Impulse control:Exercise:Verdict

not compatible, no matter how intense it gets from time to time..
We live in the real world, so coutnries, work ,careers, outside factors matter
They will affect us.
one of us will feel displaced forever depending on what we decide.
not fair on anyone.. coz love wears off and reality sets in and then one of us will feel like they gave in too much
sigh..
btw,,unless they address something directly to me.. very clearly and with respect, this will never go out of TIME OUT,,DECISION ,,,

Impulse control:Exercise: glad i controlled till the real deal started

glad, coz now i realize that the honeymoon period of this relationship has long been over..it is gone, it is over..this is not right for me..and for them..hence the frequent nastiness.
so, glad i didn't impulsively run into their arms while i read those intense rosy stuff!
yaya..waiting and analyzing and paying attention is good for me..i need to not be in denial..i need to open my eyes , read everything..see , take my time and decide..no need to be in denial.. yes i messed up..but had i knowledge of the her i wouldn't have initiated it no matter how much of pressure from the other person..i have always had people around me ready to drop their others in the hope of ending up with me..I am ethical, i don't do that..coz no one deserves to be kicked off for someone else.. that is why. i don't like to be part of any abuse, that is why. either ways!

Impulse control:Exercise: Now i know why i cried so many times on time out

Intense intense intense interactions, so many , so long, so deep, so loving..so unmistakably real
No wonder the withdrawal is so difficult
but see, bad things have happened after those intense moments, so would be a very nice thing to wait and read up everything before i decide.i have a lot of stuff to read.this might take days of non stop reading.shite!

Impulse control:exercise:revelations, trying hard not to run back to them

I am midway in reading all the correspondence..and all those close intense moments we have had..shit man..they were true..obviously true..but the situation they were in when they did this and probably what they did even after those intense conversation totally baffles and degrades me in some way. that is what baffles me as to how can a person with such intense feelings for me just turn around the next day and not feel anything or think of me in a bad light? I am baffled
but , yes, not a good idea for me to run back at all. I need to read the whole correspondence even if it now takes me days, then I will finally decide.

because, running back impulsively after remember the tender moments and then complicating the situation further is what i did ! i should not have run back so many times like that..coz then I would not question their love or dedication..
Now, I am completely going to wait for the time out to happen and then if nothing happens from their side..fin.
I know there were tender moments. but well, they were and many ugly moments have happened since.the relationship has already reached a stage of deliberately fucking up each other's moods..so there ya go . wahtever..it is never going to go back to this stage of great respect he had for me ,,coz now he knows that he can get my love a lot less coz it is out of my control..
you know what that is called, it is called fucking up someone coz they have unconditional feelings for you and viewing my love for them as my weakpoint.. hmmmm. sighs.

Impulse control:exercise: they are better off and enjoying without me

yes they
And when compounded by sentences that you recall that say, "it was never as serious as you think, "
" sometimes I imagine you, sometimes imagine other people"
"she just tells me not to reveal personal info, so it is all okay" (as if i am this tool to be used with no opinion or choice on the issue-as if the two opinions that matter is his and hers and then i am this fu&^bg entertainment doll!

And then now you find out that during each time out they go back to life like before, like normal and they are fine with it..
well, whatever those moments were, though they were special..this is not special.especially when i end up unproductive and unhappy because of each interaction and each revelation, they gain immense positivity from me and get better in life and then when there is TIME OUT they go back to their old life and it is all great..!
fantastic.Can i go find people who are like me? can I go by my book and try meet people who give me positivity back when i give them positivity?
I need to give myself that chance before it is too late and i have yet again spent another productive decade wasted.

