husband from leaving

It all started over false pretences..Casually asking HIM if he wants
to come along to some CASUAL PARTY ..and that becomes one occasion
both of you are seen together...
Casually, constantly tagging along to casual lunches and dinners,
CONSTANTLY, till everyone and anyone has seen you together..
then casually introducing him to your parents..and pretending it is a
CASUAL MEETING...
easing him in "OH SO CASUALLY"
Finally, you both get tagged as BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND... HE WANTS
TO BREAK UP..
After the break up, being TOO EAGER to take him back...
I mean,There was this CASUAL DISCUSSION OF WANTING TO GET MARRIED...
And then ,
MAKING YOUR PARENTS PAY FOR THE WEDDING..
And then
HIM WANTING TO BREAK OFF THE ENGAGEMENT
, Then
Using your blog to exert INDIRECT PRESSURE....
using the fact that YOUR PARENTS HAVE ALREADY WASTED/SPENT the money
on the ARRANGMENTS..
Then ,
CASUALLY easing him in , into a marriage..
And then,
ACCIDENTALLY getting pregnant right during the HONEY MOON TRIP..when
both of you were DOCTORS and surely were in no position to PLAN A
FAMILY, given both of you were only starting residency...
YOU JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE HE won't break up or leave you that easily
again, right?
surely, BOTH OF YOU MED GRADS, knew of contraception..WHAT THE FUCK,
do you mean,the pregnacy was an accident?
I don't think it was an accident..I think it was YOUR INSECURE
DESPERATE PLOY, to keep a trophy husband,,who has tried far too many
times to leave you, the TAGGER ALONG.
Now, while you constantly mention how you could have done better had
you not had children,
sometimes , it escapes your mouth, that the only little time you have
with each other is spent , planning what to do with the kids..
THE KIDS ARE THE GLUE..the kids...that you are popping out in
succession JUST TO PROVE TO YOUR MOM that your trophy husband indeed
does love you,, why else would he impregnate you three times
already...WHAT THE FUCK..
Given the fact that the first child was such an accident, why the hell
would you then have another kid? and then another? LIKE A BABY POPPING
MACHINE..
You barely have time to take care of your first child..The ANCHOR
child that you had, just so that you make it that much more difficult
for him to leave you the next time around HE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU...
You then realize that he may not love you but he sure does love the
children...So, why not pop child after child, so that you can FEEL
SECURE IN AN ACCIDENTAL MARRIAGE that almost never happened.
You think, let me use my body as my instrument to pop up another child
that I WILL DO A FUCK JOB OF PARENTING AT ,yet, I want that child, as
a ransom trap from the father of the children
I watch and think, WHAT AN INSECURE DESPERATE WOMAN..SHE PREACHES
FEMINISM and yet, at home, she is this desperate insecure woman vying
for the attention and love of a man, whom she tricked into a marriage
and now wants to keep for ever...
Trust me, by the time your kids grow up and you can no longer pop more
children, SUDDENLY , you will be sitting in a room with a VERY
DISCONNECTED MAN..who is very resentful about the whole thing. and you
will be filled with more self loathing more insecurity, while you
costantly take digs of disapproval at your PRETTY daughter , who
strangely reminds you of your PRETTY MOTHER, who always never left an
opportunity to remind you how ugly you are and how she always wanted a
boy and not a girl.
Tags:insecurity,dysfuntional_marriages,manipulation,parenting,bad_parenting,anchor_babies,desperation

"ADAM and EVE" ,she babbles!

I just read this blog entry by her,mr.green's second wife that is !
Given that she has a  college degree(I am hoping she has one) it surprises me that she has not ENOUGH BIOLOGY background for her to already know ABOUT THE FACT that sexual identity DEVELOPS by age three.

First off this lady is the woman I personally ILL-ADVICED  mr.green to get married to
anyways, solely, based on my knowledge that he has already spent years dating and fucking her.

I felt that since he had already done so and is continuing to do so even after we found each other on a social networking site, he probably would be better off and  WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE sharing a life with someone whom he has already been sharing a life for so long.
What I am really irritated is about people who continue to fuck and live with a person and while they are doing so ,continue to shop for upgrades.The reason why you are shopping for upgrades is because SOMETHING is not working in your current relationship.And if something is not working in your current relationship ,then either discuss it with your current relationship person and make it work or break up with them.Don't continue to fuck the person you don't even love anymore,while still continue to people shop for an upgrade,is all I am saying.

