The pink flowers in my neighborhood-Fragrance cocktail in my living room

First off..
There are tons of flowering  trees in my neighborhood
The greenest neighborhood in the whole of the city
and now...recently at the age of 31yrs..I suddenly realize that I probably have POLLEN ALLERGIES
The living room has been smelling great these days especially if i leave the windows open for long, thanks to the various flowering trees in the neighborhood allowing their fragrances diffuse into my living room
The funny part is..recently I also started using a very fragrant smelling soap...
So, for the longest time I didn't know if the great smell in the living room was from the trees or from the very very uber fragrant soap that i place near the sink .
Add a third scent to this already head cocktail,,,what you ask?
My neighbors have some fruit trees and flower climbers which also seem to be emanating fragrances this season.
Probably they planted new plants this year..last year there was no heady smell coming from that direction
So, at this given point of time, I am being bombarded by various fragrances and pollen types from all given directions.
I don't have the heart to close up all windows and not really enjoy spring like it should be enjoyed.

End result? allergy induced bronchoconstriction...>>>>breathing difficulty (for non medical peeps)

I am on allergy medication right now..seriously..I am surprised that my pollen allergy took 31 years to crop up..i mean..I am becoming more and more like my dad.. I have the same allergies as him..LOL..
Anyways..inspite of the allergies..I am still enjoying the HEADY COCKTAIL OF FRAGRANCES..SO SWEET SMELLING I SAY.

It was all a mistake

It was all a mistake
In all of my unbiased choices way back then
I never ever wanted it
It was all wrong
Why I should even think about it
Now that i ever wanted it in the first place?
Maybe a penance for my vanity?.
Perhaps
Whatever it was
It was not right
It never began right
It never was right
It never is right
It never will be right
All wrong
Very wrong
very bad for both
Very very bad for me
Everything was wrong
You were wrong for me
You are wrong for me
'everything was a misunderstanding
Everything was based on misreading everything
Everything was just wrong
It was all a MISTAKE
you were  a mistake
I was a mistake
everything was a mistake
It is over.
Very good.

Riding bikes along lakeshores

I like Riding my bike along the lake shore
The water with its ripples
The yatching people
The people on the rowboats
The ducks on the shore sometimes
Birds flying away or to the water
Sunlight reflecting on the water
The shimmer shammer of the yellow light
The trees around the lake
Tall and beautiful
Shady and green
The vast expanses of sky
The fluffy white clouds
The breeze against my face
very very soothing
I love the bike rides around the lakeshore

Entanglements

I don't know at what point it happened
And why it happened
But the entanglements have happened
And So, though Both of us have decided
To turn our backs to each other and walk on,
All we are doing now is,
Constantly thinking about each other,
Even if we are doing so only in anger and not love,
Anger is a type of emotion too you see,
An emotion that still indicates an entanglement,
We  both are knotted up together in some inseperable ways now,
By just our minds and thoughts,
And it is all difficult and disgusting..
I want out..
I want out of this mental entanglement,
I need you to cease to exist in my head anymore..
Be gone, my friend,
Be gone.

That was such a close call

In a spree blogging attempt,
I accidentally posted some private details.

good that i came back to read the posts..
DELETED IT ALL.

I almost had a MASSIVE HEART ATTACK..GEEZUS..SERIOUSLY..

Damn it..that was a very very close call..geeezus..how did that happen?

I mean..some copy paste mishap
seriously..seriously..

I avoid posting personal details or personally identifiable information altogether..geeezus..
This was such a close call..

I mean...I cannot be so irresponsible.
i need to re and re read and then re read some more before CLICKING "publish post" from now on..hmmmm.sigh.

He once told me

He once told me

 He once told me this :

I don't think anything is your fault.
You are a sweet giving honest person and you don't deserve any sadness.
I will just cuddle and kiss you quietly as we fall asleep waiting for a better tomorrow.
I have a motto that tomorrow is always better as we learn something today that we can use use tomorrow ,so logic says. tomorrow has to be better than today. And you always make tomorrow better with your words and  kindness.


Thank you... xxx

I say :
Thanks so much ..but I think all of this is my fault.I need to change the way i behave.

He says :
Don't change a thing. You are beautiful as you are. You are 99% perfect. xoxo
No thanks needed
You are a wonderful person.
Thank you for persisting with this troubled guy. I have found new meaning because of you !!!



Now he tells me:
I never loved you,Wonder how you got that idea!

I am thinking:
Gee,If some man tells those kind of loving sentences to me..I would assume he loved me,yeah?
I won't fathom it up that the guy doesn't love me but is just lying random lies,yeah?
Is it my fault, I misread the signals?
 