Impulse control:Exercise:greater understanding,acceptance

okay, okay, there is something here.
There is intensity.it is inexplainable coz this connection defies all my rules of what makes me connect to a person
I have a certain set of characteristics that i know that if a person possess i will be happy to interact with them or be happy with them
This person doesn't have any of them..so yet i am attracted to them and want to interact and talk to them
I accept that.
BUT
like my rule, I NOT HAPPY..
I am addicted in some way..but IT IS NOT A HAPPY ONE ..but yet, it is intense.. very sexual(undeniably-though no sex yet--but sexual tension is immense.. )
but I AM VERY VERY UNHAPPY, i LOSE MY CONCENTRATION..I LOSE MY ROUTINE..BUT YET IT IS INTENSE
what is important is.. i need TIME OUT coz each time I interact or connect, i get unhappy and unproductive after.
this never happens when i interact with people who have the set of characteristics that i consciously know i like and am happy with.
So, well, I don't know what this is..maybe just some mental disorder of mine.where i want to still self torture or maybe i percieve they want me so much and thus use these conversations as an EGO BOOST mechanism
sometimes i suspect  he is doing that too.. like he knows i am veyr talented and very pretty and very nice and he just is using this as an ego boosting technique to tell himself that he is worth -as a pacification mechanism for a midlife crisis..hmmmmmm
So if both of us are ego boosting and not actually happy..We do need a TIME OUT.. a permanent one.

Impulse control:Exercise:This cannot be a blame game.learn the truth

See, this is not a game about who did what , when and how.
What is most important now is, WHAT IS THE PRESENT SITUATION?
Now  I KNOW SOME FACTS.now I know the situation as is, ..Now am i happy with it? Do I want it the way it is now? Is it working for me? yes or no?
you dont' feel you get the attention you need at the right moment you need it?
You feel you are being manipulated?
you feel it is always stressfull?
no matter what the cause of all the above is..there is something just not working out.
There ya go..
TIME OUT
it takes two to tango..so , no matter how much the sexuality works..other things need to work too. if they don't, there is going to be negavity.NO one wants a rollercoaster..we want stability.
TIME OUT is good..A permanent one is good.. coz unless you close one chapter fully, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to open another one.. ya know.

Impulse control:Exercise:Analysis,self blame

Actually ,
Memory can be defective, unless we have a record of the sequence of events , the timeline and chronology of thoughts, conversations,events and such.
Who said what and when and in response to what is very important in determining , who is at fault, if at all anyone is at fault at all.
Everybody starts finding fault only when something doesn't work out.-Be it at the workplace, or friendship or family or love etc etc
When things work out ,everyone runs to take credit for whatever happened.
Anyways, it is good we are in a digital age..Everything is recording for posterity,for most part, except ofcourse the feelings and the heart flutters and the stomach churnings and the Arrythmias.unless, both of you or all parties involved have taken the time to journal about these as well
I did some reading up and ya know what..it wasn't onesided  at all..It was as much me at fault in inciting this on some level..though my inciting for in a healthy direction.. their inciting was to drag this whole thing and give it an unhealthy turn

hmmm..Atleast now that i know that i was equally inciting this, I feel less targeted and manipulated..ya know.. I don't feel like that hapless person who was targeted schematically.
That is is a consolation..but having said that.. again, this makes me want to run back and forget about the Time out
But again, i have felt exactly the same want of interaction even without the time out..So actually i wasn't getting what i wanted even when there was no time out..So why not really have a Time out and try to see what really happens on a real time.
But having said that.. withholding certain vital details till someone put a gun to your head and asks a very specific question is almost akin to deliberately lying and getting away with it.
I incited a conversation which revealed details that would have never come out otherwise voluntarily from their side..So ya know what, they either never took this serisously enough at all to feel the need to tell the truth or deliberately didn't want to tell the details so that they can get more interactions..but is that not MISREPRESENTATION?
it is..so, THEY ARE TO BLAME
infact, thinking of it..good that i am reading the whole thing chronologically now , like a story.. coz , I don't think I would have incited anything had that info been given to me much earlier
So i was inciting without knowledge of a particular situation and they were inciting back with full knowledge of that piece of info..
SO I AM NOT AT FAULT AT ALL. that is exactly why i feel wronged.
So, no self blame required at all.
So, maybe A PERMANENT TIME OUT IS IN ORDER..
Coz this thing started on lies from their side..withholding truth is a lie too.

Impulse control:Exercise:Tug of war

okay.
okay
Again,tug of war
The pull of those attachments
I remember those intense connections.Those episodes of intense emotional entanglements,those moments of undeniable amalgamations..yes,
They happened..even if only in both of our minds at the same time
This is tougher
Coz, this want to belong and to possess ...this want supersedes intelligence sometimes
And I want it all over
But this won't work..
Because the unpleasant moments supersede the very very very intense connections.
The intense moments are outnumbered by the not so intense, sometimes very mundance ugly moments..
So, yeah,TIME OUT very necessary
I need a F&*Ng time out.
I know..again, want to give up everything and F&*k the time out and then..It will suck all over again
Better suck WITH A timeout, rather than WITHOUT a timeout!