Anyways,there was never going to be a time, I WOULD EVER CONSIDER A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM or ever marry him,and since he is one of those people who looks for a SURE THING,,who would be STUCK UP WITH HIM LEGALLY,I felt,I felt,a lady of her temperament is more suited to his mindset!

So,amidst all the arguments and discussion,I AM GUILTY of advicing him to go back to her and be with her and marry her.

I didn't realize that he would actually go ahead and ACT on it so quickly. Again,given that he is a very sneaky,dishonest personality,HE PROBABLY HAD BEEN PLANNING a wedding with her for MUCH LONGER than I knew he was planning one.

Anyways, Since our acquaintance was so ILL TIMED ,nothing was going to come of it anyways.And it is NOT JUST ABOUT TIMING HERE.Even if he had been single when we met,given that he is much older than I am and given his personality is VERY deceptive, and given that he is actually emotionally gay,I WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HIM ANYWAYS..


But then, we were so hooked onto each other, It would have helped ,had we experienced EACH OTHER on a more deeper intimate level for a bit  longer BEFORE LETTING GO...
And so, it feels so unrequited on BOTH SIDES...and sadly, the man went and got married to her already!!

All I am saying is,WHEN SOMETHING FEELS compulsive with someone,explore it with all honesty...And don't just make stupid decisions in haste.

Anyways, after I found out he had gotten married,I even wrote him a letter ..I told
him, and i
quote"Yes, I did push you back to her (with all our arguments and my criticisms about how he was so SHOPPING FOR UPGRADES in people and yada yada) ,yes,I myself told you to go back to her and yes, on some level, I DO think that she is better suited for you,BUT YOU SHOULD
HAVE WAITED a bit longer before getting married like that" unquote .

HERE IS THE DEAL,with what happened back then.
We were from different worlds,in terms of maturity levels,different intellectual levels,different emotional mindsets,different countries,different ethical standards,different views on alcohol and addictions and such.

A MARRIAGE WOULD NEVER work for us together..I AGREE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY..but there is this yearning and desire that got ignited somewhere along the way , amongst those
emotional long 14 hours email conversations and amongst those quick stealing of kisses over letters and amongst adjusting clocks to the timezone of the other person just to have a wee bit of conversation where our free-times coincide...
that desire is what remains UNREQUITED...
IGNITING it WAS A MISTAKE,.

So, I AM UPSET that he went ahead and married in haste,half in despair about how the "US' in the 'WE" will never materialize. (again,here,given that he is generally that poker-faced dishonest person,maybe he had been planning that wedding with her all along and meanwhile,KEPT talking this way to MANY women including me, online ,as a sexual outlet.I could be wrong about my assessment of the whole situation we had back then.Also,given that he is gay,our whole affair and his current and past marriages are all a lie,in my view)

So,yeah,in my opinion,because it all felt UNREQUITED, we just had to experience each other a little bit more...we just had to...hmmm..sigh !Why?it is better to explore and plod things that are compuslive and see ,how it pans out!

All those things we discussed we wanted to do in bed to each other,The discussions,they had such a profound impact on our heads ..both of our heads
And now,I FEAR TO IMAGINE IN DISGUST that he is  probably trying out those moves on her and making her a HAPPY, GIGGLY GAL....

Silly her, she must be surprised and gleeful about the fact that her once robotic boyfriend(fiance) in bed, is suddenly such a sensitive lover trying out so many new things in bed...

Silly her, she must even FANCY that it is her special presence which  is making her husband a hungry aggressive lover...
Silly her, little does she know that it took another woman from thousand miles away to awaken and caress his sexuality.. Ofcourse,no matter how much I or her carress his sexuality,the person he has been in love for 12 years now is a man and he will continue to be in love with him no matter who he sticks his dick into.
If ,in 5 years of fucking him in real life,she didn't have the emotional I.Q,to recognize that something doesn't fit,then maybe, SHE DESERVES to be married to a gay man.
AGain,MAYBE he already knows and DOESN'T CARE..as long as he rabbit fuck hers,be her trophy husband and does things around the house and store!

Silly her, little does she know that while she greedily laps him up in her, a little fragment of him is still remembering me and wanting me and imagining me and while he is fantasizing about me,he is actually only compensating for the attention he craves for but never gets from this man he has been in love with for 12 years now..
Gay men who pretend to be heterosexual can CREATE A BIG MESS all around for everyone involved!


So, when I finally read one of her blogs this week(I have to clarify,haven't read her blogs in a long long time..just out of fleeting curiosity, randomly picked up her latest blog to read...) ,i was like,maybe they deserve each other.