Reliving the basket flowers from the past

I don't want any future insights.
I just want a reliving of the past.
I want you to recall those moments that you felt for me..if any..
I want to carry them all in my basket and then walk..
That is all i want..
There is nothing in the future.the future is bleak..
I am only trying to gather up the broken pieces
of this beautiful ceramic cup that once was a
And was almost baking and then it broke
before it could start to happen..
that is all I am seeking

some repair..some picking up of the pieces that once were..then i walk

The constant variables

See, it hurts me that this love is not meant to be..
Sometimes we have variables..
The constant variables..
They cannot be changed.
So, we cannot be together.
Had you been the same age as me
I mean had you been that young man from that picture..
and had I met you somewhere in such a case
I would have taken you home right that day
and made love to you.
I agree that there is an intense sexual connection..
I understand that.
But this is not meant to be..
It hurts me as much as it hurts you..
but which is why..
I want still experience it on some level..
before leaving you..:((

Putty on my soul

I need to have you for a little bit..
you know, like ,
fill those little holes in my soul that you poked,
with some putty of your own love
I want to give you some of my love too,
so  that you can lock it in your soul
to succor and derive from
when i am gone and
you are all alone and
You won't ever find a love like mine
After this last time of give and take,
I go,
then i go ..

A love like mine

A love like mine is unique and precious and different..
You will never find it anywhere except with me
and yes it is priceless
and yes I dole it out for free for most part.
If you want some all you need to do is ask for it
Do you want some ?
But,I will only give it to you if you deserve it
You need to work to earn it.

Unburdened the negativity ,right here , right now !

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A..I wrote these notes to my guy .Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
==============================================================
Can we please Keep this respectful and civil and loving and beautiful
like it once was?
You need to trust me..
coz that is what I deserve..
Learn to respect..
Give me that unconditional love that you once gave me
that made me feel like a woman again..
I felt appreciated ..
I need to feel that again..
I can't carry on this negativity with me.
I only want to have pleasant thoughts about you
when five years down the line..
I am in a plane traveling and
I start thinking of all my past relationships..k?
I want to unburden this negativity right here , right now .
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

A love without fear-honoring it

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A..I wrote these notes to my guy .Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
==============================================================
YOU KNOW WHAT HURTS THE MOST?
THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN'T TRUST ME.. OR THAT YOU NEED TO DO
DAMAGE CONTROL.
you need to understand that I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU FOR
THE VERY SAME REASON YOU DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.
i need a vegan and a young man who can keep with me in every given way
you cannot give up your lifestyle of drinking and eating meat and plus
, you are too old for me.9 years is a big age gap.A whole generation apart.
fine..done and over

YES WE HAD DEEP INTENSE CONNECTIONS AT ONE POINT OF TIME..
LET US JUST HONOR THAT..DON'T GO ON A MUDSLINGING DRIVE..THAT IS WHAT
HURTS THE MOST
HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT..
I SEEK RESPECT AND I SEEK THAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THAT WE ONCE SHARED
WITH EACH OTHER WITHOUT FEAR..THAT IS ALL I CARE FOR ..PLEASE GIVE ME
SOME LOVE..WITHOUT FEAR.
=======================
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

The man I fell in love with

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A.Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
==================================

You know who i fell in love with ?
That smiling 31 year old man..
standing in that corner in that office picture..
that true smile..
that silent strength..
that silence..
those eyes.
those eyebrows.
those shoulders


I fell in love with the man that told me,
"BEING WITH YOU MORE THAN JUST HEAD ON SHOULDER , YA KNOW, UPSETTING
THE NEIGHBORS ON EACH SIDE AND UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS AND AT ALL
HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND MORNING , MOST NIGHTS OF THE WEEK, YA KNOW! I FEEL EMBARRASSED  THAT I SAID THAT BUT HEY, I SAID IT"

That is the man i fell in love with.

I fell in love with the man,
who held my hand,
while i talked to him about;
childhood stories
and about mathematics..
That is the man I fell in love with



I fell in love with the man,
The man who gently held me,
when i had a fever
and asked me if i needed a tummy rub
The man who told me he planned a whole life with me..
Tthat is the man
I fell in love with.

It is a pity,
that man never existed in reality
It was just a beautiful interpretation
that happened in my head.
He never was there
It was just how I saw it
========================
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

A wasted emotion called Hate!