Impulse control:Exercise:reaping results of Impulse control

Finally, RELIEF
Feeling much better again,
Finally feel free in the mind
And now the positivity comes back
The positivity that i so cherish,
the positivity that i so exude comes back to me.

I am able to do a lot of stuff again,
sing, guitar,blog,interact.
All without the iron negative grip that was on my mind..
The bad influence,
The pain,
The imperceptible disrespect that i kept perceiving,
the feeling of having been wronged is gone...
I feel better..
I am glad I took this TIME OUT..
This time it is a real time out.. like, "shut down anything that reminds of that time" kinda TIMEOUT ..so,,good!!
LESSON? Stop continuing to give positivity to people who not only lap up all the precious positivity you give them but also pretend as if it is  nothing ;when they clearly know how valuable it is.Pretending that way, is a deliberate way to degrade someone else because ,you fear they will leave you ,if you show how valuable they are to you..
To me, for most part in my life, I know I am talented and a valued addition to anyone's life. I deliberate nurture positivity in myself and i deliberately dole it out to others. I believe that the world runs of positivity, that's why.
I will surround myself with people who have value for my positivity and will take the time to clearly and verbally appreciate.I hate people who say something different from what they actually think or want.I see that as a very dishonest and manipulative personality.
I clearly thank other people when they give me something valuable-be it time or friendship or care etc.I expect the same back from them.
I hate people who play games.I am a stright-forward person and I DON'T LIKE GAMES.I don't have time for petty, pathetic games in life.There is so much in life to achieve than to emotionally manipulate everyone around coz you are F*&&ed up in your head.Go sort things in your own head first..then come back to me..when you are a better person.
Such people are insecure and better off with other fellow insecure people and then they can both wallow in their combined insecurity.I just hope such couples don't produce any children while wallowing in the insecurity though, coz the children suffer.geez!
I feel so much better that my positivity has come back to me..I hope this lasts.

My best friend talks about dreams

I have a good friend.we have been friends since 2004.That is like 5 years..yeah? good
We are these friends who will go months without even saying a Hi or dropping a mail, but one day suddenly when we talk,We talk as if we just talked yesterday.
There is no uneasiness to it.We take off from where we left.
To achieve that comfort level where there is no animosity in conversation when you talk after a long time, you need a certain compatibility and a certain overlap of mental wavelengths.
We do have the comfort level, I think.

And this friend, let us call him 'kim', he is the same age as me..One thing that we have in common is this liking for cooking and arts.. We have artistic brains..yet we are professionals.He is a computer professional and I am a physician.. But we seldom talk about work, we talk about lives, philosophy ,arts etc etc.

He thinks he is this bohemian trying to make a living out of art while he could have very easily made tons of money being the computer geek that he is.We all have that calling,Ya know.
So, yes, as we keep talking, we reach a point, where he starts saying the most profoundest things..
Very well thought out , and they come out of his mouth just like that!
I make a mental note of those pearls of wisdom to recall later, coz , he himself forget his own words.
On some days when I say, " Do you remember you said this" and he goes, "Really?Did I say such smart stuff?"
So , very recently we talked and he talked about dreams. I am sure he will soon forget his own profound words.I figured, Why not just make a record of his words?So that, later,I can quote his own words to him.
Here goes,

KIM talks about DREAMS
-----------
QUOTE:
A person who's capable of dreaming has a mind so vast that there is not enough time in one life to cover that ocean.
Some dreams are sensible...but they take generations to come true.
A dream that is a legacy that gets built little by little each generation.
Like the bridge to races and the ending of slavery. Those are all dreams many people had which took decades and centuries to finally happen.
 UNQUOTE
----------------------------------
I have such nice friends.Nice!!!

Impulse control:Exercise-Dealing with panic and withdrawal

Had a very severe bout of withdrawal..I so wanted to just drop the resolve and just start sending all the emails I have been saving as drafts.
I cried too coz it was too much to not do it.
It was too much,the energy of passion, emotional attachment, fear of loss,not giving yourself the interaction that obviously touched your soul in some intense way.
I cried loudly.Then,well,I did something else(indescribable right now for this blog entry) and then,cried some more..
The moment passed.No emails were sent.
But I have to do this..Coz i have had similar moments even when i had no TIME OUT .I mean, crying on a Time out because you miss them is one thing, Crying without a time out coz the other person wants to see how important they are to you by making you cry by withholding attention is another thing.
The crying without a time out was when there was deliberate withholding from the other side.Doing that is called trying to see how much you matter to the other person and that is cruel and then you understand that withdrawal was a better idea.Insecure idiots resort to such unhealthy patterns of trying to understand how important to the other. Healthy people just ask you, "how important am I to you? coz you are very important to me" Then i would probably say,"yes you are very important enough for me to have delayed submitting my work project coz i needed to spend time interacting with you"
But no, you choose to use unhealthy means.whatever!
So, I decided on a TIME OUT for the reason that, "Why not cry alone without giving the satisfaction of ego boosting to someone else who deliberately withholds communication as a way of getting back at you or as a way to pacify insecurity to see how much you will try and try and make them finally communicate"
So, yeah..I cried.This crying  is not  some silly ass romantic pining.This is some neurotransmitters going haywire.
Ideally,there was no need to cry.Yes,you miss them,they f*&^ng miss you too.But this is a TIME OUT..to see how it works without each other.. so why cry? seriously!! Geez...both parties sitting and crying in their respective apartments coz they miss the other one badly but still want a TIME OUT is like , I don't know, PATHETIC!
Why did i cry though?
But,see,the crying, it was so out of  my control.The pain, it was meaningless, reasonless too.But i cried,very loudly.So, there ya go.
Yes, Impulse control was a success..No emails were sent..they are still sitting in drafts.
I need to do this.I need to find out what this really is,coz it never worked and I DO need a time out.
Coz, it never really worked.
It started off all wrong,It went on all wrong.
It never was right.
So, I need this TIME OUT to find out how wrong it is,before it gets any more wrong and more mistakes get compounded.
so well!
I need this 10 days TIME OUT HAPPEN..10 days..yes, I need these 10 days. I better give myself a complete 10 days time out.I owe it to myself.

The Aussie men take me to La-La land

Ya know what the funny part is..?
I recently discovered that i get turned on by other aussie men too
..who incidentally also have the same style of speaking and coming on
STRONG...
So i guess..it was just an aussie man trait and i took it as some
special trait of yours..
I am ashamed to say that i actually went to the extent of imagining
things with him on the first day we got to talk too.and he came on
pretty strong on the first conversation too..
Actually,, with you  It took me so long to start responding to your
advances..but with him..the first email exchange and then it was all
LA LA LAND..totally..Just had to confess.:((

That is when i started questioning the whole thing from my
side...maybe i was just plain horny when we did it ...
or maybe..back then during those DMs..you were just plain horny..ya know..

So, at this point..I am pretty confused and so, unless you tell me
.what it was that you were trying to accomplish back then.. was it
just lust? Do all aussie men do that?
Do you usually keep talking sex laced talk while you are being
friends..is that an aussie cultural pattern too?ya know..be slightly
all sexual while talking to women friends?
Coz this other aussie man did that to me and i kinda got turned on the
same way i got turned on with you.So maybe, i was just plain
horny..maybe there was no love..
VERY CONFUSED...
please help me understand this.. :(((

Impulse control:exercise:Let the moment pass

I had a mini crisis.I was this close to say " f%ck this, lemme go send that draft email" "what if this what if that"
Then i waited.
Then i cried
Didn't know I would cry this way..but I cried
Then i sat there
Then i thought
"What if ....."
Well , then don't I want to see , what if? Don't I want to really give this the test of time?
Ya know.I do need to know if this will survive the test of time..yeah?
Do i secretly fear that it won't stand the test of time? I think I do
Then well, this is the time to test to see if my fears are real
If my fears come true during this 10 day break then the break was better now than later
If my fears don't come true, a 10 day break was worth it.
So, well, a lot of TV, music and food and some more crying later
The moment has passed
And now I think that the crying was unnecessary.
no seriously,,,why exactly did i cry?
So, yeah..one rule for impulse control is "let the moment pass'
But one other advice is,, in other things in life...other than impulse control, 'SEIZE THE MOMENT, DON'T LET IT PASS"

Impulse control-experiment-Extreme pining!

seriously..erratic heart beat
extreme pining
Missing you so much
This sucks
I am trying real hard ..I just want to go ahead and break the time out..Just want to tell you how much I miss you
But my heart aches right now..it is just not right..Then I  go see the group pictures ..not just of yours .but of  smiling faces beside you. that reminds me..
Impulse is going to get us nowhere.nowhere.

Now I will never know

I should have never ever sent them over to them..Just like I usually never do..
Coz, now, I will never know , what they actually wanted. If at all they wanted anything.
Speaking of which, it disappoints me that any lesser person satisfies them as much or more.So, that is what they will get now. An average Broad( I don't use this word usually coz i find it derogatory to women's anatomy in general, but I use this literally now.. A broad hip)
I am an overkill in most cases..It is like they are happy with freshness factor 10,I go give them a freshness factor million..who needs a million when ten will do? yeah..sure ..
Now I am smiling as I type this..Knowledge does that to you..It makes you smile

Suckers for misery

Some people are suckers for misery
They know everything,,
the lies,
the manipulation..
everything..
they know what is wrong.
.they know it is all wrong.
.but yet, they want the misery..
They are a sucker for misery..
Ask for it , lady..Ask to be messed up..sure!

Impulse control -day one ! I am not significant

It was very very very very very tough for me..to stop myself from doing something impulsively

Anyways,
I lay there on my bed..eyes open and after calming down much  I realized the following,

" It is not due to you at all..You really didn't have anything to do with what they were already feeling .Their  feelings, they were due to changes that happened completely unconnected to you..It was unconnected to you..It might look like it is connected to you,but NO.They might make it look like it is connected to you , especially if they suspect that by pretending that way they can score with you.But the truth is, you don't figure here anywhere ..You were not responsible for any decisions they took..because you were not responsible for the situations and the feelings that happened to them.

They are in a special situation where a whole set of planned sure things in their life were taken away.They got miserable due to those changes unconnected to you.And then they made decisions because of that..and because they made those decisions they had to further give up other people that they had to get rid of ..because of the decisions they made..So, it has got nothing to do with you at all..ABSOLUTELY NOTHING..

I am just a small part,,figuring in the fringes...some tiny lil incentive that happened accidentally..that is it..
The decisions are because of that sadness and the further decisions to get rid of other people is for the convenience that comes with getting rid of them--allowing scope for more flexible decisions..It has got nothing to do with you at all." 

So,for me,the first day of impulse control has given me something>>>CLARITY..
Yes..I am not significant enough to have prompted them to make any decisions at all..But coz they figured that they might get some if they said so and made it seem so to me,TAKE ME ON A GUILT TRIP,now that they are doing it anyways for their own other reasons, they said so or made it look so..
But in reality ,the sadness and pining and confusion is for someone else.. that old friend who walked off to distant lands...that is all there is to this..
I AM NOT SIGNIFICANT. I NEVER WILL BE AND I NEVER WANT TO BE EITHER. END OF STORY.
CLARITY

Vital sentences that i need to constantly remember for my own sake!

XYZ:"The first thing that came to mind when i saw those pics was &^%*($#)*&^"
Me thinks:Sighs and shudders,heart shrinks and breaks into tiny lil pieces in utter hearache

XYZ:" If my situation had been any different, I would still look for others"
Me think: Good,that clarifies a lot of things in my head.Thanks for atleast opening your mouth and telling me.Blesses her own stars for having asked this question

XYZ:"It was never as serious as you imagined"
Me thinks: Oh...oh...okay..okay...still pondering

These sentences pretty much clarify everything for me..besides ofcourse tons of other not so flattering responses that you don't try giving to  a very educated very smart very talented and a very kind woman..You don't go compare her with uneducated-piece of shit-women who have no of education and who make money parading underwear on the ramp..There is a lot of difference between a highly educated woman who is also very artistically inclined and some silly ass uneducated  idiot who walks  on  the ramp and does nothing other  than be eyecandy.If a person doesn't understand the difference, that says a lot about them. about what they want and about what they feel comfortable with..

Degradation with a single word

DEGRADATION WITH A SINGLE WORD
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.Please do not use or reproduce without prior written permission
Degradation with a single word
That single word,
It shattered every and any bit of respect,
You ever had for me,
Opened up windows to allow me to think;
About how you think.

That word,
Degraded me to no end.
Did I need to expose myself to that degrading word?
Probably yes?
by the very fact that I took you in,
became your friend,
I deserved a taste of the real you;
So, yes, i deserved it like that.

Your perceptions are very important too;
Why?
They have repercussions,that's why!

All the time I kept giving,
you kept viewing me distorted,
It takes away from everything.

The love you ever had for me,
The respect you ever had for me,
The friendship that ever was,
The comfort level that came easy initially,
That single word?
It takes everything away.

What remains,
Standing alone,
start naked,
Is the ugly truth.

The truth of degradation,
A slap in the face of kindness.
But it never seemed like kindness to you;
in all your twisted thought processes.

Like a blind person,
Who cannot appreciate my painting,
Because he cannot see;
That is you!

I walk away,
shaking in horror,
did I need to take that word of degradation?
And swallow it and still try a consensus?
NO.
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

Impulse control

I need some impulse control
Please, please,please,please,please,please,deep breath...don't,,don't do it..don't don't don't don't don't do it.
Better painful now than very very very painful later., better painful now than later.. coz the pain multiplies
Shut the F(*K up..and stop with the impulsive behavior..please please please..Can someone please stop me..This thing is so out of control!

Speaking of Impulse control, I suddenly remember about some conditions with poor impulse control..Shudders!
I have started to diagnose myself with the nasty things some very ill-informed (but endearing) person diagnosed me with.yay..geee, I am so flattered.My fault though..totally! You don't go out and do such things for people..at all!

Speaking of unflattering diagnoses,,all the more necessary to demonstrate some impulse control..For all you know,this is too true only for you..only in your mind..Maybe it is unreal/forgettable for everyone else.ya know..
Girl..where is the impulse control? Is it so tough?huh? Impulse control..go play some guitar.go .

Missing the kisses

Missing the Kisses
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission
Missing the kisses,
I am missing those kisses,
You gently place on my ears,
My neck,
and my eyes,
and everywhere else.
Missing you,
Here is a kiss from me,
One for the scar between your shoulder blades,
One on each of the freckles on your back,
Many on your shoulders,
One for each ear,
kisses on your cheek,
soft kisses for your forehead,
kisses on each eye,
kisses on your ears,
Missing your kisses,
But they are long gone.

Written by Lecinqblog

A loooooooong 10 days

A loooooong 10 days
Copyright(c)2009 Dr A aka Lecinqblog, Please do not reproduce or use without prior written permission
These ten days,
Are going to be long,
aren't they going to be too long?
What if i forget,
What if i feel relieved,
what if i don't want it anymore?
What if i will never know how it actually feels?
what if it will become a distant memory of;
What could have been?
What if i end up liking these 10 days of solitude?
What if?
But I need to know
Solitude speaks to you,
It silences the din
and the heart whispers,
So, i need these 10 days,
These long ten days,
looooooong ten days.
Written by Lecinqblog

Dear 'puppy dog eyes',Sorry!

Dear 'Puppy dog eyes',Sorry!
Copyright(c)2009 Dr.A aka Lecinqblog
Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission

Dear Puppy dog eyes,
Sorry!
Sorry,about everything.
It hurts,
I know it hurts,
It hurts me as much,
All I can say is Sorry,
because, I am truly sorry,
It hurts my heart,
It hurts my soul,
It had to happen this way,
This is all consuming,
like running on fumes,
the last drops of gasoline,
leaves no room for anything else,
We run in circles,
hurt each other to see how much we care,
This is all consuming
It hurts,more than i can describe,
Sorry is all I can say,
Sorry for you,
Sorry for me,
The puppy dog eyes, they haunt,
I know i haunt you;
Everyday,
We are like ghosts now,
our souls are ghosts too,
haunt is all we can do;
To each others' minds,
to our hearts;
We squeeze them and pulverize them,
Drink them up and
Try to walk away,
coz it hurts to be,
it hurts to walk away,
it just plain hurts.
So, sorry!
Sorry this ever happened.
Dear puppy dog eyes,
my dear puppy dog eyes,
Sorry?
I know I am your puppy dog ears,
but you are my puppy dog eyes,
I am sorry..coz this hurts too much for me to stay!
hugs
Sorry, my puppy dog eyes, sorry,
This just consumes me too much,
I have to walk away,
For you, For me!
Written by Lecinqblog

Want

WANT
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog.
Copyright(c)Dr.A aka Lecinqblog Please do not reproduce/use without prior written permission
WANT


Serendipity,
crossing paths,
Curiosity,
Conflict,
dismissal.


More curiosity,
interaction,
withdrawal,
dismissal,
interaction,
dismissal,
conflict.




Immense reaction;
spontaneity,
conflict,
anger,
withdrawal,
emotional disconnnection.




Conflict,
withdrawal,
curiosity,
interaction,
want.




Curiosity,
interaction,
entanglement,
withdrawal,
conflict,
anger.




Emotional withdrawal,
denial,
escapism,
withdrawal,
anger.




Interaction,
interaction,
interaction,
immense entanglement,
emotional entanglement.




Want,
more want,
immense want,
curiosity,
withdrawal.




Conflict,
anger,
denial,
anger,
conflict.




Want,
want and conflict,
revelation,
vindication,
occurance.


Hurt,
regret,
disgust,
shudder.




More disgust,
sadness,
hurt,
regret,
deep regret,
give up!


Silence,
disconnnect,
sadness,
fear,
yearning,
reconnect.


Reconciliation,
tears,
hurt,
disappointment,
resentment.


Hurt,
deep hurt,
yearning,
want.


Giving in,
hurt,
emptiness,
yearning,
want.


Dissatisfaction,
hurt,
anger,
want!
Written by Dr.AR aka Lecinqblog

The pensive playlist

Like I usually say on the Poetry and poise blogs,
Playlists and the music we choose to play at a given point of time reflect our mood at that particular time.

Dec 20- 2 ft of snow in the Northeast

Lots of thoughts in my head.Some puppy dog eyes haunt me in my mind..some bitterness in the heart prod me to walk away and then I need a playlist..
This is what i played

Playlist now>Santana(product G&B) Maria>Chris Daughtry-Home>Its not over>Coldplay-The hardest part>Daniel bedingfield-Gonna get through this 3:23 AM Dec 20th from web

Listening to>Coldplay-If you love me>Daniel powter-Bad day>Darren Hayes-Insatiable>Rihanna-Disturbia>Sean Hayes-Dream machine>Duffy-Mercy:)) 3:39 AM Dec 20th from web

The song DREAM MACHINE has a very hypnotic feel to it.It is like U R laying on the dance floor slowly writhing in a trance like rattlesnakes 3:54 AM Dec 20th from web

Playing now>Duffy-Warwicke avenue>Eminem-8 mile-Lose yourself>Enrique Iglesias-RythmDivine>Robbie williams-Feel>Fergie-Big girls don't cry:) 4:09 AM Dec 20th from web

Playing now>Fergie-Fergilicious>Pink-Funhouse>George Harrison-Sweet Lord>Green day-Boulevard of Broken dreams>GunsNRoses-sweet child of mine 4:40 AM Dec 20th from web

 puppy dog eyes, pouty mouth,typing away frantically into keyboard,while multitasking-cooking spaghetti casserole.More puppy dog eyes!!! 9:19 AM Dec 20th from web

My Best friend/s advice/s me!

 I am a woman...we all have relationship crisis/crises(more than one).

We go to our bestest friends.Friends who have nothing out of it, as in they don't benefit from any particular outcome.So,they give neutral third person opinion.

Because i am a woman, this time around, I  went to  male male best friends to find out the male perspective on this particular  issue..

Two male best friends and yet , Almost exact similar advice..

Sigh..Yet..I don't learn..coz my gut instinct asks me to get anxiety related arrhythmia by indulging in dangerous pursuits.So,I continue on, in spite of the advice they gave.

Nevertheless,here are nuggets of their advice>Just as a record for posterity..

Their names and real details of the whole issue have been withheld for the privacy of all parties involved.
============================================
BEST FRIEND 1 ADVICES


Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"ya, you must've missed that memo, all guys are dogs" again,thanks for saying that.I didn't know ALL were.they are?
Me:BLAH
Best friend advice:"..dogs that chase after any tail they see!"

okaaay.I didn't know it was so grim.But really?I guess!

