THE PAUPERS WHO CANNOT OWN UP TO THEIR OWN UNDENIABLE LOVE FOR SOMEONE !

Why do I use the word PAUPER?
Well, When we undeniably LOVE someone, we must be in a position to
PROUDLY and PUBLICLY OWN that love and announce it from the rooftops.
Any person(male or female) who has restrictions in life, due to which
they are UNABLE to do so, are denying themselves the LUXURY of LOVING
UNHINGED..
Such people who cannot afford the luxury of unhinged love are then
rightly called PAUPERS...No amount of dollars in the bank can
compensate for this kind of PAUPER-HOOD!
When we love someone , we must also be in a position to be DESERVING
of the one we fall in love with.
And once we know we deserve them, we must also be courageous enough
to make the effort to approach that object of affection and try to
make them our own.
If the object of their affection thinks they are NOT interesting
enough, then, oftentimes, the paupers DISOWN the love they feel and
FAIL TO ACKNOWLEGDGE it exists , All out of EGO HASSLES...
BUT TRUE LOVE HAS NO EGO HASSLES ...loving unhinged is all about just
loving courageously and owning it up.
I have always referred to MR.GREEN as a PAUPER...
At one point of bitter cynicism I also called him a "beggar" in one of
my poems that I wrote in 2010.
I think HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME at all in any given
way-Intellectually,spiritually or emotionally or ethically or
creatively ..Hence the term "pauper" for him.(I remember writing
something along similar lines in an email to him way back)
..I knew right from the beginning that he just was not good enough for me ..
The saddest part is, I myself have/had undeniable feelings for the
pauper.Feelings which are very conflicted and "contrasting" on
different occasions.
And to top it up , I was(/am) constantly ASHAMED that here I was(am?)
the smart, beautiful ,tough ,special, talented woman and here I was
WANTING a man , who clearly was undeserving of me in any given
way.Yet, I know FOR SURE that the WANT won't go away.I want him.
The saddest part of the whole thing is, WHILE I POINT FINGERS AT HIM,
calling him the pauper, The fact that I developed feelings for someone
who I THINK/THOUGHT is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME...makes me a pauper too.
On so many days I wish
I WISH ,HAD HE BEEN
I WISH that
Had he been a lil younger,
had he been a little more creative,
had he been a little more ethical,
had he been a little less twisted,
had he been a little less selfish,
had he been a little less of a drunkard,
had been a little less gay,
Had he been a little less married,
Had he been a little less materialistic,
had he been a little less of this and that
and had he been a little more of this and that,
I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH HIM...
The saddest part is .
HE IS NOT ANY one THING I desire or want in a man..
YET, HE WITH HIS TWISTED SELFISH IMMATURE LOVE attracted me in some way.
I felt A very strong attraction for a very undeserving man.
HE SCORED things he DIDN'T DESERVE...I hate him for that.I hate him
for getting successful at making me WANT HIM the way he wanted me.(on
some days I question if he even really wanted me or was it a ruse or
trial to cover up his real want for this other man who left him for
another country)
I ,HONESTLY, WITH MY CONSCIOUS MIND, don't want him.
BUT YET,I want him ...that makes me AS MUCH A PAUPER AS I CALL HIM A PAUPER.No?
Tags:pauper,conflicted,beggar,ashamed,had_he_been