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A..I wrote these notes to my guy .Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
==============================================================
Don't walk away like that;
when I am hurting..
I need to be held.
Please hold me for a bit
and say some nice things..
I can't hate you ever either..
not coz it is a waste of energy..
but coz i don't have it in me to hate you for long..
I don't have it me to hate anyone for long
Hate is a wasted emotion in my opinion
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

NOTES TO MY LOVE

 Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A..I wrote these notes to my guy .Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing of other's written works is unethical
==============================================================
1/Learn to say sorry to me..whenever you mess up
2/Think hard before you disrespect me.
3/Learn to verbalize and say how much you love me without fear..
4/Don't diss me in the middle of magical moments or conversations
5/Give me time on the very day i want it ..coz that is when it works.
No point giving me time  ten days down the line .yeah? the magic disappears.
6/Don't try to make it look like you are doing me a favor..You know for
sure that you are only doing yourself a favor when you spend time with
me..coz i fill you with life..the life that left you years ago...you
have slowly died a death sweetie..that saddens me the most.

I don't care about money

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A.Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
=====================================

MONEYMINDED BEHAVIOR IRKS ME.
I HATE PEOPLE WHO CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT MONEY..
I HAVE ZERO IMPORTANCE FOR MONEY IN LIFE.
.WE ALL NEED MONEY..
BUT JUST ENOUGH FOR FOOD AND SHELTER AND THEN MAYBE MEDICATION
ETC..NOTHING MORE..

Money will not buy happiness...
I would have loved you just as much had you been equally talented but
with ZERO MONEY WAY BACK when you were young and twenty.
All I want is an intelligent man that also is emotional and turns me
on sexually..
I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY..
I CARE ABOUT LOYALTY AND INTELLIGENCE AND
TALENT AND INTEGRITY.THAT IS WHAT I CARE ABOUT..

Have some respect
Have some respect.
Have some respect.
=================
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

The words that i evoke in you

Copyright Lecinqblog aka Dr.A..I wrote these notes to my guy .Please don't use/reproduce this without prior written permission.PLAGIARISM or stealing someone else's  written works is unethical
==============================================================I like your words..
those special words that you say to me
those sweet words..
I THINK I EVOKE THEM IN YOU
You speak different when you are with others.
your words are mundane and boring
But when you are with me..
you change.
I have that effect on  YOU ,
I think
I have that effect on a lot of people.
I make them look at things differently ;
just by my own way of looking at things..
I don't do it deliberately though..it just happens..

yeah..did I say it already?
That i like your words?
I like those simple words,
That i evoke in you.
Written by Lecinqblog aka Dr.A

The net result

Anyways...I am so tired of today's varied arguments.
Net result? nothing..
Much like the net result of yesterday's arguments  and of  the ones the day before and the day before..
pccccccch....nothing..nothing is being accomplished..
I am not sure how it is on your side..maybe you are going around doing
whatever you have to do each day inspite of the arguments,but for me,the net result of each
day is not what i want.

A moment of freedom

You need to learn to trust your feelings with me..
You need to have the courage to tell me..
Infact, you need to give yourself the permission ;
to have the courage to be able to tell your real needs and desires.
It is a MOMENT OF FREEDOM  when  you are able to do that..

When i watch lovemaking scenes on TV

I really don't expect anything from you.
I have always told you that from the beginning to end
coz I won't be convenient for you and your lifestyle
and neither will you be for me.
Done and discussed.
but.
.this thing..
this sadness crops from time to time and
each timeI want to walk away
I am not able to without constantly recalling you.
It is silly, but these days,
Each time I see a lovemaking scene on TV,
I start immediately imagining us there instead of them both..
I remember you telling me about how much you imagine us together too.
SAD DON'T YOU THINK?
US NOT WANTING TO BE TOGETHER BECAUSE OF INCOMPATIBLE LIFESTYLES
This is ridiculous
How many times we remember each other each day
Though we are not together
How that works ;
Almost as if WE are together in some way
In a relationship or some such.
It is strange and weird.
My best friend says that I do this coz  it is just that i am plainly lonely.
Maybe he is true..
but well.. i don't know!

A vagabond spinster till i die to dust

okay..say something.
.come on..
the silence is so palpable..
and come here ..
so that i can let you rest your head on my shoulder
and then i can kiss your forehead a lil bit..
Sweetie i am sad that this is not meant to be..
Maybe i am just destined to die a vagabond spinster..
Maybe my beautiful body will go unappreciated
in all it beautiful tender suppleness..
Maybe i will never find that admirer who will have me each night
Till I finally become this withered old body..
 A beautiful body
mine
It whithers and wilts
and then finally mixes with the dust..
the dust from where it came from

What a waste.
sad , no?

The problem is.
Just coz i want my beautiful body appreciated ;
I can't sacrifice my mind's needs..
I have done that before and
mindless sex doesn't work for me..
It kills me ,kills my soul, my spirit too..
So,just letting my beautiful body go unappreciated
just works fine for me..suits me even...
As my smart mind has a path of its own..
alone it walks..
no companion..
hurdles after hurdles..
it jumps through hoops,
walks on fires,
rides the waves..all alone..
MY body feels unappreciated but the mind thrives alone.

