The realization of paucity

Sometimes there is this unexpected passion that burns you down
sometimes there is camaraderie that lingers and glows for long.
I would prefer the latter .. or maybe a lil bit of both
Meanwhile. i posted on my other blog on another site as to how , the whole of 2008 had been about pressing hard on the gas pedal while still firmly placing my foot pressed on the brake as well.. a whole of screeching tires and smoke and burnt rubber with nada movement is what happenned to me in 2008..Prolly i threw it all away.. every single thing that i had right in my hand.. I lost focus.. now it is almost gone forever. .years down the line.. I hope , i dont end up old and gray with a whole lot of un used talent .. sitting there pushing my children too hard coz i couldnt do the things i wanted to .. sad.. but i hope i am not that overambitious dejected parent.. I want to be an achiever who took the time to fulfil my own dreams , so that i am a better parent with no emotional baggage.
Here I sit.. typing mindless things into a computer , feeling this false connection with the world. Is is false ? is it false coz i can't place my finger and hold it physically?
whatever.. The opposite pasture always is greener
My instinct has never lied to me.. Only, I never listen to it, till i look back and think of what it said.
so yeah.. I plan to listen firmly to my instinct in 2009.. there is not going to be paucity. the variety that eats you up..
there is going to be something done.. I dont know

And just like that the charm fades away

I mean..sometimes .. it baffles you that how suddenly a person whom you thought you would never stop liking.. is the very one..you start actually disliking coz suddenly somethign happens that allows you to understand that the person was a fake ass and full of insecurity. quite the antithesis of what you thought they were ..
Case in point.. mr.u
..Anways.. stupid is what stupid does..who is the real stupid here,well,that is questionable.

Also, sometimes you see so much of similiarity of you in them , not because they are really
similar to you,but because you like them so much,that you want to relate to them in a deep way,coz of which you start seeing a lot of you in them,when infact,there probably is no real similarity at all ..

Anways.. It also gives me a headache to watch him make the same mistakes that i have already done and gotten out of..
It gave me such a headache and be a spectator to the same mistakes and not be able to do anything about his mistakes,which are much similar to the kind of mistakes i made and still make
I finally chose out.CHOOSING OUT,as in,choosing to emotionally get out it.stop watching the train wreck(sorry,just had to use this analogy)

And i was surprised at how easy it was for me to phase him out of my head  once i finally figured he is an insecure idiot who does the things he does NOT out of unrehearsed genius but out of hightly meticulously planned moves stemming out of a high degree of insecurity..


So yes.I have been there,done that , chosen highly manipulative idiots as my partners ,just out of kindness and wasted years in the process and now i am finally out of it..

I dont want to sit here watch him make similar mistakes or atleast what i percieve are similar mistakes(necessarily may not be )

So yeah, the charm fades away and I feel better.. I feel better that the mirage is broken...and yet, i feel foolish at the fact that  this mirage filled charm lasted this long..
so yeah.. I dont really care for mr.u anymore.. I think he is an insecure fool .. and funny how it took me so long to figure that out.hmmmm

About feeling like a child to a parent with a stranger

yet again, jason writes something.. instantly it evokes my inner soul and i put something there for him as a gift on his comments section..and then i want to make a copy of it here .. I find comments the best gifts.. words..they are pieces of our soul..therefore heartfelt gifts are the best gifts ever..
Anyways here goes a copy of my comment there.. jason in his blog writes about his numerous travel and about choosing emotions that allow our body to feel things the way we are comfortable with and then talking about finding a loved one and about coming home and a tibetian ritual..
This is what i wrote there in response to that
Le cinq blog said...
Awwww..You truly are there in my thoughts these days..all the time. I truly think of you as a likeminded friend(the only point we dont agree upon is the marijuana issue)I have always been the wise-ass doling out words of advice for everyone else...and there are very few times when someone else's words make me feel young and safe and for once give me the opportunity to get to listen to advice and find the advice sensible and worth wanting to listen to too.I feel like you are my parent though perhaps you are just a couple of years or so older than i am .that feeling of being the child to a parent is so comforting and acts like a security blanket.thanks for making me feel that .So yeah..You are so much in my thoughts too..and yes.. I suddenly out of the blue also think of wanting to have that one person whose hand i could hold and get a tight hug each night..and really feel understood. hmmmmmm..but i think that i am going to just let that thought and want be...Meanwhile I am kinda enjoying the fresh guacamole i made ....the recipe i am posting right here for you too Avocado-cut , scooped out till you can scrape the gritty underskin of the peelONe large tomato , washed and then cut into tiny pieces with seed and core intactOne very small boiler onion , peeled and chopped finelya wee bit of salt2tbsp of freshly washed cilantro leaves with stalks chopped very finely.use a large bowl to mush all of this together.Eat as it is or with homemade tortilla chips.hugs and love to you from meI love you .I do .Atleast I love you for now.
December 8, 2008 10:17 AM