instant gratification

The pet

btw..I need to sit on your lap..and HOS..totally..(that is called


being the PET)..ya know..how cats or tiny dogs..just don't even wait

for you to call them to you..they just straight walk in and sit on

your lap..like you are some sort of a couch or something..I FIND THAT

CUTE..i wanna do that..ya know..make a couch of your lap..LOL

non synchronicity of feelings,

Chalk and sandpaper

I am chalk
you are sandpaper
our intereactions are like sandpaper rubbing against chalk
The more the interactions happen
the more the chalk rubs on to the sandpaper
the sandpaper gains more chalk
the chalk loses herself
if the interaction continues more and more
at the end of it
there would be no chalk
it would be all gone into dust
all rubbed on to the sandpaper
finally there will be no chalk exisiting
there will only be a loaded sandpaper that gained a lot
and an empty non existent chalk that lost it all

HURT

I AM NOT SURE IF YOU WILL READ THIS OR NOT..I don't care.I have to say


this to you, coz I am hurting very very much.

I have to tell you that whatever you did in the past three days has

HURT ME IMMENSELY and left me confused

You are behaving the exact same way that you behaved last year and the

year before that

I AM NOT SURE IF YOU UNDERSTAND the intensity of hurt you are

inflicting on me by your behavior.

Though you are continuing to do to me what you did last year, I AM NOT

GOING TO RESPOND THE WAY I DID LAST YEAR..what happened last year HURT

ME MUCH MORE THAN it ever affected you in anyway.

I might possibly painfully walk away now.YOUR SILENCE HURTS,YOUR

WANTING TO SILENTLY WALK AWAY FROM ME HURTS

THE FACT THAT MY ARRHYTHMIA WAS INDUCED BY YOU BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME

"destructive" and mentioned "downward spiral" , when infact, it is the

other way round and all I have done is take you from that sad place

(look at yourself in those old holiday pictures that you sent me ) to

where you are now..trust me..I take a lot of credit for inspiring you

in a 1000 different ways.yet, you HURT me immensely by mentioning that

I of all people was destructive.THAT HURT TOO

The fact that here I was in a severe panic attack and calling you and

you didn't care even..THAT HURT..

the fact that I WAS SERIOUSLY CRYING FOR HELP sending mail after mail,

and yet you wouldn't reply, THAT HURT TOO.

I am sure, if some blood relative of yours, or someone who are

conjugally related , gets an arrhythmia emails you for help, you would

care enough to reply, no?

My mom told me that IT IS NOT FAIR to expect someone who is not blood

related or conjugally related to care at all.Maybe it is true..YET IT

HURT FOR SOME REASON..coz in march this year,though i decided to cut contact  with you by march 6 coz it was all so painful to even recall or reminisce anymore,,inspite of what stress I was
personally undergoing in my own life at that time, I took some time to write some

inspiring emails to you both..coz i CARED to be there as moral support at a time of what i precieved must be trying times for you..reaching out like that is called HUMANITY..kindness.

SO YEAH, WHATEVER YOU DID THE PAST THREE DAYS..has hurt me

immensely..The fact that you don't care that i am hurt, hurts even

more..

SO YEAH, i said it, there ya go.VERY VERY HURT RIGHT NOW

It is so easy to complain to third parties or websites about what a

stalker I am..It is so easy to say anything or any lies you want..
they believe you
because IT IS CONVENIENT AND LESS PAINFUL FOR THEM TO BELIEVE what you

say..The SCENARIO of "Me being a stalker while you shunning me and not wanting me" is a far more

convenient scnerio for them to believe and cope with than  the actually possible truth,no?

but then,you should

know betterto not diss me just to save yourself, coz YOU KNOW THE TRUTH..yeah?

SO YES..everything HURTS RIGHT NOW..very much.

the fact that you won't even courtesy reply  IS WHAT CATAPULTS THE

PANIC AND ANXIETY AND that hurts the most.

PLEASE REPLY..no one wants to pester you everyday...i understand that

you have made choices in life..choices that you like very much that

are convenient for you, that stress you far less, I get all that.
IS WRITING A KIND EMAIL SUCH A BIG DEAL?really?YOUR STINGINESS WITH KIND

WORDS AND CONSOLATION IS WHAT HURTS MOST..when

the number of times you were stressed and i was there ..like that last

year when you went for an interview and each time before a trip you

were stressed and you mentioned it to me..i did send kind

words..no?yeah..so there ya go.

say something

The anxious one

actually I am not the anxious one..it is only the nature of certain


tricky irreparable situations that makes me despair and thus feel

anxious..

Friend who you confided in?

I am not your GF,yet you will fantasize about me?why? If I am just a


friend you confided in, please have the decency to STOP fantasizing

about me from now on ..I know it is so easy to continue to think

whatever you think in your head and fuck me a thousand times in your

greedy head and then say UTTER LIES to everyone around including

me..but whatever..that is you, that is your personality of 43

years..won't change..ONCE A LIAR, ALWAYS A LIAR..

Let the pain that constantly spills over fade away!

here is an excerpt of a letter that i sent someone
===============
trust me...all I am looking for is that 5 min of talk..EXACTLY WHEN I


NEED CUSHIONING..the waiting for your emails for hours and hours,

compounds my anxiety..is all..

i want a healthy relationship too..i want it be casual and healthy and

for it to slowly fade away...ya know..you are already married.you have

no time to invest in me even if you want to.i get it..i deserve to be

with someone who will be with me full time..i get it..i also need a

husband who will spend that much of time with me so that my emotional

needs are met , i get all that..

infact i try stopping to talk to you altogether, lock this episode and

these couple of yrs painful confusing interactions with you somewhere

deep and just move on..I TRY..much evident from my months and weeks of

NOT EMAILING YOU ..ever..BUT SUDDENLY the pain spills over :(( and at

that time..i need emotional cushioning

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL WITH IT immediately,,like right now...ya know..:((

The sparrow with the broken wings

The sparrow with the broken wings
it is too weak
too sad
too dead
too scared
to much in pain
the gates of the cage are open
the sparrow wants to fly away
but it can't
too weak to even move around in the cage
waiting for someone to feed her
mend her broken wings
make her stronger
till finally
she can muster up some courage
to walk to the gate of the cage
then fly away..far far away

This is for u

sweetie..I am messed up  right now ..still mulling over past dating mishaps..past relationships..emotional mess.
I need time to heal..to get all better
then,I shall come to you..coz you deserve a fresh, healed, happy,better me..a clean slate
give me time..wait for me..while i heal.I AM TRYING REAL HARD TO GENUINELY HEAL.
I WANT YOU TO WAIT FOR ME..no truly..