My oldest ever Twitter profile pic

When i first came to Twitter, I had this desire to have 0 followers.


Yeah.I have such weird desires.I am a very private person. So, having 0 followers was my only way to ensure that i could babble all I want and yet , not be shy that someone would read all my babble.

But, time had other plans for me.On the very first day, It was a friday i think..it was followfriday and for some reason, back then, people would randomly follow people from the public timeline as part of the followfriday exercise..

So someone followed me within 3 minutes of my signing up for Twitter..I was like, "What the ......!"

I went and asked that person "why did you follow me? Is it the follow friday tradition?

He replies back, "yes" ( I suspect that was not the real answer but sometimes when someone prompts peeps an easy way out answer, they quickly agree..LOL)


Then i quickly go, " I am sorry but i like my privacy, So, I shall block you"

LOL..Yeah, i actually did that..I kept blocking people for the longest time since then so that i could have the magic number of ZERO on the follower's list..
But the Twitter community made me give it all up and blend in ..IN the process of blending in, I suddenly decided to put up my picture on the twitter profile..
This was the pic

I was opening up as  a person to the point of sharing my picture without hesitation .good !
This was the pic i chose..I wanted to post half of my face( chiefly to hide my identity) yet have a pictures which would show my eyes that usually smile when i smile for a picture..
Though my mouth doesn't show in his picture..IF you look at my eyes..You will know that they are smiling.
Look closely !

My dear Einstein

When i first signed up for Twitter, I so wanted to stand out..I wanted to showcase my talents.
I am a physician by profession..But my nimble fingers not only perform accurately skillful surgical procedures, they also manage to play musical instruments, sketch some original stuff and do some great knitting and embroidery.

Coming back to when i first signed up on twitter> I decided that instead of just  mentioning that i was an artist , why not showcase one of my favorite sketches of all time?

You know, Much like, PROOF OF THE PUDDING..

When people get to see samples of your work , they believe you more .More than just believing my word for it .


My page background on twitter has been changed many times since then, but for the longest time, this sketch sat there-in all its sweet glory -almost for 4 or 5 months I think!

Here goes the sketch

THE STORY BEHIND THE EINSTEIN SKETCH

While I was in med school, I often would sit there in the TV room with my study books .
Yeah.I have this bad lil habit of studying WHILE watching TV..with the TV on mute for most part..or very loud..Kinda helps me focus more for some reason.
As i study the tough principles and classifications from my med textbooks,  I take a 10 min breather every hour, wherein i watch TV uninterrupted.A mini diversion break, so that I don't go all mad with the med school study sessions.
It is during one of those 10 min breaks that I sketched this.
Since i only had a refill pen on hand and no pencil,I drew this sketch with an Ink pen.The kind of pen that we all usually use to write out study notes .
Why Einstein you ask?
The thing is, there was a newspaper lying around there in the living room.During my 10 min break I picked up the Science and Technology page and there staring in my face was a beautiful black and white picture of Einstein.
WHAT AN AUSTERE LOOKING FACE WITH A SMART PERSON'S HALO!
Sudden inspiration strikes and  I quickly set out to sketch his face .
Within 10 minutes..Voila !
Very satisfied with the end result.
As a matter of fact, this sketch happens to me my favorite of all times-Out of all the sketches i have ever sketched..
WHY?
Because i sketched it with a pen--no use of eraser and that would mean..ZERO SCOPE FOR MISTAKES .
So, unless you are a good sketcher(cough cough-self praise meter just burst to max) you can't accomplish a sketch in pen within 10 min..
These days.. I seriously don't indulge in the joy of sketching and painting as much as i would like to..I am trying to get back to the golden form of yester-years..LOL

I wanted to stand back and watch

I wanted to stand back and watch
Copyright(c)2010 Dr.A aka lecinqblog.Please do not reproduce or use without prior written permission
I did me a favor this past month.
I controlled stupid senseless impulses,
To prove my worst fears,
To stand back and watch,
To not be a participant,
And watch what you would do,
Once i am taken away from an imbalanced equation,
I wanted to see it with my own eyes.
What i thought you would do,
and you did exactly just what i thought you would do
My fears and premonitions have been proved right
I knew you would anyways do what you did.
I stood back and witnessed it
coz i wanted to be really sure
My worst fears have been proved right
I am glad and took the time to
not stop looking
but stand back , watch and pay attention
and slowly check mark one after another
the list of fears and premonitions
I have reams and pages of what i feared you were
I now have a tick mark against each of those flaws
You are flawed
Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog