spent

very very spent
so exhausted
so empty right now
I feel so empty and spent...good
unburdened?I dunno
but spent..spent enough to laze around on the bed doing nothing but typing into a laptop not wanting to get up or do anything for hours to come..just plain spent
The kind of spent when you have had mindless sex all night over and over coz you just feel the need to connect to the other person after a long long time..
ya know..like you had been separated for a year and finally you cross paths and you can't have enough of each other..soyou  get at it..
so yeah.that kinda spent..
all spent up right now.hmmm
very spent
very emotionally exhausted and worn out

Greedy Lovers

written by Dr.A aka LecinqBlog

Greedy Lovers,
they love not,
But yet amuse themselves ,
by poking and prodding at their targets,
to see how much they can make the other one  love them,
The Love that they deserve not
Yet they assume power ,
often times mistake ,
the other one's kindness,
a victory to their twisted little plans
As if
love is not real love at all
It is a game of lies and control
A twisted little serpentine tango

As if
love is not real love at all
It is just a bargain and a business deal
A maze of mindgames and
clever soul-less tomfoolery.

Greedy lovers
lurk and watch
and take notes
from the sidelines of the carnival
hiding behind the masquerade
Then
They wickedly walk up to you
and gently lay their wicked finger
and tip you off balance
into a rabbit hole
and watch you as you tumble down
much like like Alice in Wonderland

The greedy lovers
Then they walk away hurriedly

The masquerade
the lurking
the game plans
The balldances
the fruit punches
the carnivals
the greedy lovers
They were never much to my liking anyways

We are but mere puppets in your well orchestrated show

It is all about you
about how everyone else fits
into your well thought out plans for your life
your creature comforts
your convenience
So everyone else is just a mere puppet
in your well planned screenplay
Ain't it?.Aren't they?.
Oh , you selfish little puppetmaster,
don't flatter yourself too much.
It is not all you think life is what is
you are color blind
you will never appreciate the colors that i can appreciate
you are tone deaf
you can never dance to tunes I do
STop being drunk on your power
live and let you
don't secretly poison my elixirs
don't sneak into my garden and steal my flowers
don't violate me

The sneaky lurker

The sneaky lurker
he lurks
he irks you by lurking
He wants to stand there
in the bushes outside your home
hides in the dark
and secretly and creepily watches you
each day with his telescope

Lack of respect for my privacy
abuse of trust?
abuse of power?
getting drunk on power?
DOING it just coz you can
unruly callousness?

creepy lecher,
 waiting at the street corner
with his hoodie and
his large dark shades
misled into thinking
he will mingle into the crowd
and harrass me
and stalk me everywhere

Doing it coz ,
in his mind
I am but an mere object of entertainment
he is a hungry little parasite
who wants to take and take
and leave me feeling distressed each day
sadistic bastard
drunken on power
guided by selfish ill will
confused and twisted.

He lets that confusion spill out
in his distorted view of things
of what he can or cannot do to me

He wants and wants
and in return
he leaves me feeling used and plundered
and suffocated and distressed
I feel dirty and sad and angry

I am a human being
I am not here for your viewing pleasure
during the boring hours of your day
 you finding methods to amuse yourself

In the end
when it gets too much to bear
I flash open my door
dart towards the bushes
armed with a flashlight
to confront the lurker
hiding outside my house

In the end
When it feels too exhausting
to keep running away and hiding
I stop short of  my tracks
turn around
to confront the hooded stalker on the street
wishing to let him know
how distressing the lurking is to me

Both times
and every other time of impending confrontation
he runs away
not wanting to answer questions

lurkers don't like confrontation
they like creepy secret pleasures
They don't like being held accountable
They are cowards
sneaky little cowards

They are like kleptomaniacs
who derive  pleasure
by stealing things for free
from supermarkets
when no one else is looking

But see,
there are other ways of getting things for free
by asking for them
by asking for a gift

When a gift is asked of me
I  will give it to you
but don't try to PRY IT OUT OF ME
The gift of my time
The gift of love
if you desire them
JUST ASKin all sincerity
and I will give it in generosity

IF you think that
you don't deserve to rightfully ask of my time
then you must never desire for  it
never secretly want it each day
and lurk in my bushes
trying to get a sneak peek
There is a right way and
a wrong way of doing things

Don't mess up my mind
because you are in no position
 to do the right thing
the right way

For me
there is only one way to do a thing
The right straightforward way
I hate twisted greedy selfish game players
I hate sneaky greedy lurking stalkers

Revisiting ghosts from the past

Just like scrooge from "A christmas Carol" -revisiting ghosts from the past!!

Dashed off an email to someone who I dearly wish I had never talked to to begin with.

okay..
I just lost my thread of thought.
.I need to go now..enough of this negative shit and blogging.

I can't take this email back.
.i sent it out and it is there for all to see...
I can't take it back..

even if probably it never reached them,
which I am hoping it miraculously never did ,
which btw could be a possibility had they blocked me already...


Speaking of blocking.
I tried blocking them last month on gmail.
sadly , gmail never allows you to block anyone...
much like how an unforgiving strict parent is ,
one who says, "You made your choice...so now you deal with the consequences" LOL..
hmmm

So,,all I can say is..
the best thing would be for them to never reply..
THAT WILL PUT AN END TO THE MESS BEFORE IT EVEN BEGINS..

meanwhile..
I must let go off my ego and forgive myself,
stop being hard on myself..
yes..i sent them an email..
yes i am a donkey like that..
but to err is human..
and i am a human.

.I AM NOT PERFECT..
THERE IS NO NEED TO be PERFECT..
MISTAKES ARE JUST FINE..


some part of me secretly wishes they reply.
.the curiosity factor to check on older ghosts from the past i guess..
but seriously..
.I WOULD BLESS MY STARS IF they DON'T REPLY EVER..EVER EVER..

Letting the doves fly away one by one

Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

I am letting them fly away,
The doves that i had carefully locked up
in the prison of my heart
the doves they caused me pain
while they flapped their wings
locked inside the prison of my mind

I needed to
to let my mind
let go off the pain
The doves are nothing but
painful memories
ghots from the past
impulsive mistakes
greusome awareness of being violated
The doves with their flapping wings
They wanted to go out of the prison
and relieve me of the burden

But I held on
afraid everyone would see
as drones of doves fly out of my window
I held on
till one day
I was suffocated
with the memory of it all

Beggars on the street
slyly watching to see
If I ever open my window
I stood there behind the window
the closed window of my palace
feeling afraid to let the sunshine in
desperately wanting to breathe fresh air

I wanted you to go away,
and never come back
yet, you came by my street
every now and then
in clever disguises
thinking you could check on me
creepily keeping tabs
 me ,
whom you humiliated once upon a time,
for fear ,lest the thief of your own heart  be exposed,
you abadoned me.

So, I kept my window closed,
of fear to come across you and
the scortching heat of memories
flooding through those windows,
paining my eyes.
that are by now used to darkeness
but today,
I let the doves out,
all of them,
I drove them out
i dusted my palace,
I let sunshine in again
I don't care if you stand there in my streetcorner
like a beggar
like a spy
I don't care
I never look down at the streetcorner these days
I just look up as all the doves are flying away
into the horizon
And I suddenly notice
the sun at the horizon and the skies
and for a moment
i forget about the beggar at the streetcorner

The Breach of Trust

Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog
The breach of trust,
The violation,
The lack of self regulation and ethics in your heart,
It all existed even before it all started,
The deliberate greed,
The scheming your way into me,
It was preplanned,
Ruthlessly, and selfishly.

The breach of trust,
The lack of respect,
The lack of consideration,
of the devastation you were going to cause me,
It all existed in your head,
even before it all started.

The breach of trust,
The lack of respect,
The lack of consideration,
It happens from beginning to end,
over and over,
Like it meant nothing,
like I am not a human at all,
like I were a toy,
being presented to you.

The breach of trust,
it keeps happening,
As you say a thousand lies about me,
to yourself and to others,
And then try to tell me lies about me to myself,
I refuse to take it,
I refuse to put up a show for others,
I refuse to sit there and accept the disrepect and the lies,
I refuse to put up appearances for others
so that you feel less guilty,
The lies you expect me to be a part of,
for your benefit,
So that you can continue to ,
proverbially, have it all,
have this and have that and have everything.

I refuse ,
to let that breach of trust over again.
Therefore,
I REFUSE to acknowledge you in public,
coz I don't want it .

About caging a pretty bird!

ABOUT CAGING A PRETTY BIRD

A person sees a very pretty, colorful bird ;

with many colorful feathers;

that is soaring in the sky;

in the all its glory.

They take a liking to it .

They want it..

They want to own it.

They want to keep it at their beck and call;

so that they can watch the pretty feathers;

whenever they want.

They want to keep it near;

so they can hear it sing it's pretty songs;

whenever they want to hear one .

They lay a trap.

They catch the bird.

They put it in a CAGE.

Days pass by,

the bird gets sadder and sadder.

It cannot fly in all its majesty.

Flying, which is its second nature;

is not allowed anymore!

It sits in its unnatural circumstances,

in that tiny little cage,

a pitiful spectacle.

It gets sadder by the day.

The bondage,

the lack of freedom;

NO skies, no trees..

Just a tiny cage.

A majestic creature that once soared the skies ,

now sits in a tiny space of a cage.

The bird tries to get out in the first few days.

No luck!

Days pass..

The bird is resigned to its fate.

It sheds a silent tear every now and then.

It waits..

maybe the cage will open,

maybe I will go..

The cage doesn't open.

Slowly, the bird becomes another person.

A person who sits in a cage waiting to be fed.

It changes.

The colorful feathers shed.

No more colorful feathers.

Just some grayish singed ones.

No more of that freshness anymore.

The glow of the body is gone.

Some more silent tears.

A body transformation.

Unhealthy feathers in a filthy cage.

The bird stops singing too..

After all,what is there to sing about sitting in a tiny cage?

Nothing..nothing at all!

Slowly, slowly,

the bird forgets the skies,

the trees, the singing..

it becomes this colorless, sad, grey feathered bird;

that never sings!

It just lets out a sigh,

a sad sigh of bondage,

It cries some more,

Tears dry up!

The heart is broken,

the body is dead

The bird dies!

Merely of heartbreak,

of bondage ,

of having been possessed ;

and displaced !

It dies,

It lays there in the cage,

till someone clears up the cage;

Yet for another new bird with colorful feathers

To come in

Waiting...the cage is waiting.

Written by Dr.A aka Lecinqblog

Copyright(c)Lecinqblog

And then

And then
you were far too embarrassed
to admit
that it never ever meant anything to you
ever
It was all fun and frolic
the usual
that usual that
you have with many others

You were embarrassed
and slightly amused
to admit
coz you slightly felt bad
coz you had let it  go on far too long
all in gleeful play
before letting the cats out of the bag

You were embarrassed
you felt slight pity
that I didn't realize
 that you deliberately meant to make me a fool

you were slightly embarrassed
that I took it too seriously
A very special thing like me
how foolish can a very smart person get ?
It vaguely evoked you
to prod some more
to see what more you can get away with
after all i don't seem to be knowing my value at all

you were surprised at my attention
when it never meant anything to you
I looked like a funny jester to you

you were embarrassed
you wanted me to get tired of asking you questions
so you kept avoiding answering
you figured that one day i would tire myself out
but i kept persisting

you were embarrassed t
to admit
that it was just load-rage
as some of your friends would describe it
it never meant anything

you were embarrassed
you felt pity
that i was too naive to have not seen it the way it was

you were embarrassed for me
as to what a stupid fool I could be sometimes
to throw it all in for you
when i could get better
you were embarrassed

I think i knew it all along
but denial is a powerful drug
helps you sometimes
harms you sometimes