In this blog, she babbles a lot about how she thought, that sexuality and sexual desire only awakened in ADULThood JUST LIKE THE ADAM AND EVEN STORY SAYS..

First off, ADAM AND EVE story is EXTREME CHAUNVINISTIC BULLSHITE!where women are created out of male ribs..WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? women give birth to men..not the other way around.and more than anything.if all of us came from adam and eve,that means ,we are all brothers and sisters fucking each other..GROSS AND NON-SCIENTIFIC..

DISGUSTING,ILLOGICAL ,GENDER-ABUSIVE RELIGIOUS STORIES!

So,yeah,her blog entry.

She then proceeds to describe how her husband loves SNOW and so wants to go snowboarding on weekends and how SHE HATES SNOW...

I am not sure if mr.green's NEW FOUND LOVE FOR SNOW was one way of making sure he gets ALONE TIME. ..or a way to STILL ASSERT HIS INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY amidst always doing all the things she INSISTS to be done in the name of tradition and in a tone of RIGHTFUL BEGGING that many controlling insecure wives adopt to ...much like, " we must do this and this and this coz I AM YOUR WIFE AND I SAID SO"

I say,"new found love for snow" coz mr.green grew up in a country with no snow and as far as I know,HE IS NOT REALLY A NATURAL either..he just copying his gay love who happened to explore snowboarding a few years ago and as is expected,lovelorn,MR.GREEN copies his gay love in whatever he does!

She is an insecure wife whose only way of assuring herself that he cares for her is by FORCING HIM TO DO THINGS he won't do otherwise and when he does it FOR HER,that means he loves her..
LET ME BREAK IT TO YOU LADY..this monster is not capable of REAL HEALTHY LOVE..so yeah!

So, amidst, constantly getting  COUPLE massages done coz she thinks they are great for couple bonding, and going shopping with her , and then going and bowing to GODS THAT HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN, coz she babbles about TRADITION....amidst heeding to  all this controlling behavior from her,HIM INSISTING ,that he WILL HAVE TO SNOWBOARD though SHE HATES SNOW is one way of asserting to himself that he is NOT HER LEASH DOG..(sadly, he is her leash dog, in my
opinion)
IN MY OPINION,love is about FREE WILL,not controlling each other.so yeah!

So, many INSECURE women, weave a thousand webs of pretence and wear a mask of aGREEABILITY to TRAP a man..
I use the word trap coz this whole PRETENCE DURING DATING disgusts me to no end.. Why are people pretending to be someone else all through dating? is dating a GAME TO BE WON?coz,surely,pretence only leads to LOSING in the end,on an emotional level!


Anyways,
Insecure women play a thousand games to PROCURE A HUSBAND..whom they then PLAN TO HAVE AS A LEASH DOG..
I guess, these women DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HAVING A real RELATIONSHIP.. They just need a MAN AROUND THE HOUSE, to make them do the things, they don't care to do themselves?Which btw, is a whole OTHER TOPIC FOR ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY ON THIS BLOG

So, now GIVEN THE FACT that mr.green now insists on going on snowboarding trips ALONE,and given that she has ALREADY MADE IT CLEAR SHE HATES SNOW,, she can't now go back and pretend to like snow and tag along on those trips without losing EGO...

And yet, given that she is secretly insecure , she then OFCOURSE has to keep an eye on her PRIZED TROPHY HUSBAND... given that he does have so many other women who are his "friends"...
So, she INVENTS this new thing about HOW SHE LOVES HOT SPRING BATHS.... There are a lot of hot spring baths at these snowboarding places he goes! bingo!

Funnily, pretending to like hot spring baths now  allows her to tag along with him on his snowboarding trips.While he snowboards, she CAN PRETEND TO LOVE THE HOT BATH SOAKS and while she does that, around the corner of her eye, she can keep an eye on her husband too..no?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE INSECURE WOMEN DOING MARRYING MEN THAT DON'T
REALLY LOVE THEM? AND THEN SPENDING A LIFETIME, TIGHTENING THE LEASH
ON THEIR DOG HUSBANDS and constantly needing to keep an eye on them.

life is not be wasted ON PLOTTING AND PLANNING and feeling insecure and keeping an eye on and other such NON-PRODUCTIVE PURSUITS!

So, yeah...when I read this blog entry about her "love for hot spring baths"I HAD A VAGUE SENSE OF NAUSEA and unease too ..then I felt sorry for him and sorry for her too..

yeah,btw,,given that he is gay,,he probably feels more comfortable GIVING HER ORAL SEX and getting off on it,rather than have EYE-TO-EYE sex with a woman and be able to get erect...GAy men pretending to be heterosexual RELY so much on CLOSING THEIR EYES AND GIVING ORALS,while in there head they are fantasizing about things that REALLY GET THEM OFF...
Being gay is just fine,but be self accepting of that fact and stop marrying women,is all I am saying!

Given that her relationship with him is all about CONTROL too..she has to use sex to keep him stuck with her...so,ofcourse,she has to say to ORAL SEX each time he wants it...and in order to be all tip top in shape for oral sex,SOAKS IN PUBLIC HOT SPRING BATHS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA,NO?

The tangled web people weave for themselves and others in DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGES...(puke!)

which is also one reason I AM DISGUSTED BY THE PUBLIC BATH SYSTEM..God knows(i am agnostic) whose genitalia holds what STD secrets...and everyone just gets into one common FILTHY POOL OF WATER...
And the fact that MR.GREEN then licks this perineum that has soaked in such FILTHY PUBLIC BATH WATERS...I am glad I NEVER REALLY KISSED HIM IN REAL LIFE...
GEEE,DISGUSTING when you start calculating who mouth has been where!

so, anyways, coming back to the fact that she is probably a college major and thus has studied basic high school biology in the process, she should have studied enough biology to know the MILESTONES OF PSYCHOSEXUAL DEVELOPMENT(This is 12th grade biology)..The idiot
doesn't even know she is SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT...she talks as if SHE HAS
INVENTED SOMETHING NEW...

She talks about this other lady  WHO CAME TO THE BAR who talked bout how she went to these BATH SOAKS.Apparently,this other lady has a small kid....a boy..and since THE BOY is only 3 years old, the ladies figured that it WAS OKAY to take him to the LADIES bath along with them?...geezus...this is what i would call SCARRING A KID FOR LIFE!

mr.green then  proceeds to describe the child in her blog and the first thing she chooses as worth mentioning is that the kid has , " blue eyes, blonde hair" and I GET ANOTHER BOUT OF NAUSEA!
She is a south east asian with typical south east asian features and her husband,mr.green is a cuacasoid guy with white skin and grey eyes...HE IS HER TROPHY HUSBAND..
I MEAN..even in a child,if  the first thing she chooses worth mentioning is EYE COLOR AND HAIR COLOR,obviously she is one of those gaijin crazy women! she is objectifying white people !

I always get turned off by how much mr.green describes,labels and categorizes women in terms of eye color and breast size and such shit..he is a shallow mother fucking bastard..

Suddenly,I figured,,SHE IS JUST AS SHALLOW as him(the husband)..

mr.green,The husband during one of our early conversations , before he got to see my face, asked me "what is your eye color?"
I mean.i gave him an opportunity to talk to me and the very first set of questions he starts asking are about my eye color and hair color .he WASTES PRECIOUS CONVERSATION TIME asking me mundane details...but that also shows what is MORE important to him in life!
PEOPLE ARE MORE THAN just EYE COLOR AND HAIR COLOR..but for people who are so shallow,that is what matters i suppose!

Anyways,while reading her blog about this kid whom she choosing to classify and describe based on eye color and hair color,FOR A MINUTE, my nausea gave way to MOCKING LAUGTHER...I thought to myself, " THEY DESERVE each other...fucking shallow ignorant crazies..people crazy for a particular"hair color" and "eye color" as if PEOPLE ARE CATALOGUE BARBIES or cars !"

Funnily , also, I remember him, once mentioning how "green eyed caucasoid" men are HARD TO COME BY and so south east asian women would like to STAMP THEIR OWNERSHIP by forcing them to wear an engagement ring.. This he said while describing his own engagement ring.
So, essentially , HE WAS MARKETING HIMSELF as a TROPHY , to begin with?

MAYBE, both of them are RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER...They both think RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUSINESS DEALS...whatever.
So yeah,this was one big reason, I KNEW RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING that I would NEVER
WANT TO MARRY HIM ever...I mean, the "eye color"question from him, totally MADE me not
want to ever be with him ever-shallow ignorant closet gay guy!

So, yeah,let us continue with the story she describes in her blog.so yeah,THESE CRAZY LADIES have taken this 3 year old boy to a bath FULL OF NAKED SOUTH EAST ASIAN WOMEN...Now this lady then observes in the blog that the BOY WAS STARING AT THE BELLY BUTTON of the women and then concludes the blog with a statement about how  sexuality develops by that young age .. WTF!
AT this point of reading her blog, I conclude that SHE IS A CREEP TOO.
.I often, think of him as a CREEP ,and now, I know that his wife is a creep too!LOL.So, she is an equal creep..GEEZUS.
That is just a child,and it is the fucking mistake of the adult women to take him to a bath full of naked people..Taking a 3 year old boy to a bath full of naked women AMOUNTS TO SEXUAL  ABUSE...GET THAT? and then you complain that the kid is staring at BELLY-BUTTONS?
WHAT THE FUCK... This is like  child sexual abusers and pedophiles stating  that the child WANTED THE SEX WITH THEM AND GAVE THEM SIGNALS!
seriously..IDIOT DUMBCHIT...seriously!

Anyways...so yeah...end of angry rant.LOL

So, yeah...HORRIBLE IDEAS OF SEX AND SEXUALITY..and creeps everywhere..and all this disgusts me to no end
Tags:psychosexual_development,psychology,love,sexual_identity,dysfunctional_relationships,dog_on_a_leash,child_abuse,child_sexual_abuse

STRANGE FRUIT

I heard the song "strange fruit" by Billie Holiday...Apparently, it
has been written and composed by her as well.
The first time I heard it, all I was focusing on was the melody...Then
I read the comments on youtube and one white girl was apologizing and
damn..I took a look at the lyrics...geezus..the song is about LYNCHING
of blacks in the south way back..
The lyrics are strangely gentle and tough and strange all at the same
time and they do cause you goosebumps
here are the lyrics too
Strange Fruit


Southern trees bear strange fruit
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees

Pastoral scene of the gallant south
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop
Here is a strange and bitter crop

The Embrace

WARNING: SENSUAL MATERIAL/erotica
If you are below the age of 15, kindly refrain from reading further.
I wrote this in an email to someone on an emotionally charged thursday dated Feb 10,2011.
I have no idea, NO IDEA,what possessed me , TO WRITE SUCH AN INTIMATE DEEP letter to someone.Very raw,very true,very sensual.I wrote it coz i felt it.And when I feel things I HAVE THIS COMPULSION TO WRITE THEM OUT

If emails are WITNESS then yes, I did write this email to someone.
Whether that SOMEONE ever deserved even a miniscule second of my time and attention is a question that begs to be asked..but, hey!, I DOLED IT OUT , didn't I?

I wrote this poem to a man, who probably only knows how to love  his own needs .Someone who probably knows to emotionally love mmmm maybe men ? Men who left him for another country.Someone who can love  and share with any odd woman that comes his way and is a sure thing (any woman/multiple women would do,yeah? ).A man who thinks of love as some kind of obligation.Someone who thinks that love is an obligatory gesture towards someone who does something mundane for him in real life.

So, given how he is internally wired and Since I was ONLY this  nameless and faceless Internet dame,To him I was just another "entity", nothing TANGIBLE enough to amount to anything mundane and materialistic.

Either ways, I now feel that He was not worthy of this poem(though I actually  did write it to him really fully MEANING it then) because  the whole time we interacted, he was so reluctant and fearful of OWNING UP AND CELEBRATING THE "possible" love he felt for me though that very whole time  I somehow could sense that I MEANT A GREAT LOT OF A DEAL TO HIM IN A LOT OF WAYS judging from what special words(except the word love) he wrote for me .It is only later that I understand that HE JUST HAS NO VALUE FOR HIS OWN WORDS...his own words have no meaning for him.

Or maybe he never felt it(THE LOVE) because of which he never FELT OBLIGATED TO OWN IT UP
Whichever is the case, here we are at this blog entry, years down the line.

So,yeah,.PLEASE NOTE THAT THE POEM IS EXTREMELY RAW and SEXUAL(not gross or anything)..so,don't gasp at raw sentences when they come up as you read it ! K?

And also, please don't read it and THEN IF YOU ARE A CREEPY GUY, permit yourself to have amorous thoughts towards me.(please don't).

(To all the MR.U admirers who come to nose around in this blog..NO, I DIDN'T WRITE THIS POEM FOR MR.U.it was for mr.green)

Here goes the POEM,

THE EMBRACE
poem by Dr.A aka LECINQBLOG

You ask me what I would like to do to you in bed,
on the table,
in the lounge room,
outside at night ..
(The above passage, he had asked me in one of his letters to me. He asked me what I would do in each of those specific places-These sentences inside the brackets was NOT IN THE ORIGINAL EMAIL.It is to express the implied meaning)

Just minutes ago,
I saw someone that vaguely reminded me of you

And yet again,
..the bodily need,
the desires started all over again

xxxxxxxxxx(part of email omitted for the sake of poem continuity)
About the embrace

That bare breasted embrace,,
both of us shirtless,
while my breasts ;
touch your chest,
Gently,
like kisses;
and I lay my head on your shoulder.

Gentle summer evening,
Pleasant mellowing approaching night,
Twilight,
me and you in a soft gentle embrace.

I will never have you in reality,
This hurts..so much.
It hurts coz you want me so much too,
That is why it hurts all the more!
In that bare breasted embrace,
as you hold me like you would a young child,
caressing and protecting,
tightening your grip on me and loosening it,
the breeze from the balcony blows into the darkening living room,
the room that is slowly getting dark,
Yet, we haven't had the time to go switch on the lights in preparation for the night;
coz we are busy embracing each other.

On some days I want you so much.
I want your children knowing fully well  how UNFIT you are to be a father!
Yet  I want you inside of me,giving me my children from you.

UNREQUITED, UNREQUITED..everything so unrequited...

Why this obsession?
Mutual very much,this obsession.
When did we hook up like this mentally?
I want you to tell me how my breasts feel over your chest,
As they touch you I want you inside of me,
...slowly,,repeatedly..gently...like you own me..

THE PAUPERS WHO CANNOT OWN UP TO THEIR OWN UNDENIABLE LOVE FOR SOMEONE !

Why do I use the word PAUPER?
Well, When we undeniably LOVE someone, we must be in a position to
PROUDLY and PUBLICLY OWN that love and announce it from the rooftops.
Any person(male or female) who has restrictions in life, due to which
they are UNABLE to do so, are denying themselves the LUXURY of LOVING
UNHINGED..
Such people who cannot afford the luxury of unhinged love are then
rightly called PAUPERS...No amount of dollars in the bank can
compensate for this kind of PAUPER-HOOD!
When we love someone , we must also be in a position to be DESERVING
of the one we fall in love with.
And once we know we deserve them, we must also be courageous enough
to make the effort to approach that object of affection and try to
make them our own.
If the object of their affection thinks they are NOT interesting
enough, then, oftentimes, the paupers DISOWN the love they feel and
FAIL TO ACKNOWLEGDGE it exists , All out of EGO HASSLES...
BUT TRUE LOVE HAS NO EGO HASSLES ...loving unhinged is all about just
loving courageously and owning it up.
I have always referred to MR.GREEN as a PAUPER...
At one point of bitter cynicism I also called him a "beggar" in one of
my poems that I wrote in 2010.
I think HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME at all in any given
way-Intellectually,spiritually or emotionally or ethically or
creatively ..Hence the term "pauper" for him.(I remember writing
something along similar lines in an email to him way back)
..I knew right from the beginning that he just was not good enough for me ..
The saddest part is, I myself have/had undeniable feelings for the
pauper.Feelings which are very conflicted and "contrasting" on
different occasions.
And to top it up , I was(/am) constantly ASHAMED that here I was(am?)
the smart, beautiful ,tough ,special, talented woman and here I was
WANTING a man , who clearly was undeserving of me in any given
way.Yet, I know FOR SURE that the WANT won't go away.I want him.
The saddest part of the whole thing is, WHILE I POINT FINGERS AT HIM,
calling him the pauper, The fact that I developed feelings for someone
who I THINK/THOUGHT is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME...makes me a pauper too.
On so many days I wish
I WISH ,HAD HE BEEN
I WISH that
Had he been a lil younger,
had he been a little more creative,
had he been a little more ethical,
had he been a little less twisted,
had he been a little less selfish,
had he been a little less of a drunkard,
had been a little less gay,
Had he been a little less married,
Had he been a little less materialistic,
had he been a little less of this and that
and had he been a little more of this and that,
I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH HIM...
The saddest part is .
HE IS NOT ANY one THING I desire or want in a man..
YET, HE WITH HIS TWISTED SELFISH IMMATURE LOVE attracted me in some way.
I felt A very strong attraction for a very undeserving man.
HE SCORED things he DIDN'T DESERVE...I hate him for that.I hate him
for getting successful at making me WANT HIM the way he wanted me.(on
some days I question if he even really wanted me or was it a ruse or
trial to cover up his real want for this other man who left him for
another country)
I ,HONESTLY, WITH MY CONSCIOUS MIND, don't want him.
BUT YET,I want him ...that makes me AS MUCH A PAUPER AS I CALL HIM A PAUPER.No?
Tags:pauper,conflicted,beggar,ashamed,had_he_been

How real is real?

How real is real?

Really

If this is what you call real, when the real is marred by a lot of clandestine happenings behind curtains that never get opened..then yeah , real , is not so real at all
ON an other note..i was so warmed up in the soul when i read that they classified him as a rock blues musician..sweet....
hmmmmmm...anyways...If i can hire somebody to meticulously watermark all my photographs and upload one each for each of my blog entries..i could so very well be able to share so much visual joy and peace with my readers..alas..that has to wait..hmmmmm
Again while I talk..let me go on yet another tangent and then about the pics of this other person..i see him in different poses...and then..suddenly I am like,"not so attractive after all..what the fuck was it that I kept reliving in my head that was so incredibly sexy..oh..so it is my mind..my mind thoughts that created the sexy that really actually doesn't prolly exist" hmmmm..I sat there and mused re-looking at the pics...hmmmmm
Again...going on another tangent..I went back and read something else that this other kid wrote some months ago..something about definition of deep love..hmmmmm...okay..anyways...
Again..now that I am rambling on my poetry and prose blog instead of my RAMBLE BLOG(another blog of mine)
Just as I type this..I am multitasking and watching an interview of a famous cardiac surgeon...talking about the times when the PYRAMID SYSTEM was still in place in the SURGICAL RESIDENCIES BACK THEN(thank whoever,they don't do that anymore)..He finished his training around exactly the year I was born..Interesting...wow...SMILING NOW..
I am such a multitasker..I fancy myself saying..at how productive multitasking is..but IS IT?
Btw..this other kid..he stopped blogging where he used to usually blog..hmmmmmmmm.
speaking of which..I think I must go ramble at the ramble blog rather than at this blog..feels too inappropriate and misfitting in this blog..going there now.

Chalk and sandpaper

I am chalk
you are sandpaper
our intereactions are like sandpaper rubbing against chalk
The more the interactions happen
the more the chalk rubs on to the sandpaper
the sandpaper gains more chalk
the chalk loses herself
if the interaction continues more and more
at the end of it
there would be no chalk
it would be all gone into dust
all rubbed on to the sandpaper
finally there will be no chalk exisiting
there will only be a loaded sandpaper that gained a lot
and an empty non existent chalk that lost it all

The sparrow with the broken wings

The sparrow with the broken wings
it is too weak
too sad
too dead
too scared
to much in pain
the gates of the cage are open
the sparrow wants to fly away
but it can't
too weak to even move around in the cage
waiting for someone to feed her
mend her broken wings
make her stronger
till finally
she can muster up some courage
to walk to the gate of the cage
then fly away..far far away

CREATION-Movie review

There was a time when people would eageraly wait for my elaborately written movie reviews with my meticulously explained story line,
my spin off interpretations there of,
my review of the lighting and cinematography,
dialogue,
subject matter of the movie per say, and what not.

I would also include transcripts that I would instinctively jot down while watching the movie
People would often wait for my reviews coz it made them see the movie in a new light.
sigh
that was way back in 2005

Time has moved on ..
I have not stopped watching movies.I am watching movies with as much frequency as before..Only,,at one point, I figured that my personal reviews were getting stolen by lazy reviewers who really had no talent to write about a movie like I did..

My blogs have always  been ad free  because I really wanted to focus on my ideas and fretting about ADS  and AD revenue really doesn't help your writing ideas with all honesty!
 these plagiarists were stealing my stuff and posting it on their websites and earned money out of it.
I am like,I am the SMART ONE WITH THE WRITING TALENT..and I am sure I WOULD MAKE MONEY out of my writing if i wished.
when i choose not to make money out of my own talent,WHY ARE YOU BEING THE PIMP trying to use my talent to make money for yourself without my permission?

Ever since this disappointing development, I had stopped writing reviews and soon the lagiarists went off  in search of some other original writers to steal from..
Atleast ,I dont' feel robbed of the credit these days,when I DON'T PUT OUT CREATIVE cONTENT for pimps to steal and hijack.

But then,this movie SERIOUSLY NEEDED SOMEONE TO POST A REVIEW ABOUT IT.

So yeah..This movie..I saw it yesterday for the first time..
I caught only the last half of the movie.There are only two halves,I know I know..the first half and the last half..LOL.(HUMOR!)
I then managed to watch the whole movie in retelecast today..


 CREATION  is a BBC films production..and it is about CHARLES DARWIN.

If You don't know who charles darwin is..hmmm...Well,,,he is the guy that proposed the theory that all species evolved from some basic primitive animals...SMART MAN THIS MAN

Apparently,The Uk govt has him on the back of their 10 pound bill , along with the ship H.S.Beagle ,THE SHIP that he went on a voyage of 5 years on...and during that voyage he wrote the book, ORIGIN OF SPECIES.

In today's day and age, when all of us automatically understand about evolution and don't actually believe that God created all species in a week ( Maybe some bible thumpers still believe this) --but mostly, all of us understand about biology today, much more than they all did in 1830s or earlier!!

So,at that point of time in the 1830s,to spend a lifetime studying phenomenon after phenomenon and making highly original  observations which finally shattered the myth of ORIGIN OF SPECIES..is the greatest achievement of all ,in my opinion!That is what SCIENTISTS DO..they spend lifetimes inventing and discovering things,making humanity more enlightened with the power of knowledge!

let us get back to this movie though.

THE MOVIE IS DEPRESSING ON SOME LEVEL..coz the whole movie chose to focus more on how Charles missed his daughter Anne a lot ,after she died at the age of ten and how he suffered from this vague "illness" himself .
I would have appreciated more had they chosen to go into MORE DETAIL of all his scientific work rather than focusing so much on Anne and such.

seriously,the movie and its focus on anne and his water bath treatment kinda tired off my mind.

But then again,the movie piqued my interest to go LOOK UP charles darwin on the net,so maybe,it did serve it's purpose
After watching the movie,I went and looked up Charles darwin on Wikipedia and WAS MPRESSED ALL OVER again BY HIS AMAZINGLY VAST BODY OF WORK..
no seriously..vast vast vast and very very impressive.
I am a doctor and a science lover and SCIENCE and scientific journals totally buzz up my mind in happy inspiration!

during my premed...We had a whole chapter in Zoology -biology about Charles Darwin and Babbage and wallace and all the others whose names figured in the movie and it thrilled me with childish glee as I watched the movie and heard those names and recalled suddenly my PREMED years where i read about all of them...

awww.

So yeah..movie?watchable...makes you develop a scientific temper and again also , if you are one of those smart original scientific thinkers who has to  live amongst minions who are most busy calling SMART AND ORIGINAL INDIVIDUALS, weird coz you are not "NORMAL"..,this movie will make you feel better ABOUT THAT PREDICAMENT of living amongst minions!

When you watch this movie and other such movies,you can gain some solace.

watching movies based on Darwin or Leonardo Da vinci or plato or for that matter anyone else from the past who has ever managed to do anything important in science or art allows you to understand that  they were all branded as  "weirdos" of their times being punished by the "normal" minions around them..

So yeah..just when I was lamenting at the new loudmouthed dumb woman who has moved into our apartment building and  just when for one moment I dreaded that It might be very difficult for me If i have  to interact with dumb shit lady on a daily basis.,I HAPPENED to watch this movie and then I felt  less alone and less sad!

Smart peeps are always going to be the "weirdos" of their time..and after they die...still 150 years later..MOVIES ARE MADE ON THEM..

So,dear fellow smart "weirdos",we the smart people will have the last laugh..

I AM GLAD NOT TO "COMFORM"...coz i am too smart to be able to "conform"..
so,after I watched this movie,I literally truly understand how he must have felt in a world full of dumb idiots.

Letting the doves fly away one by one

Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

I am letting them fly away,
The doves that i had carefully locked up
in the prison of my heart
the doves they caused me pain
while they flapped their wings
locked inside the prison of my mind

I needed to
to let my mind
let go off the pain
The doves are nothing but
painful memories
ghots from the past
impulsive mistakes
greusome awareness of being violated
The doves with their flapping wings
They wanted to go out of the prison
and relieve me of the burden

But I held on
afraid everyone would see
as drones of doves fly out of my window
I held on
till one day
I was suffocated
with the memory of it all

Beggars on the street
slyly watching to see
If I ever open my window
I stood there behind the window
the closed window of my palace
feeling afraid to let the sunshine in
desperately wanting to breathe fresh air

I wanted you to go away,
and never come back
yet, you came by my street
every now and then
in clever disguises
thinking you could check on me
creepily keeping tabs
 me ,
whom you humiliated once upon a time,
for fear ,lest the thief of your own heart  be exposed,
you abadoned me.

So, I kept my window closed,
of fear to come across you and
the scortching heat of memories
flooding through those windows,
paining my eyes.
that are by now used to darkeness
but today,
I let the doves out,
all of them,
I drove them out
i dusted my palace,
I let sunshine in again
I don't care if you stand there in my streetcorner
like a beggar
like a spy
I don't care
I never look down at the streetcorner these days
I just look up as all the doves are flying away
into the horizon
And I suddenly notice
the sun at the horizon and the skies
and for a moment
i forget about the beggar at the streetcorner