Me:BLAH
 Best friend advice:"....and he would've moved onto the next tail he saw walk past"
Again,thanks! I guess he would have!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"...one last time GET OVER IT.you're not perfect, you made a mistake!"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)Best friend advice:"...learn, move on.forget he even exists!"Okie, dokie,shall try!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..no, you've finally learned something that most learn at 18-22.catching up!"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..he wasn't in love with you.he was reaching.trying to see what he could get.just drop it, move on, learn from your mistakes."

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..get over that feeling.pride comes before the fall."

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"..you now see the need for that attachment.never before have you seen that need.cause he couldn't get you.he wanted you only on his conditions"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"he might not have actually quit those things"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"best case scenario he falls in love with you, you fall in love with him, story over.worst case, you get there, he dumps you within two weeks"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"no need to waste more brain functions on him"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
Best friend advice:"keep striving for perfection.he wasn't perfection"

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)===================================

BEST FRIEND 2 ADVICES


Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:what sort of drama? guy drama?

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES: So now he'll have no girlfriends

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:lol no, but it happens allllllll the time.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:why? there's nothing wrong with the story

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:it sounds like any normal drama story

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:lots of douche bag guys out there.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:welcome to most men!

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:'Most' doesn't mean all

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:It's true though. Lots of men I know are jackasses.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I don't approve of most guys my friends date

 Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I'm not saying women aren't guilty of the same behavior. I think it's becoming common in today's society

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:People are programmed to climb the ladder in their careers and in their life. Always upgrading, always looking for more.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:sometimes a mess is worth cleaning up. Kinda like a run down house that needs a good renovation.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:I can tell that relationship won't go very well.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:yeah, I prefer to avoid other people's messes and clean up my own if I make a spill.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:when people get too greedy, they lose everything.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:sometimes it takes two hands to catch a falling/shooting star, and if you're busy catching one with another

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:hand, you'll drop them both.

Me:BLAH BLAH BLAH (EXPLAINING SITUATION)
BMF ADVICES:well, it's stuff you already know., I just put it into words for you
=================
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

I understand now

I understand now how it is possible for a 40 year old man to just cheat on his wife like that.
I understand how it is possible for a 29 year old woman to be with that forty year old cheating husband.
I understand how a 30 year old man can fall for the 40 year old deserted wife.
I understand how two friends can love the same girl
I understand how the girl can love both the men
I understand how what starts as pity sex turns into passionate out of control affair
I now understand your lines where you say, You gave up your beliefs to be with her
I now understand how you just had to do it despite you knowing it won't work
I now understand why i questioned it so much and yet I myself am doing the very same thing.
I am angry that i am doing the exact same thing i was angry you were doing
I understand how out of control and conflicted you were back then to do what you did , the exact same thing, that i am now doing after having objected and warned you at that time.
We are all fallible,,koby says that..he is right
I understand how we are all puppets at the fate of cruel trysts ..trysts we put out fingers in like babies do in fire.
They burn, they singe, but do they learn.Maybe not.
I understand how once we are wired a certain way, we do it over and over and over till one day we die.
I understand how no amount of psychotherapy and family support changes that.
We learn those kickass lessons and yet will forget those lessons again at the nick of time
We hate ourselves for selling ourselves short.
We hate ourselves when the people dearer to us sell themselves short, yet we do the same
Why can't we be together?
oh no.we just have to go find those broken people, get broken ourselves and then run into each other's arms during those window periods..
Where we quickly gasp for all the air we can ever get,
warm ourselves in each other's embrace,
yet we go out again, seeking more broken people,
Why can't we just be with each other?
it is not like we didnt' find each other.
but no,,we need those broken people,
to let ourselves know how unbroken we are in comparison
yes, that is it..we want to feel like the better ones
I understand it all..

Head on shoulder

 HEAD ON SHOULDER
Copyright(c)Lecinqblog aka Dr.A .Please do not use or reproduce/use without prior written permission


Head on shoulder,
All i want to do;
Is to call you near,
And say,
"Come here!".

I lay there silently looking at the ceiling,
You come and lay down beside me too,
Then you lay your head on my left shoulder,
I let you;
coz I want you there,
Then I slowly lower my gaze,
To look upon your puppy dog eyes,
And then I ask,
"Why the pain?"
And then i let you kiss me,
Over and over and over,


Does your pain go away?
Probably not;
I just let you do it anyways,
I just want your head on my shoulder.
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog